Oxidizing Material

Hey, I'm bored, what else is there to do?


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Old Testimentalisms (Jewish versions)
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Genesis 1-Whatever:

There was nothing, then God said "It's good" a few times and the Earth becomes the center of the entire fucking universe.*

*Please use this chapter to repeatedly quote and beat as solid Truthful evidence against everything "sciencey". What other proof do you need? I just said God did it, and God did it because it's written here. Jesus, get with the program.


Exodus 1-Moses' death:

God demonstrates his boundless love by violently killing every single fucking living being on Earth and leaving one family (Noah's) to inbreed for the rest of their lives.
Noah later on becomes a shepard and comes into contact with an electrical, metal pole claiming to be God. After God realizes that asking Noah to "embrace his lord" was not such a good idea, he tries again with Moses. Moses succeeds in not dying, but then later dies after he frees all the Jewish slaves from Egypt and a few animals from the local zoo. The animals were quite possibly loaded onto the ark at one point in time. Moses drowns in the Red Sea when God drops the Miracle Remote and the batteries fall out. Josh becomes new world leader. Is prettiest leader of Earth. Dies.


Leviticus 1-The end of the last number:

You are all damn dirty sinners and henceforth here's a list of stuff you cannot do:

Be gay
Support gays
Fuck animals
Have an abortion
Talk to a woman whose had her period
Be a woman
Plant more than 1 kind of seed in a field
Touch yourself
Plant your seed in a field after touching yourself
Being of a different religion
Anything that involves women
Anything that involves men
Anything that involves both (it's evil)
Go to the bathroom
Scratch yourself
Breathe
Come into contact with molecules

All are punishable by death, usually from stoning. A popular one is burning at the stake! Try it out for yourself what you think is the best. There are fully functioning WWII concentration camps in Germany; God recommends that.


Numbers 1-0:

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 0. Praise God!

Deuteronomy:

Nobody really knows what this chapter is really supposed to be about. Popular belief (mine) is that it's just included to make the bible look important with such a big name as "Deuteronomy".


Psalms"

Pronounced "Puh saaaaahms". Various God poetry.

Roses are red
God is the best
Never question God
Or put him to the test

There once was a God from Nantuket
Who, after seeing Earth, decided to say "fuck it"
He drowned every person walking
And nobody was left talking
About how God threw a fucking fit

The leader is good
The leader is great
We surrender our wills
As of this date.


Jesusus 1-5:

Uh... um, various, uh, books of the old testament. Several uh... things! Yes, things happen here, including but not limited to:

All of humanity being killed by God
All of humanity being killed by aliens but not making it into the final cut of the Bible
God revealing he is a woman and has "issues"
God admits "his" bi-polarity
God sends down daughter to Earth, ends up in North America where nobody lived, apparently

And other things may or may not have happened here, but were left out when God single handedly wrote the bible from a 3rd person narrative POV.


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New Testaments about Jesus
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Matthew "Matty" B, Marky Mark the Miracle Mirth, Johnny P, "Use the God" Luke 1-1337:

Jesus was born because the Holy Spirit raped Mary. After he got lost in a temple he became 32 some odd years old because God works in mysterious ways. He could never get laid so he took his frustration out by healing people of various forms of "leprocy".
The Romans didn't like him, I think, so they killed him for being the son of God and saviour of man and the holiest of the holies and all that, you know.
Jesus decided he wasn't quite dead yet, so he left the tomb after a good masturbation break (having a bunch of guys around you all the time watching your every move makes this hard to do), he flies into the sky and joins God.


Jesus' Diary, Sept. 3-6

"Woke up. Had some wine, went straight to my head. Woke up in field without lower portion of robe. Mark missing."

"Decried by my main man PP. John's got his head on a plate. Starting to get worried."

"Forsaken. Nailed to a tree. Not cool."


Acts, Scene 1:

JESUS is on HILL. PETER approaches.

PETER: "Jesus, what do I have to do?"

JESUS: "Stay awake."

PETER: "No probl-" (PETER falls ASLEEP)

JESUS: "Fuck!"


Revelations 1-?

You're all fucked.


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[ June 01, 2002: Message edited by: Oxidizing Material ]</p>

Mecha_Dude

that's about it, good job!

Hayden

I starting reading a book - I can't remember tha name of it, but I think it had a chicken on the cover - I'll ask my ssister, I think it was hers.

Anyway, some blokes invented a computer that could reduce any body of text into s single sentence. They fed it the OT, and it came back with "Because I said so, that's why."

At least it's concise!

HR

freemonkey

Short, sweet and to the point... I like it, Oxidizing Material.

Oxidizing Material

\o/

spurly

I'll take a crack at summing up the Bible:

1. God created man and woman to live in a relationship of love with himself. To be loved by him and to enjoy him forever.

2. Because God is love he gives man and woman a choice. They can love him and live in relationship with him, or they can turn away from his love.

3. Man and woman choose to walk away from God's love.

4. God begins working through history to bring man and woman back to himself. He begins by covering the sin of Adam and Eve in the Garden with the shedding of innocent blood and clothing them with the skins of animals.

5. He picks a nation (Israel) through which he will bless the world by sending his Son to shed his life-blood on the cross.

6. Sometimes Israel does a good job of representing God, sometimes they don't. God still works through them.

7. About 2000 years ago a teenager named Mary gives birth to the Perfect Son of God.

8. He lives for 33 years, then he gives up his life as the ultimate sacrifice for sin.

9. Those who accept his sacrifice for themselves are covered with his blood. They, like Adam and Eve, have their sins covered by the shedding of innocent blood.

10. Now we are to live for him until he returns.

That pretty much sums up the message of the Bible. It is a message of tremendous love.

Kevin

winstonjen

Because they realised it was blackmail.

Defiant Heretic

1. God created man and woman to live in a relationship of love with himself. To be loved by him and to enjoy him forever.

1.5: And on the sixth day, God created the Stockholm Syndrome.

2. Because God is love he gives man and woman a choice. They can love him and live in relationship with him, or they can turn away from his love.

2.5: In which case he’ll kill them. But it’s still a choice.

3. Man and woman choose to walk away from God's love.

3.5: And so God curses them and all their descendents until the end of time.

4. God begins working through history to bring man and woman back to himself. He begins by covering the sin of Adam and Eve in the Garden with the shedding of innocent blood and clothing them with the skins of animals.

4.5: But that doesn’t work, so next he tries drowning them all.

5. He picks a nation (Israel) through which he will bless the world by sending his Son to shed his life-blood on the cross.

5.5: Thus paving the way for the creation of millions of jobs in apologetics.

6. Sometimes Israel does a good job of representing God, sometimes they don't. God still works through them.

6.5: Basically, if something good happens there, it was caused by God. If something bad happens, it was caused by Satan, who was created by God. Wait...

7. About 2000 years ago a teenager named Mary gives birth to the Perfect Son of God.

7.5: He even changed his own diapers.

8. He lives for 33 years, then he gives up his life as the ultimate sacrifice for sin.

8.5: Well, gives up a day and a half of it anyway, but it’s still a sacrifice.

9. Those who accept his sacrifice for themselves are covered with his blood. They, like Adam and Eve, have their sins covered by the shedding of innocent blood.

9.5: This is the ultimate moral law. Eating fruit==bad; Genocide==good.

10. Now we are to live for him until he returns.

10.5: One generation after he left. Give or take a few millennia.

GunnerJ

T OXIDIZING MATERIAL: <3 <3

You had me in fucking tears.

happyboy

you kick ass! :notworthy

happyboy