Freethought & Rationalism Archive

southernhybrid · 03-07-2003, 05:27 AM

Your plan sounds very positive. I applaud you for admitting that you have a problem with passive aggressive behavior. Admitting it is half the battle. Best wishes to you and your wife as you work on establishing a more harmonious life together.

Vicar Philip · 03-15-2003, 09:32 AM

No, I haven't dropped off the face of the earth. It's just been very peaceful around here. We're supposed to go see the counselor again this next Thursday, and then my wife's classes start on April 9.

We're looking forward to going to Las Vegas at the beginning of April for the NAB (National Association of Broadcasters) convention, and the station is paying for the hotel room so my wife can go. She didn't get to go last year, so we're REALLY looking forward to it.

I really have noticed a change in my wife's behavior and attitudes towards me. Last Sunday we celebrated my oldest daughter's birthday, and held an ice skating party at the university ice rink. That morning, the kids had gone to children's church while we stayed in regular church. Unbeknownst to my wife, a former friend of hers was "teaching" the class, someone who is not even on speaking terms right now. Anyway, this torqued off my wife, and she began getting very irritable and angry towards me as the day went on. Finally, we were skating together, and I told her I felt like I couldn't do anything to please her. She admitted that she was harboring anger about the morning's incident at church, and apologized. So she really is acknowledging the true sources of her anger; it's a big step for her.

I didn't mind going to church too much. The sermon mentioned Noah's Ark, which kind of made me flinch, but I'm not going to let it bother me. I know what is what, and going to church isn't going to dissuade me of the truth. I'm very confident I'll always be an atheist, just one that happens to go to church because I love my wife too much not to!

Again, thanks for everyone's posts and insights. I'll keep y'all posted.

Vicar

HelenM · 03-15-2003, 10:19 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Vicar Philip
I told her I felt like I couldn't do anything to please her. She admitted that she was harboring anger about the morning's incident at church, and apologized. So she really is acknowledging the true sources of her anger; it's a big step for her.

Yes indeed!

I also think it's great you were able to tell her how you felt, when she got angry with you, instead of retaliating with insults towards her. I don't know whether that's a change for you but if it is, congratulations on making the change!

I hope you and your wife have a wonderful trip together in a few weeks

(Will it be just the two of you going - no children?)

take care
Helen

Rhea · 03-15-2003, 11:29 AM

Glad to hear things are going better!!!

and

Quote:

I'm very confident I'll always be an atheist, just one that happens to go to church because I love my wife too much not to!

Don't let anyone make you feel wrong for doing this. It is not as big a conflict as some make it out to be, in my humble opinion. My husband makes the same decision every time he dances in public with me.

It doesn't make him think dancing is any less foolish, but it does make me very grateful to be able to do something I like with the man I love.

Proxima Centauri · 03-18-2003, 09:56 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Vicar Philip
It's just been very peaceful around here. We're supposed to go see the counselor again this next Thursday, and then my wife's classes start on April 9.
I really have noticed a change in my wife's behavior and attitudes towards me. That morning, the kids had gone to children's church while we stayed in regular church. Unbeknownst to my wife, a former friend of hers was "teaching" the class, someone who is not even on speaking terms right now. Anyway, this torqued off my wife, and she began getting very irritable and angry towards me as the day went on. (...)She admitted that she was harboring anger about the morning's incident at church, and apologized. So she really is acknowledging the true sources of her anger; it's a big step for her.
I didn't mind going to church too much.
Vicar

We all understand why you feel you have to go to church and we sympathize with you. At the moment going to church is working for you. Your wife is behaving much better. If your wife restarts rowing you may need to reconsider. Also if your wife tries to pressurize you into going to bible classes as well as church you may need to remind her gently that you are an adult and will decide this for yourself.
How long should you carry on going to church? In the Protestant religious calender the most important religious festivals happen between December 1st , (the start of Advent) and late May-early June, (Whit Sunday). The quiet time between July and October is a good time to consider stopping church.
Will your wife this year develop sufficient maturity so that she sees that you an adult and should decide for yourself whether or no to go to church. Your wife's councillor is a Christian. Therefore it is quite possible that she will develop maturity in other areas before becoming mature over your church going. You may have to carry on going to church and listening to mythology about Noah's Ark till the quiet time in Summer 2004. Please be patient.

agapeo · 03-20-2003, 07:52 AM

Quote:

I really have noticed a change in my wife's behavior and attitudes towards me. Last Sunday we celebrated my oldest daughter's birthday, and held an ice skating party at the university ice rink. That morning, the kids had gone to children's church while we stayed in regular church. Unbeknownst to my wife, a former friend of hers was "teaching" the class, someone who is not even on speaking terms right now. Anyway, this torqued off my wife, and she began getting very irritable and angry towards me as the day went on. Finally, we were skating together, and I told her I felt like I couldn't do anything to please her. She admitted that she was harboring anger about the morning's incident at church, and apologized. So she really is acknowledging the true sources of her anger; it's a big step for her.

It's been awhile Vicar since I last visited this thread. I'm very glad for you that things are looking up for you and your wife. Has it turned out to have a positive effect on you as well?

I concur with what others have been saying with regards to you decision to attend church with your wife. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks regarding it. Sometimes we just do what is necessary in order to "keep" what we love the most in this world. I don't view that as losing one's integrity.

Agapeo

AspenMama · 03-20-2003, 08:34 AM

Vicar-- I suppose this is the right decision for you. I have to say though, that it never helped my marriage work when I kept my promise made during our engagement that I would go to church with my ex-husband. (He continued to treat me horribly and then left me for another man). But it sounds like you are also working on other issues here. I just know for me, that I will never make such an agreement with anyone again.

