beth

She's fortunate to have a friend who cares so much for her.

Proxima Centauri

Does her pastor care for her? He just says its ok for her to date him. Is he incompetent? We are fortunate we are not brainwashed fundies.

DamagedGoods

That dating policy is a big honkin' red flag for me. She may be in a cult in addition to dating a bank robber. I was in a fundie group with similar rules for a while, and I saw some of the most disfunctional families ever while I was there.

Of course it could be that I see flags for cults everywhere just because I was in one. It just appears to me that she's acquired a substantial set of very poor decision-making skills.

SanDiegoAtheist

Well, no offense, but how hard IS it to fake being a fundamentalist Christian when, with the exception perhaps of the prison pastor, you're essentially cut off from the congregation?

I mean, all it would take is some minimal talent in lying - it's not like most fundamentalist Christians question 'why' all that much - an authoritarian value system is easy to fake, as all it requires is adherance to a rigid and known party line - and any questions can simply be answered "because the Bible says so".

I second the above folks - he's playing her, for one of two reasons:

1) Given that he's stuck in jail, it's probably nice to have a woman writing him letters & paying him visits - this isn't so bad, but it's a selfish reason, purely based on who will HAVE him at this point. It doesn't reflect positively on your friend in the least.

2) Money, drugs, etc (as some have mentioned above) - a 'friend' on the outside who can pass, smuggle, or otherwise get them things that they want or need in prison.

There's a SMALL chance that he really has reformed, and is interested in her as a person - but I suspect that the VAST majority of prison romances fall into one of the two scenarios above.

Incidentally, if you really want to find out - why not try a 'sting' operation? Not that I'm normally in favor of 'stings', but in this case, dealing with someone who is an acknowledged criminal, I'd say the good might outweigh the bad.

Gives a WHOLE new meaning to the old "Lord, Liar, Lunatic" argument, not?

Cheers,

The San Diego Atheist

Opera Nut

He is a con artist. If she wasn't in a church who dumps on their members and tells them they are worthless and don't deserve better, she wouldn't be fair game for this kind of scum.

They all find Christianity and get religion after they murder or rob or rape someone, not before!! Tell her to run like hell!!

Soyin Milka

I agree with what has been said so far. It's not safe for your friend to be involved with that guy. I think it's going to be very difficult to convince her of that if her religious congregation supports her in seeing him.

There's a slight possibility that there's a little self-deception on her part about what exactly her minister told her. Sometimes people pay more attention to what they prefer to hear. I don't know if you'd feel comfortable about this, but just in case that minister is not completely wacko and incompetent, I'd go have a talk with him. Tell him about your concerns and show him the stats. It's one thing for a congregation to support the conversion of a felon, it's another to risk the well-being of one of its members. I personally would be blunt and make it clear to the minister that he would share the responsibility of anything bad happening to your friend as a result of her involvement with that guy. She respects and trusts him as her religious leader, he should be worthy of it.

I think it's important she stops seeing him as soon as possible. The longer and more you invest a relationship, the harder it becomes to admit maybe it's not the right one for you.

I agree with the people who said your friend was lucky to have you. Be good for yourself too tho. It can be very draining to try to save people from their own choices. Even tho we all seem to agree that what she is doing is risky and unhealthy, she's an adult and has the right to do it. Don't risk your own well-being to save hers.

I wish you and your friend the best,

Soy

Jagged

Tho his motives are very likely malicious, this guy is giving her something that she is not getting anywhere else. I doubt it will be easy to convince here of the former until she finds another way to meet the needs of the latter.

If at all possible, get her to a good therapist. I recommend cognitive-behavioral therapy.

DamagedGoods

This could be difficult if she's in a hard-core fundie group - in my experience, a lot of them view therapy as something evil and to be avoided, because "you should be leaning on Jebus instead of a therapist." But hopefully Carrie might have some luck in persuading her to go.

Jagged

Yes very true. Don't I know it. I suppose you could try a "Christian counselor" but in my limited experience they don't do shit.

Another random thought--has anyone written a book specifically about their experience being conned by someone like this? If so, it might have a better chance of helping her--probably someone with a similar experience could empathize with why it is easy to be deceived. Or something.

DamagedGoods

I poked around in Amazon.com for a bit but couldn't find anything relevant. If I run across anything I'll post a link.