Arken

I'm sure that this was done before, but I was sitting around thinking of stupid christian songs and started writing a few parodies (with chords!). Feel free to contribute your own.

Amazing Taste(lessness)

C F C
Amazing Tastelessness abounds
G
In Christianity
C F C
Whenever theists are around
C G C
I wish that I could flee.

'Twas tastelessness made me hate
All holy reverie
While once I thought it all was great
The lies now I can see

Through preaching ministers by scores
I have already come
I let them fight their holy wars
And tell me I am dumb.

They promised paradise to me
If I followed their rules
But blind I had to reason be
While in their Sunday schools

Jesus is Fiction [Jesus Loves Me, This I Know]

C G C
Jesus is fiction, you know
F C
Read the bible, it is so.
G C
His existence makes no sense
G C C G7 C
Why are some people so dense?!

CHORUS
F C
Yes, he is fiction,
G
Yes, he is fiction.
C F
Yes, he is fiction.

C Am C G7 C
And God too, yes it's so.

All the others? Fiction too.
Tell each Muslim, tell each Jew.
No sky monsters do exist.
I bet now you're kind of pissed.

CHORUS

Maybe if we teach the way
They will understand someday
We would like to see it cease
Too bad we can't call the police.

CHORUS


I'll think up some more later.

xsquid

I still think the best one came from the National Lampoon Radio Hour. I only wish I could remember the rest of it:

Onward Christian Soldiers
Duty's way is plain;
Slay your Christian neighbors
Or by them be slain
Politicians spouting
Effervescent swill
God above is calling you
To rob and burn and kill
All your acts are sanctified
By the Lamb on high
If you love the Holy Ghost
Go murder, pray and die!

Strange, the stuff one remembers after so many years...

missus_gumby

Click here for more hymns for non-believers than you can shake a stick at!

Martin

Arken

Eh. Too many of those are lovey-dovey secular versions of hymns. They need to be meaner.

Aravnah Ornan

They'll Know We Are Christians by Our Love

We'll round up all the Africans and make them our slaves.
We'll round up all the Africans and make them our slaves.
And we'll kill off the Indians for Jesus Christ, Who saves.
And they'll know we are Christians by our love, by our love;
Yes, they'll know we are Christians by our love.

We will burn every sodomite and burn every witch;
We will burn every sodomite and burn every witch;
And we'll torture the heretics and drown them in a ditch.
And they'll know we are Christians by our love, by our love;
Yes, they'll know we are Christians by our love.

Women must be submissive; make your husband your lord.
Women must be submissive; make your husband your lord,
Even if he's a deadbeat with a brain just like a gourd.
And they'll know we are Christians by our love, by our love;
Yes, they'll know we are Christians by our love.

We will kill every Muslim; we will kill every Jew.
We will kill every Muslim; we will kill every Jew.
Better hope our Crusaders don't then set their sights on you!
And they'll know we are Christians by our love, by our love;
Yes, they'll know we are Christians by our love.

Keatslover

Actually, I think it's a good thing that secular people try to be somthing besides funny and sarcastic once in a while. These songs are not sappy and they offer a new kind of comfort to people that don't require obedience to a deity. Even non-theists need some comforting thing to hold onto.

Defiant Heretic

Battle Hymn of the Republic (Brought Down to Date)
by Mark Twain

Mine eyes have seen the orgy of the launching of the Sword;
He is searching out the hoardings where the stranger's wealth is stored;
He hath loosed his fateful lightnings, and with woe and death has scored;
His lust is marching on.

I have seen him in the watch-fires of a hundred circling camps;
They have builded him an altar in the Eastern dews and damps;
I have read his doomful mission by the dim and flaring lamps --
His night is marching on.

I have read his bandit gospel writ in burnished rows of steel:
"As ye deal with my pretensions, so with you my wrath shall deal;
Let the faithless son of Freedom crush the patriot with his heel;
Lo, Greed is marching on!"

We have legalized the strumpet and are guarding her retreat;*
Greed is seeking out commercial souls before his judgement seat;
O, be swift, ye clods, to answer him! be jubilant my feet!
Our god is marching on!

In a sordid slime harmonious Greed was born in yonder ditch,
With a longing in his bosom -- and for others' goods an itch.
As Christ died to make men holy, let men die to make us rich --
Our god is marching on.

* NOTE: In Manila the Government has placed a certain industry under the protection of our flag. (M.T.)

Arken

I beg to differ.

Keatslover

I actually prefer parodies that are more cutting and funny than the ones on that websight. I'm secure enough being secular that I'm mostly content having a good chuckle at the theists. But then, I was raised in a secular household by parants who encourage disent and questioning. Some people are not so lucky. Some people were raised in religous households and have only recently began to see religion in all it's absurdity. For alot of them, this is a blow to their psyche and maybe secular hymns that you consider sappy might give these people some comfort.
If the secular point of view is going to gain favor over religion, we need to offer people more than biting humor and cold reasoning though these things certainly have their places.

Arken

Well may I suggest that they not go looking for them in a subforum called 'Freethought Humor, Jokes, Etc.'?