Never

I know I've seconded the see a laywer advice before but as someone above said, it bears repeating. Look at it this way -
The best offense is a good defense. Just because you don't want to initiate divorce doesn't mean that you won't have to defend yourself if your wife does OR if conditions deteriorate.
Just *be prepared*. For the children. Once you've been kicked out of the house and/or she has started proceedings, it's too late to be prepared.

ex-xian

I've read through most of the posts in this thread, after the first 10 or so, I just read posts by Vicar Philip. I really must say that your situation is a tragic one. If I still believed in prayer I would offer them for you

Quote:

She has told me countless times her biggest fear is being alone. Well, she's got a funny way of showing it.

Perhaps that's her biggest fear. The fear of being ultimately alone. Maybe every time she thinks of your lack of belief that fear is thrown up in her face so to speak.

My own belief is slowly eroding...well, more like it's leaving kicking and screaming, in a minor way, I can sympathize with what she may be feeling. When my inner resoures of reason slipping into the chasm of irrationality, I tell myself this: I seeking truth and reality above all things. I asked God that, if (s)he's up there, to let me find the truth. I don't think that a real God would be intimidated by a mere human's questioning. If, at the end of inquiry, I come to terms with atheism (or some derivitive thereof), so be it. But if God is real, and (s)he really does love me as much as everyone say (s) does, then I'll know the truth.

If this is a cop out, so be it. But it helps me sleep at night. Maybe you could tell your wife something along these lines. Ask to pray that you find the truth. Since she's convinced she already knows the Truth, maybe that will relieve some of the tension. Anyway, my thoughts will be with you even if my prayers aren't.

Bumble Bee Tuna

What jj said.

I repeat the call everyone is making to GET LEGAL ADVICE. A lot of people "Aren't sure if they're really at that point yet" when a divorce comes and smacks them in the face. Be prepared, even if it never does reach that point. You have two strikes against you. You need heavy duty documentation of her abuse so that you can counteract that. If this divorce happens, you could lose your wife AND your kids. a sympathetic Christian judge could see her side simply because of your atheism and give her custody. You must make it clear that she is doing all these abusive things. You need evidence. You need advice. Go get it. Hopefully you won't need it, but you need to be prepared for it!

-B

beth

I also agree you should seek legal advice. Your wife sounds like she won't bend. Who knows, she may be just dragging this along so that she can better prepare to nail you in court. I'm sorry it's coming to this. I truly hope she will realize that your relationship is more important than religion.

Proxima Centauri

Vicar Philip says, Well, I haven't got a wife. l'm a spinster and likely to remain one. In a situation like yours I doubt if I could keep self control. You want to save your marriage. For that you may need more self control than I've got. Sorry I upset you.

Brettc says Yes, l know your wife is regularly unfair. Life is often unfair and no all loving God puts things right. Darren wants to save his marriage. That may mean more self control than Brett.C or l would find easy. I have suggested that Darren should punish his wife by being a bit cold and distant for a few hours after each temper tantrum by, 'wifie'. I dare not suggest more. I fear if I suggested more the marriage could break up and I could be personally responsible.


Barbara Shack

The Other Michael

Hi Darren,

You might mention to the attorney (should you see one) that you've been asking for advice at an online forum, and so you've got some documentation in this thread of what your wife has been doing and when, and how you've been reacting. Tell the attorney that you've been actively seeking advice on how to resolve the problem and avoid divorce.

I'd presume that if it came to divorce there'd be no secret about your loss of faith being a major factor, so there'd be no reason to hide that you'd been seeking advice at a forum for non-believers.

It seems to me that being able to show that you've been actively trying to preserve the relationship might be of some help if you seek custody of the children (that is, you are the wronged party).

I don't know if that would be of any help, but I thought I'd mention it just in case it could be.

cheers,
Michael

Proxima Centauri

Please talk to some one from the legal department of the University where you work. Ask for advice about a good firm of lawyers.
Please get a tape recorder so you can prove your wife's abusive behaviour.

Vicar Philip

Our marriage seems to be deteriorating even more before my very eyes.

I thought the meeting with the pastor might make things a little better. I don't think so. We've now not spoken since a few little words last night, and had some unsettling e-mail exchanges. Damn I hate the impersonal nature of e-mail.

Last night we took the kids roller skating, didn't say a word to each other. It seems to me that she is more distant than ever after the meeting. It's apparent that because she didn't get the desired outcome from that meeting, she has given up on salvaging our marriage.

All of her e-mails end up nasty and sarcastic, and so far I have not stooped to that level. That seems to be the way to go. I'm pretty sure this type of stuff can be used as evidence, but I won't know until I speak to somebody legally.

Shit I hate this. I never dreamed I'd be at this point over RELIGION of all things. Yesterday I told her she was now in total charge of her checking account, the one she opened up after our last big blow out 3-4 years ago. It was supposed to help her feel more "secure." What actually wound up happening was I took over figuring out her account as well as the joint account. Inevitably she writes checks without having a frigging CLUE how much money is in the account. And then I get accused of being "controlling" because I tell her she can only spend X amount of money. Now I'm really getting pissed off thinking about all that bullshit.

Talk to ya later.

Vicar Philip

I'm thinking about leaving our house for a while. I just am trying to develop some reasoning for justification, something that can't be held against me later.

It would look better for me if she told me to leave. I'm not intending to provoke her into saying so, I just think she needs a little wake-up call. My biggest concern is how much of my shit will get torn up. I suppose in a sick way that could be a positive thing when it came to a courtroom.

Give ol' Vicar here some advice, peeps; I'm sorely in need of a couple shoulders to cry on.

brighid

Personally, I don't feel you need to have her to ask you to leave. You can justifiably say that your home situation has become so inhospitable and damaging that you feel you need to take remove yourself in order to think straight. Avoid as much drama as you can.

I would also advice talking to your children very plainly and honestly, even before you tell your wife. Reassure them that you aren't leaving permanently, but that you need to have some time away to think. Hug them, hold them, and above all be honest with them. This time is going to be incredibly scary for them.

BEFORE doing this I would talk with an attorney and have a battle plan ready. This might mean enduring this nightmare for a few more days, or even weeks ... but it could very well benefit you in the long run.

I would also say that during this time away you maintain whatever normal, fatherly duties you have such as taking care of them while she works, dropping them off at school, etc. IF this is feasible.

Once you walk out that door she can and may change the locks on you, throw your stuff out in the street, etc.

What are your thoughts on where you will go?

Brighid