jj

Read your PM's. If you haven't for a while, just read the latest one from me, ignore the rest from me, they've gone stale.

HelenM

I don't know anything about divorce so I can't advise you in that regard.

If you think it might help you to have a break, or might help your wife to realize what divorce would really be like, then it seems to me that it's worth doing.

I hope that you can find a way to help your kids through this most difficult time.

(edited to add: I see brighid suggested assuring your children, if you do this, that you're just taking a break - not gone for good - I think that's wise)

take care
Helen

Godless Dave

Don't walk out the door just to teach her a lesson. I do shit like that all the time and it's always a mistake. If you need time alone to think, or need to sleep one night without being yelled at or ignored, that's fine - just make sure that's the real reason. And explain what you're doing and why, calmly, to her and to your kids.

admice

The laws can be different in each state, but only 3 still require grounds for divorce (NY is one, I don't recall the other 2), so no radical action need be demonstrated to be granted a divorce. Regarding (I'm assuming joint) custody, most states will grant it to you if you are stably employed, demonstrate you can provide for the childrens care, and a 'fit' home for them (provide food and clothing, and care when you are not available).

But as others have said: CONSULT WITH A LAWYER BEFORE YOU LEAVE (in some states this would be considered abandonment and could be grounds to deny custody) and I still recommend seeing a counselor independently of your wife.

take care

jj

Is excellent advice. If you do have to move out make SURE they know exactly why, that it's not them, their fault, and that you at least hope you won't be gone forever. I would fear that they might get the "your daddy hates you" routine from mom in this case, at the best, so make sure they know that's just not the truth. Make sure that if things progress or decay, that they know what is going on at all times. Keep them informed, and make sure they know others that they can call to verify what you or mom says. Also make sure that they know to raise cain if they are suddenly told "come, we're moving NOW!".

Maybe I'm wrong, but total honesty seems called for in this regard, it seems to work better than trying to "pretty it up". Kids aren't stupid, they just don't usually know as much as adults.

captainpabst

Vicar,

I'm sorry to hear the new developments. As dreadful as it may be, I think the suggestions to seek legal counsel are probably warranted. It would be best to be prepared in case it comes down to it...

As far as leaving...I would think twice...maybe three times. If you had no kids, it'd be MUCH simpler. I think you said your oldest son was 13, right? Or was it 10... Well, I was 13 when my dad left. He said he'd only be gone for awhile, that he and mom needed time apart to think about things and work them out. That shit never worked out. I HATED him for (in my view) fucking up our family. I wrote him letters calling him every name in the book. When he tried to explain it to me, I was completely silent, couldn't look him in the eye, and couldn't speak a word. He told me he loved me and my brother and sister. It didn't matter. He was crying. He asked if I was ok. Then I spoke the only word I could muster. "No," I said. I wasn't ok. I'm sure, looking back on it, that I could've been diagnosed as clinically depressed for at least 2 years after that. 13 years later, we get along 'ok'. But things aren't at all like they could have been. I think that experience has had lasting effects on the way I relate to people. I wouldn't wish what I went through on anyone. If you can avoid it, I would. The circumstances of your situation are different than my parents, and your kids are different from my siblings and I. I suppose there is really no predicting how they would take it, but I can't imagine they'd take it well.

Jeez, I hate that you're having to go through this. Know that you have many empathizers here... My best wishes are yours...

BadBadBad

Wow,

Things are getting pretty heavy and depressing here. Vicar, try as hard as you can to not stir the pot. STOP EMAILING. NEVER NEVER EMAIL! If she emails, DELETE DELETE DELETE!

You guys need to cool off. You had some positives going on there, and nothing has changed. I don't know how, but you've got to stop hashing this out. You're not going to verbally come to any conclusions on this.

I think you need to give this latest set of events some time. How much time, only you and her know. I would concur with others that before you walk out, you get some legal help. That's pretty tragic man. Don't do it if you don't have to.

seebs

Agreed.

My wife and I can hash things out in written media, but that's because we're both writers at heart, and we're also both very bad about interruptions during an actual conversation.

brighid

Vicar,

I am going to add the same caution others have suggested. THink long and hard before doing anything. I am so very, very sorry you are going through this, that your family is going through this and that wife is being some completely stubborn and vindictive.

I don't think any of us can really give you any answers, just our honest advice and feelings. We don't know you outside of this forum, we don't know your wife, or your children. Please talk with your children before doing anything. Ask them what THEY want and need, because in the end they are the ones that are going to be the most harmed by all of these goings on ... well, they are the most fragile.

Divorce is ugly. Child custody battles are even uglier, especially if it isn't an amicable break-up. I would not wish what I endured even upon the bastard that was responsible for it all. If you think this is emotionally draining ... believe me it can be much, much worse. But as I said before consult an attorney and a counselor as soon as humanly possible. The attorney is so you know your options, so you can be prepared JUST IN CASE and so you can lay the proper foundation for reconciliation and, divorce in the worst case.

You must be in some serious agony right now. My heart goes out to you. Please take my advice as merely my honest opinion, but without being much closer to your actual situation I feel a bit hesitant to say much more then this. Don't give up just yet.

Brighid

Vicar Philip

What we have right now isn't a marriage. We've only spoken about necessary responsibilities with the kids, nothing about our problem. My oldest son told me she was talking to a friend of hers on the phone, and described me as "acting like a poor little puppy" at the meeting with the pastor. It's simply a different way of her thinking I "put on a show" for him.

As he pointed out, since I met with him the first time, the wife and I only had one discussion about religion that could be described as slightly heated. She also seems to have a problem differentiating between my criticism of RELIGION as opposed to criticism of HER. She apparently thinks they're one and the same. Gee, I thought the whole point of going to the pastor was to resolve this problem. That involves NOT digging up the past, which she is so fond of doing.

I guess I'll continue to wait on her to make the next move towards resolving this mess. We don't touch at night, don't kiss, don't hug, nothing. I hate this.