Amen-Moses

Oohhh Noooo! Not another "what is wrong with" thread from Amen-Moses!

Actually this is a question on my sons behalf. I caught him wanking (that's British for pulling-yer-pud, five-finger-shuffle, exercising-the-monkey or whatever else you might call it), not exactly difficult when he is sitting on the sofa in the living room naked from the waist down watching cartoon network at the time (my house has TV, Video, DVD & PC's in almost every room btw so most of the time the family is rather spread out).

My initial reaction of outrage was suddenly abaited when I asked myself a simple question; "why am I outraged?", after all this is something I do at least once a day and as my drill sargeant in the forces said "There are only two kinds of men, Wankers and Liars" so why should I be upset at what is a perfectly natural act?

Well I came to the conclusion that it was my upbringing that caused the problem, my father would have amputated my hand for even re-arranging the crockery whilst fully dressed, in fact I can still feel the pain from the beating I got for scratching my arse in front of him once!

So I stayed calm and sarcastivally asked my son "Are you enjoying yourself?" to which he replied "Yes thank you daddy" (very good manners you notice). This shook me a bit because he didn't even attempt to stop or hide what he was doing and it was making me rather uncomfortable. I then tried another tact (in a rather "fatherly voice") "Don't you think you should wait and do that in private?", his response; "Why?".

Well now I am well and truly buggered, what should I tell him?

(btw he is 6 years old)

Amen-Moses

Ojuice5001

It's horrible that some parents try to stop their kids from masturbating. In the twenty-first century, everyone should know better.

It seems strange, though that a six-year-old is doing it publicly. [inside joke--but do answer] And what was the show? Was it Dragonball or Dragonball Z? [/inside joke]. I myself didn't start until I was sixteen, and had enough sense to do it privately. I would say that you should act repulsed next time it happens. Not angry at him in any way, just repulsed in the same way as you would be if you saw a cat throwing up indoors. Use no words, except those to the effect of "Do that in private!" That should get him to understand why masturbation should not be done publicly, much better than verbally explaining anything would be. That's my answer--may not be the best out there, but it's good.

[ September 25, 2002: Message edited by: Ojuice5001 ]</p>

99Percent

I would explain to him that some things you just do by yourself, like taking a shower or going to the poo.

Mecha_Dude

Unless your a christian, nothing's wrong with it. Im in 8th grade and I often masturbate in the shower(read: every night). Although my evil catholic parents know nothing of it, I find nothing wrong with masturbating. After all, SOMETHING has to curb the insane impulsic pubic urges I get...

Glory

Your son sounds remarkably healthy and self possessed{no pun intended ). He would benefit from a talk about private behaviour versus public behaviour. My sister used to gently remove her son's hand from his crotch and say no playing with the pee pee. He learned not to do it in front of other people.

He did ask that question though. I think the answer is that it is impolite. It causes people to feel uncomfortable. Just as we don't chew with our mouths open or pick our noses in front of others. Good manners are not the easiest concept for small children to grasp but it is an acceptable and finite answer. Parents are usually the last word on manners as far as children are concerned. He may feel annoyed that you have decreed his passtime to be inappropriate for spectators but he will get over it. Hope that helps.

Glory

stubbornkelly

I can't think of a problem with masturbation. I think I was four when I discovered the water oulet jet on the side of the pool.

I would have the public/private conversation with him, but I woulnd't act repulsed under any circumstances. He may not be able to distinguish that reaction from being repulsed at the behavior itself.

I don't believe in insinuating things with kids (or adults for that matter), and, mature as your son sounds, I wouldn't trust that he would "get" the insinuation that masturbation is private from a "Don't do that" or words to that effect.

Now, after you've had the public/private conersation, it'd be perfectly acceptable to remind him, next time you see him doing it (if you do) of that conversation.

It is tough, though, to explain why it's inappropriate, outside of the "it's a private thing" explanation. I mean, sometimes I have to think about why sex should be kept behind closed doors! Is "Because," really an acceptable answer? I mean, we're taught that our genitals are bad, and that's really why we hide them. Sex should be private, but why? Come up with the answer for that, and you're all set. Unless, of course, you don't want to start getting into the sex talk (general talk, not the "birds and bees" talk -- blech) yet.

Amen-Moses

Of all my children he is the smartest and most stubborn, I have great difficulty even geting him to wear clothes although his minimal dress sense appears to be a T-shirt by choice.

The problem I have is that I am trying to rationalise every answer I give, so for example when he asks me about sex I just give him the details (based on the assumption that I wish someone had done the same for me) and let him absorb whatever he can at his age. Unfortunately he seems able to absorb far more than any of my previous brood could at the same age and I find myself getting into deep moral conversations with him that never came up with the others.

A counter example to what I am saying is provided by my fathaer, when I asked him about sex he just said that he found me under a mullberry bush! (I found out the truth by reading lady chatterley's lover at 8 years old!) I was hoping that by being totally up front with my son he would benefit but instead he just seems to become more stubborn!

His argument (and remember this is from a 6 year old) for his masturbating was that he enjoyed it and it wasn't hurting anyone. I asked him what he would do if his sister entered the room and he said that he would stop! Strangely when I asked why he didn't stop when I entered the room he just said "Why should I?" almost as if he realises that I have no rational reason to be offended by his actions (which I don't really!) although his sister might.

Amen-Moses

Glory

As an addendum to my manners theory I can add that parents are as deserving of good manners as are strangers, possibly more so.

I don't believe there is anything wrong with propping my feet up on the table while I am eating but I do so only when I am by myself. It is rude and I like to show respect to my husband and daughter.

Obviously, it is much more difficult to explain why it makes most people uncomfortable. Explaining irrational but very real distaste for a behaviour to a child is almost impossible.

Does he have any self consciousness about using the toilet in front of other people?

Unfortunately, sometimes "because I said so" is the only answer that can be given. Does he tend to flout rules?

Glory

echidna

Have you tried asking him what is the rational basis for some of his preferences ?

I suspect he will be as unable to supply it as yourself. Therein lies the answer.

Cretinist

Tell him that people will think something is wrong with him mentally if he does that in public. If he asks why, just tell him about cultural norms, taboos and whatnot.

It shouldn't be too hard to give him a pragmatic reason why he should only do that in private. "Because people will think you're messed up" is after all, the only real reason you have to give him, sadly.