Anna Karenina

Yeah, but tell me, how do you think this can affect a man who is not supposed to take any responsability at all?

To me, who is the father is just as important as the child itself.
He is the right guy, he has all the characteristics that I was looking for. I want my child to be proud of who his father is even though he may never meet him.

In vitro is not an option to me. I don't want it that way.

If he changes his mind, then I will be happy. My ideal scenario is that he gets involved with us. I would like him to raise my child as well. I like him and I could fall in love with him. So, it does not represent a problem.

I would like that he could be a male figure, but I won't force him to be that. I still think that it would help a lot. I am not against fatherhood, but I cannot ask anything.

I do want him to get involved. A sperm donor is something out of my options. I wouldn't have a child that way.

Anna

keyser_soze

May I inquire into the reasons behind this? (don't worry, just curious, not judgemental)

Viti

My sister-in-law not quite accidentally (IMO) got pregnant at age 36. She had the guy sign the parental rights waiver while he was still pissed at her . Then she met and married a great guy, he adopted her son and they had another boy together.

brighid

Anna,

Personally, I don’t feel your desire to have a child is selfish. I also do not feel choosing to be a single parent is “immoral.” Fathers are important to the development of any child and so are mothers, but I am not sure either are essential if the proper environment is provided to a child. As a woman who chose to be a single parent and raised my son for 6 years entirely by my lonesome I can tell you that it IS possible to raise a happy, healthy, well adjusted child that is not brought up in an “intact” family. I have since married a wonderful man. My son has always had positive, strong, male role models in his life. I was not in the strong financial position you are in, nor did I have the maturity I have now at age 31 so I personally feel if you are emotionally and finically able to provide a life for a child that this choice could be a very positive experience.

I would suggest looking into the possibility of Invitro Fertilization. The legal and medical implications are far less burdensome with an anonymous donor then with a man who you will not marry. You will know a much more detailed medical history of a sperm donor. There will be no father desiring legal rights of the child and therefore no financially and emotionally costly custody battles. However, I can see some positives with knowing the man for the sake of the child who will later want to know about his/her identity. (I apologize, I see you don't see IVF as an option.)

I would caution you still against this scenario you have put together, especially from the experience of a single parent and one who is a seasoned veteran of the Family Court System. Believe me, it is much more complicated then you can yet imagine and the emotional and legal entanglements are enormous. If you are interested in raising a happy, healthy, well adjusted child it would be better (IMO) to carefully choose a donor and raise a child without the emotional and financial drain that will VERY likely accompany the scenario you have discussed. If YOU want to raise a child then YOU do it. Don't expect him to fall in love with you, or the child. Do not expect a fairy tale and since this is a choice ... do it with as much foreknowledge and caution as you can possible muster. IF you decide this route do so under the careful guidance of a lawyer experienced in family, custody and adoption law. Protect yourself and your child with knowledge and an ironclad custody, parental rights LEGAL and binding agreement.

It is likely (as was in my case) that the man impregnating you will not, initially want to be a "father" but will "father" your child. But months or even years (as was my case) he decides he know wants to assert his "rights" and takes you to court for visitation, etc. Or worse for full custody of the child. This could be a terrible legal nightmare that will reck havoc on your life.

You will also have to discuss co-parenting techniques and expectations. This is more complicated then you realize as well because the reality of the child and parenting is different then the hypothetical situations you shall encounter. It would be much easier and HEALTHIER for a child not to have to deal with this extremely likely turmoil.

I would also strongly suggest looking into adoption if this is a possibility for you. There are many children in this world without families and single parents CAN adopt, even infants. It can be costly, depending on the ethnic/racial background of the child in need of adoption but it can also be a very life affirming experience that fulfills your needs to love and raise a child, while the same time fulfilling the needs of a child who needs to be loved and raised in a secure, happy home. If you would consider this option I (during my own research into adoption) could provide you with some helpful resources. Adopting a "special needs" child is also one option to consider. This doesn't necessarily mean a child with a handicap, but often times they are older and have been through some difficult times.

One of the most noble and difficult jobs in this world is CHOOSING to be a parent when the time is right. Parenting can be an absolutely amazing experience. I do not regret my single parenthood for a second, even if it was difficult at times. There are no “perfect” families. One parent can provide a healthy, wonderful environment for a child to grow up in. One can choose to have a child sans a spouse and raise a happy, loved, well adjusted child. I do not think you should have to wait for the perfect partner before fulfilling your dreams to be a parent, either through your own fruition or through adoption.

