Anna Karenina

Hello everybody,

I am struggling with myself with this question. I am 31, single and financially independent.

I have decided that I want to have a child . I met a guy over a message board and I met him in person too. He is the right guy, he is intelligent, humanist and anti-imperialist. We just disagree with our philosophical positions. I am going to ask him to be the father of my child. I don't know how he is going to react...I am scared...

I wonder if I am being selfish about bringing a child to satisfy my own needs. I also wonder if I am being too mean to decide on this guy's parental responsability and desires.

I am not going to ask him any financial or emotional support if he does not want to give them. I want to let him decide what his role will be. If he wants to have contact with us, perfect. If he does not, perfect. Although, I would love that he got involved with us in the future.

Is this decision morally acceptable? The only concern to me is whether or not there will be negative consequences for my child in the future.

Please opinions are welcome.

Anna

yguy

Anna, I beg you not to deprive your child of a father.

And yes, bringing a child into the world to "satisfy your own needs" is very questionable, in my view. It sounds like you would be expecting love from the child. Very young children have no love to give - they can only take it.

Anna Karenina

I won't wait for a Prince who will never come to my life.

I think I am capable of giving a child a decent and happy life. I would love to have a man by my side but I cannot wait anymore.
As I said, I will tell this guy that if he wants to take responsability then he will. If we wants to raise this child as well, then he will.

It is up to him.

I see my future meaningless without someone who I can take care of and love.

yguy

Can you be the child's father?

beth

Anna, I understand your dilema. I would not do this, as I was raised without my father and I know the pain I have faced because of this. But you may be able to provide a different kind of life than I have. I would suggest him siring a child, but I would not go through with it if he was not interested in being a part of it's life. But that's just me. You are the one who is dealing with your biological clock ticking away. I wish you luck in this.

Anna Karenina

No, I don't want to be a father for my child.

Remember that many fathers are abusive and cause more damage than benefit. You have no strong arguments to support your assertion that a father figure is important.

yguy

So do many mothers. Maybe we're better off in a Brave New World, huh?

Anna Karenina

I grew up with a father and a mother. It did not make any difference to me. He never talked to me, he never had communication with me. We were strangers living in the same house.

I don't see why a man is important for a child. I will do my best to convince this guy that I want to keep in touch with him and I also want my child know him. But it is up to him. I cannot decide on his heart.

I still don't know if he will accept my proposition

yguy

Great. You had an absent father, and you're gonna give your kid the same handicap. I thought parents were supposed to want better upbringings for their children than they had. What is the kid going to think when it starts noticing that its playmates have dads? As someone who never knew his dad, I can tell you that it hurts - but that is the very least of the trouble you're asking for if you go through with this.

A boy needs a good male role model. A girl needs a dad whose good qualities she will eventually look for in a husband.

A mom's love tends to be nurturing, which is great for the first few years; but at some point they need discipline - and dads are better sources of tough love.

It is obvious to me that your own experience has prejudiced you against fatherhood.

braces_for_impact

I grew up without a father. I will be honest and tell you it caused a great deal of pain at times. Am I better for it? I am who I am because of it. Would I be deprived of my life because I 'should' have had a father? No.

yguy, do me a favor and drop the psychoanalytical babble, as you are not qualified to be diagnosing peoples motives for their wants and desires.

It was a handicamp once, now it's a source of strength.



Is 'wanting better upbringings' better if it happens to match your opinion?

Most likely what many children are doing these days. Heck there's more children in this situation now then when I was a kid, and I'm hardly old.

I agree with this, though I dissagree it has to be a father.

You haven't met my mom

Though this may be true, there is this thing called tact. I think maybe I should let my mom explain it to you.