Freethought & Rationalism Archive

Oxidizing Material · 03-15-2002, 06:22 PM

I was approached in a park today while eating some pizza by a few guys in nice suits "spreading the word". I must say, I think I handled it quite well.

Witness #1:"Hey man."

Witness #2: "Hey there."

Me: "Oh, hi."

Witness #1: "How you doing? We're spreading the word, you know. Do you or anyone you know have a spare moment?"

Me: *Checking watch* "Sure."

Witness #2: "Cool"

(Insert two or three minutes of back and forth chatter about God, heaven, Jesus' eternal gift and such)

Me: "Wait, can I masturbate?

*Pause*

Witness #1: "I'm sorry?"

Me: "I heard that if you're a Christian you can't masturbate or something. I don't know if I can do this."

Witness #2: "Uh..."

Me: "I mean, I can't just go from five times a day to zero just like that, you know? Is there some sort of lengthened Christian conversion that would allow me to view decreasingly attractive women until I can't get it up any more? That would be cool."

Witness #1: "Uh, no..."

Me: "Well, what would Jesus do, you know? Maybe if I only spanked the monkey before I prayed, so I could be clean, you know?"

Witness #1: "I don't think..."

Me: "I sure would miss choking the chicken in the shower, though. The shampoo is like a lubricant. I especially like how Head and Shoulders feels when..."

Witness #2: "Maybe Chrisitanity isn't for you. Thanks anyway."

*They walk away*

Well, I'm glad I'm not a Christian.

--------------------------------------------------

[ March 15, 2002: Message edited by: Oxidizing Material ]</p>

never been there · 03-15-2002, 07:50 PM

I like Scottish comic Billy Conolly's approach:

Q: What do you say to two J's Witnesses who come to your door?

...

A: F***************** OFFFFFFFFFFFFF !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Illithid · 03-15-2002, 11:59 PM

I usually either kill them, threaten them, or bribe them, depending on exactly what cri... Oh, you mean Jehovah's Witnesses.

Kill 'em.

Hugh Jass · 03-16-2002, 04:08 AM

When J.W.'s came a-knocking we always sent one of the kids to the door accompanied by our huge dog who checked the identity of visitors by sniffing the crotch. Trying to preach with something the size of a bear snuffling in your private parts is not easy.

-DM- · 03-16-2002, 06:59 AM

My wife's Avon lady recently became a JW. My wife kind of likes it, though; it saves her one trip to the door each week.

--Don--

Oxidizing Material · 03-16-2002, 07:03 AM

Oh, I forgot to mention. They weren't JWs, they were Christians. Church of Latter Day saints or something like that.

MzNeko · 03-16-2002, 07:12 AM

Sandy R - it's a good thing I wasn't drinking anything when I read your reply or I'd be in the market for a new keyboard about now! The mental image was priceless... <img src="graemlins/notworthy.gif" border="0" alt="[Not Worthy]" />

sullster · 03-16-2002, 10:04 AM

I like it. The essential way to deal with these cretins is to be confusing and irrational towards them. The masturbation rant was good because it clearly jammed their curcuits. Actually, any such line of attack will work, just stick to it no matter what the cretins say.

BigBlue2 · 03-16-2002, 05:54 PM

If I am taken by surprise I usually talk to them in a language they can understand.

Example: O ye simple, understand wisdom: and, ye fools, be ye of an understanding heart. Proverbs 8:5

or

The tongue of the wise useth knowledge aright: but the mouth of fools poureth out foolishness Proverbs 15:2

If they try to scare me by condemning me to hell, I counter with:
Walk in wisdom toward them that are without, redeeming the time. Let your speech be always with grace, seasoned with salt, that ye may know how ye ought to answer every man. Colossians 4:5-6

If that doesn't shut them up the following usually does:
Thou givest thy mouth to evil, and thy tongue frameth deceit. Psalms 50:19

(edited for formatting)

Regards,

BigBlue2

[ March 16, 2002: Message edited by: BigBlue2 ]</p>

Hugh Jass · 03-17-2002, 03:03 AM

[QUOTE]Originally posted by BigBlue2:
[QB]If I am taken by surprise I usually talk to them in a language they can understand.

Right on. The elementary 'Who was Cain's wife' almost always confounds them since most of them haven't really thought about their bible at all. The trouble with this approach, I've found, is that they want to return with their leader to explain the answer!