Vicar Philip · 03-27-2003, 07:17 AM

Our oldest son has lately become a bit of a troublemaker. He's causing problems on the school bus both to and from school, and being generally disrespectful at home. We took away privileges and had an intense discussion with him last night.

This morning my wife tells me I need to pray with him and tell him he can always talk to god. Blecccch. I told her praying isn't going to fix him, HE needs to fix himself. She was pretty insistent. She did acknowledge that she knew I didn't go along with it, but still said I was the one who needed to goad him into praying! I didn't know what to say, and just kind of left the conversation hanging.

My inclination is to tell her that she is the one who needs to encourage him to pray, if she is so hell-bent on it, she being the resident theist in the house. Why in the hell would she think I'd be gung-ho to have my son "give his problems to god?" <shudder>

Somehow I feel another skirmish with my wife brewing. Goddamn religion anyway.

What do you guys think?

beth · 03-27-2003, 07:26 AM

How does your son feel about praying?

Maybe you could take the time to, instead, talk to him to see what is wrong. Ask your son if he would like to pray with you. I never refuse my children when they ask me to pray for them. Do you think that all the tension in the home is causing his trouble making ways? Maybe your son just needs to really talk. I would ONLY pray with your son if he asks. Tell your wife that you'll talk to him man-to-man. You don't need to tell her just what is discussed.

Godless Dave · 03-27-2003, 07:32 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by blondegoddess
Tell your wife that you'll talk to him man-to-man. You don't need to tell her just what is discussed.

Bingo!

Why put the fear of God into him when you can put the fear of Dad into him?

I don't mean to just yell at him. Obviously you want to find out what he's upset about, while still teaching him that he will be held accountable for unacceptable behavior.

03-15-2003, 09:32 AM	#752
Vicar Philip Veteran Member Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: Cozy little chapel of me own Posts: 1,162	Update No, I haven't dropped off the face of the earth. It's just been very peaceful around here. We're supposed to go see the counselor again this next Thursday, and then my wife's classes start on April 9. We're looking forward to going to Las Vegas at the beginning of April for the NAB (National Association of Broadcasters) convention, and the station is paying for the hotel room so my wife can go. She didn't get to go last year, so we're REALLY looking forward to it. I really have noticed a change in my wife's behavior and attitudes towards me. Last Sunday we celebrated my oldest daughter's birthday, and held an ice skating party at the university ice rink. That morning, the kids had gone to children's church while we stayed in regular church. Unbeknownst to my wife, a former friend of hers was "teaching" the class, someone who is not even on speaking terms right now. Anyway, this torqued off my wife, and she began getting very irritable and angry towards me as the day went on. Finally, we were skating together, and I told her I felt like I couldn't do anything to please her. She admitted that she was harboring anger about the morning's incident at church, and apologized. So she really is acknowledging the true sources of her anger; it's a big step for her. I didn't mind going to church too much. The sermon mentioned Noah's Ark, which kind of made me flinch, but I'm not going to let it bother me. I know what is what, and going to church isn't going to dissuade me of the truth. I'm very confident I'll always be an atheist, just one that happens to go to church because I love my wife too much not to! Again, thanks for everyone's posts and insights. I'll keep y'all posted. Vicar

03-27-2003, 07:17 AM	#758
Vicar Philip Veteran Member Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: Cozy little chapel of me own Posts: 1,162	Son Problems Our oldest son has lately become a bit of a troublemaker. He's causing problems on the school bus both to and from school, and being generally disrespectful at home. We took away privileges and had an intense discussion with him last night. This morning my wife tells me I need to pray with him and tell him he can always talk to god. Blecccch. I told her praying isn't going to fix him, HE needs to fix himself. She was pretty insistent. She did acknowledge that she knew I didn't go along with it, but still said I was the one who needed to goad him into praying! I didn't know what to say, and just kind of left the conversation hanging. My inclination is to tell her that she is the one who needs to encourage him to pray, if she is so hell-bent on it, she being the resident theist in the house. Why in the hell would she think I'd be gung-ho to have my son "give his problems to god?" <shudder> Somehow I feel another skirmish with my wife brewing. Goddamn religion anyway. What do you guys think?

Thread Tools	Search this Thread
Show Printable Version	Search this Thread: Advanced Search

03-07-2003, 05:27 AM	#751
southernhybrid Veteran Member Join Date: Aug 2001 Location: heavenly Georgia Posts: 3,862	Your plan sounds very positive. I applaud you for admitting that you have a problem with passive aggressive behavior. Admitting it is half the battle. Best wishes to you and your wife as you work on establishing a more harmonious life together.

03-20-2003, 08:34 AM	#757
AspenMama Veteran Member Join Date: Jun 2001 Location: Colorado Posts: 3,311	Vicar-- I suppose this is the right decision for you. I have to say though, that it never helped my marriage work when I kept my promise made during our engagement that I would go to church with my ex-husband. (He continued to treat me horribly and then left me for another man). But it sounds like you are also working on other issues here. I just know for me, that I will never make such an agreement with anyone again.

03-27-2003, 07:26 AM	#759
beth Veteran Member Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: where orange blossoms bloom... Posts: 1,802	How does your son feel about praying? Maybe you could take the time to, instead, talk to him to see what is wrong. Ask your son if he would like to pray with you. I never refuse my children when they ask me to pray for them. Do you think that all the tension in the home is causing his trouble making ways? Maybe your son just needs to really talk. I would ONLY pray with your son if he asks. Tell your wife that you'll talk to him man-to-man. You don't need to tell her just what is discussed.

Freethought & Rationalism Archive

The archives are read only.