Unfortunately your fertility decreases will age and it becomes more difficult to carry and care for a child as we grow older. This is not to say that it is impossible, because I know plenty of couples that have had children in their late 30’s and early 40’s. Pregnancy can be a beautiful experience and obviously it is like no other a woman can have. I also have helpful resources on doulas, midwives, (and I personally recommend a midwife/OBGYN combo for your care along with a doula if you can find a good one especially if single parenting is the way for you.) and other pregnancy related issues.

I also have donated my eggs to an infertile couple and can answer any questions you might have about IVF, etc. I do not have any negative feelings about the possibility a child with my genetic makeup is out there with another family. Occasionally it crosses my mind, but I know that IF a child was conceived with the assistance of my genetic material then this is most likely a very good thing. Genetic makeup is not the tie that binds the love of a parent to child, or even family. I know that couples going through IVF desperately want to have the experience of pregnancy and parenting. They take incredible steps at much personal expense: physically, emotionally and financially … just to have this child. I do believe that a child born under these circumstances is very, very likely to be loved, cherished and raised with a loving parent OR parents.

Brighid

keyser_soze

My point exactly, but Brighid has so much better a way with words! Perhaps I should enjoy myself of some patience in writing? Anyway, Along with B. I cannot stress enough the pitfalls inherent in your current plan. I know he may be a great guy, and things COULD work out well...but what if they don't? Always hope for the best, but expect the worst. It's just part of playing the game, and you may find out 6 years down the line, that someone is not playing by the same rules you thought everyone was using. Please reconsider, if not in vitro, then at least adoption. And surely, his signing a form will not stop him from growing close to you and the munchkin...It is only protective, and I see nowhere that it could harm.

fatherphil

check yourself because the reason you give for having a child is no different than the one given by poor teenage girls who want to have something they can call their own. i really believe that having children should be undertaken with a self sacraficial attitude. that being what can i give for this other person who dispite any genetic relationship is still a completely seperate person. i'd say the first thing you might want to give them is a stable two parent home with both mommy & daddy.

yguy

Neither does having a mother. Trust me.

yguy

Oh, that's just swell.

"Son, your dad is a really cool guy."

"Really Mom? Can we go see him?"

"No, son - he doesn't want anything to do with you."

I'll give you this much, Anna: you're making me appreciate my good fortune in never having known my dad.

brighid

In part, yguy does have a point about the questions your child WILL have one day about his/her father. I do not agree that a mother and father make a stable family. Ideally they do, but plenty of us have come from “broken homes” where a mother, or father was present but did a lot of damage. Two well adjusted stable PEOPLE make for a very good home for children, but a mother and father do not a good family make. It’s about quality, not quantity when it comes to parenting and one good, loving, stable parent is better then two that don’t meet up to those standards.

Anna, before actually venturing down the road of single parenthood I would pick up some books about adoption and identity issues as they are similar to that a child in this situation will very likely experience. They issues can be combated with knowledge and with careful and thoughtful parenting. Honesty is the best policy and if you were to choose this arrangement telling your child the whole story from day one will be an enormous help. This is not to say that single parenting is easy. It is not, but it can be very rewarding and a worthwhile venture.

You need to consider day care arrangements: the costs, the reliability, the quality of care and other such issues. As a single parent, even more so then as a traditional parenting unit you NEED, absolutely NEED a strong support system! I cannot emphasize that enough. You need sympathetic and supportive family members and friends. You need a supportive work place and community, or else the ordinary trials and tribulations of single parenthood will be compounded by these outside stresses … since this is a choice, and not something being thrust upon you it is in your best interest, and the best interest of any child you have to make for certain these things are in place before you embark on this journey.

You can be a successful single parent, tackling all the obstacles you will face AND raise a wonderful child! I can think of a few famous athletes that come from single parent homes: Rondi and Tiki Barber, Christopher Zorich (check out his foundation by the same name) … and there is always the other side of the coin as well, but any child that grows up in a stressful home with out the kind of love and attention EVERY child needs and deserves (regardless he/she grows up with Mom and Dad) the child will be “handicapped.” Not knowing ones mother or father is not an automatic handicap. It can be, for some children, but it is not by default a handicap. Sometimes the absence of negative influence is a VERY positive influence in a child’s life and I will say that IS the case in my situation.

You must thoughtfully and carefully research and weigh all the costs, risks and benefits of this life altering decision. It’s not just your life that you will be effecting, but that of an innocent child. You can make this desire to be a parent without a partner work. It will just take time, patience and LOTS, and LOTS of self-reflection and careful preparation.

Brighid

yguy

Someday, your child will do something so selfish that you'll want to strangle him/her - and possibly claim innocence on the grounds that everyone else does it. When that happens, remember what you said here.