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03-15-2002, 06:22 PM	#1
Oxidizing Material Banned Join Date: Jan 2002 Location: Somewhere where I don't know where I am Posts: 2,069	I've figured out how to deal with witnesses I was approached in a park today while eating some pizza by a few guys in nice suits "spreading the word". I must say, I think I handled it quite well. Witness #1:"Hey man." Witness #2: "Hey there." Me: "Oh, hi." Witness #1: "How you doing? We're spreading the word, you know. Do you or anyone you know have a spare moment?" Me: Checking watch "Sure." Witness #2: "Cool" (Insert two or three minutes of back and forth chatter about God, heaven, Jesus' eternal gift and such) Me: "Wait, can I masturbate? Pause Witness #1: "I'm sorry?" Me: "I heard that if you're a Christian you can't masturbate or something. I don't know if I can do this." Witness #2: "Uh..." Me: "I mean, I can't just go from five times a day to zero just like that, you know? Is there some sort of lengthened Christian conversion that would allow me to view decreasingly attractive women until I can't get it up any more? That would be cool." Witness #1: "Uh, no..." Me: "Well, what would Jesus do, you know? Maybe if I only spanked the monkey before I prayed, so I could be clean, you know?" Witness #1: "I don't think..." Me: "I sure would miss choking the chicken in the shower, though. The shampoo is like a lubricant. I especially like how Head and Shoulders feels when..." Witness #2: "Maybe Chrisitanity isn't for you. Thanks anyway." They walk away Well, I'm glad I'm not a Christian. -------------------------------------------------- [ March 15, 2002: Message edited by: Oxidizing Material ]</p>

03-15-2002, 07:50 PM	#2
never been there Veteran Member Join Date: Mar 2002 Location: Winnipeg, MB Posts: 2,144	I like Scottish comic Billy Conolly's approach: Q: What do you say to two J's Witnesses who come to your door? ... A: F************* OFFFFFFFFFFFFF !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

03-15-2002, 11:59 PM	#3
Illithid Regular Member Join Date: Feb 2001 Location: BF, Texas Posts: 161	I usually either kill them, threaten them, or bribe them, depending on exactly what cri... Oh, you mean Jehovah's Witnesses. Kill 'em.

03-16-2002, 04:08 AM	#4
Hugh Jass Junior Member Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Brandon Canada Posts: 70	When J.W.'s came a-knocking we always sent one of the kids to the door accompanied by our huge dog who checked the identity of visitors by sniffing the crotch. Trying to preach with something the size of a bear snuffling in your private parts is not easy.

03-16-2002, 06:59 AM	#5
-DM- Honorary Member Join Date: Dec 2000 Location: West Coast Posts: 5,714	My wife's Avon lady recently became a JW. My wife kind of likes it, though; it saves her one trip to the door each week. --Don--

03-16-2002, 07:03 AM	#6
Oxidizing Material Banned Join Date: Jan 2002 Location: Somewhere where I don't know where I am Posts: 2,069	Oh, I forgot to mention. They weren't JWs, they were Christians. Church of Latter Day saints or something like that.

03-16-2002, 07:12 AM	#7
MzNeko Veteran Member Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Long Beach, California Posts: 1,127	Sandy R - it's a good thing I wasn't drinking anything when I read your reply or I'd be in the market for a new keyboard about now! The mental image was priceless... <img src="graemlins/notworthy.gif" border="0" alt="[Not Worthy]" />

03-16-2002, 10:04 AM	#8
sullster Veteran Member Join Date: Apr 2001 Location: North of Boston Posts: 1,392	I like it. The essential way to deal with these cretins is to be confusing and irrational towards them. The masturbation rant was good because it clearly jammed their curcuits. Actually, any such line of attack will work, just stick to it no matter what the cretins say.

03-16-2002, 05:54 PM	#9
BigBlue2 Veteran Member Join Date: Dec 2000 Location: Sydney, Australia Posts: 6,666	If I am taken by surprise I usually talk to them in a language they can understand. Example: O ye simple, understand wisdom: and, ye fools, be ye of an understanding heart. Proverbs 8:5 or The tongue of the wise useth knowledge aright: but the mouth of fools poureth out foolishness Proverbs 15:2 If they try to scare me by condemning me to hell, I counter with: Walk in wisdom toward them that are without, redeeming the time. Let your speech be always with grace, seasoned with salt, that ye may know how ye ought to answer every man. Colossians 4:5-6 If that doesn't shut them up the following usually does: Thou givest thy mouth to evil, and thy tongue frameth deceit. Psalms 50:19 (edited for formatting) Regards, BigBlue2 [ March 16, 2002: Message edited by: BigBlue2 ]</p>

03-17-2002, 03:03 AM	#10
Hugh Jass Junior Member Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Brandon Canada Posts: 70	[QUOTE]Originally posted by BigBlue2: [QB]If I am taken by surprise I usually talk to them in a language they can understand. Right on. The elementary 'Who was Cain's wife' almost always confounds them since most of them haven't really thought about their bible at all. The trouble with this approach, I've found, is that they want to return with their leader to explain the answer!

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