trillian

Ok. This is a long story but I'll give a short version here (yes its long but it IS the short version!). Let me know what you think. I've come to respect many posters' views on these forums.

My best friends' boyfriend has a 3 year old son by his ex who now lives in another state. He took responsibility for the child and has paid her ever since. Problem is, he hasn't worked for most of the last 2 years while my friend has been paying for his child and dealing with his increasingly manipulative ex (who is decidedly over-the-top insane a great deal of the time- and used to be involved in porn, drugs, and counterfeiting- really).

Another major problem is, this child LOOKS NOTHING LIKE HIM!! The mother is white (blonde hair? blue eyes), he is dark hispanic and this child is so white he looks as if he would burn just by thinking about the sun. Light blonde hair and blue eyes- whiter than me and I'm Dutch. Everyone suspects there is low probability (maybe 1 in 1000) its his but no one says anything to him. My friend and I reversed his birthdate back and it ends up in conception likely during 3 weeks the ex stayed with "friends" in LA while they were fighting.

When I'm over there, there are constant fights about the ex and the kid. EX always wants more money and is very mean to my friend on top of that. It seems like a constant crisis.

I have always hinted to my friend that they get the DNA test done but she says that he loves the kid and pretty much wants to stay in denial- and she wants him happy.
Last week (after a heavy dose of cocktails and her complaining about how the ex was going to sue HER for HER money too) I laid out what I really thought- she should force the issue for the good of everyone involved. The truth should be known. It was not fair to the kid. He'll know eventually. Her boyfriend may want to act as the kids dad but he should want to know, right?

Well, he overheard my rant and called me today accusing me of attacking him personally and not knowing both sides. I told him I basically didn't take a side but thought that truth was important and that all this destructive arguing and possible fraud had to stop, and better sooner than later. But I did it in an apologetic tone. I acknowledged that I didn't know everything about it and should have been more reserved in my judgements. I did feel guilty for hurting his feelings.

Maybe it's not my business if he wants to delude himself but I don't feel like going along with the lie anymore and pretending for the sake of his feelings when it is becoming hurtful to my own friend- who would rather not confront him on this issue. I also feel bad for this kid caught inbetween adults playing games with each other.

Maybe its selfish of me, but my friend talks for hours on the ex issues- endless problems- endless fights that are regurgitated again and again. I keep thinking "GET THE DAMN DNA AND BE RID OF HER!" I'm losing my patience I guess.

I want to be a "friend" to my friend but my advice is ignored so far- or maybe even causes her more stress, and if I stop then I feel frustrated letting her limp along in this obvious lie. Inside, I feel I should continue to press this issue because when I'm not around he manipulates her into believing him and I want her to know the truth and be free of the entanglements which are not her burden (nor HIS!).

Another side of me says "Just keep your big mouth shut!!- its their business and, as her best friend, you'll just have to deal with her rants- its her choice- maybe she likes all this drama".

What would you do? And why won't he just take the <expletive> test?!!

A very frustrated Trillian

P.S. I think she should break up with him altogether since they seem to do so temporarily each month in grand fashion(plus the fact that he tried to seduce me when she was away-and she knows it), but thats another story.

Kinross

Its not his kid. To have blue eyes the child must have two recessive blue eye genes. If the father is hispanic, and I have never met a hispanic with blue eyes, he most likely has two brown eye genes so can not give a blue eye gene.

girlwriter

Depends...My brother-in-law is of Native American and Spanish descent, so he looks hispanic. His grandfather has blue eyes, so there could be a blue eyed recessive gene. My sister is fair skinned and blonde with blue eyes, and both of their children are very fair skinned, blonde, but have brown eyes.

Anyway, none of this is really your concern. Your friend is in the middle of a very disfunctional relationship and I can tell you from experience (on both ends) that if you try to get in the middle of this, no matter how delicately you do it, it will only harm your relationship with her. This is something she needs to handle (probably with professional help,) and you can't fix it. "Being there" for her is a slippery slope. You want to be her freind, don't want to lose her, but she abusing your freindship.

The only thing you can really do is acknowledge your own feelings and communicate them to her. You've said you want to be a good freind, but this does not mean letting her drag you into her disfunction. Tell her you care about her and want the best for her. Tell her also that acting as her sounding board for endlessly repeating fights and rants is stressful to you, especially in light of the fact that she has rejected the help you've offered so far. I think it's fair for you to tell her that she is abusing your freindship. Maybe you could delicately suggest to her that you are unqualified to help her and she should be telling these things to a therapist.

Bottom line is that she's in a crazymaking relationship, and you can't let her bring all that craziness into your life. Unfortunately, it is likely to get worse before it gets better. The best you can do is take care of yourself and be there for her on the other side when she gets there. I know it sounds kind of harsh, but you'll make yourself insane trying to help someone in this kind of situation who is not ready for help.

For more info, or just for support, find a local chapter or do a web search for Co-dependants Annonymous. (Your local AA chapter should be able to help you find one.)

fatherphil

stay as far away from this drama as you can. that's my advice.

brighid

I know many “Hispanic” men and women with light skin, light eyes (both blue and green) that come from parents who have darker skin and dark eyes (who also have siblings with MUCH darker skin, hair and eyes). I also know of a black couple that gave birth to a very fair skinned, blue eyed baby and the paternity WAS confirmed via DNA that the husband IS the father.

A DNA test seems to be in order, but it can’t be forced on either party except through court order.

I personally understand your frustration with your friend. Unfortunately there really is nothing you can do to help the situation. All you can do is chose to listen, or exempt yourself from the situation. I don’t think a good friend always provides “positive” support and no constructive criticism. Those receiving the “constructive criticism” don’t always want to hear what you have to say, and would rather you simply tell them what they want to hear. It has been my experience that advice is respected and beautiful as long as it is what they want to hear, but venture into truthful criticism and you are often vilified for it. That simply demonstrates to you that this person IS not YOUR friend, not the other way around.

Brighid

Psycho Economist

Doesn't seem like much of a dilemma to me. Boyfriend ought to try and get a paternity test. If he's the father, he should try to get custody. If he can't do that, he ought to get a written agreement about support that she can't ratchet up at will to support her latin lover. Your friend is not under any obligation to pay off or even deal with this ex unless she marries her boyfriend.

No matter what, they should keep their interactions with these people mediated through an attorney. I hope he has good luck in finding a job.

If he can't comprehend that, or won't get off his butt, I'd say it's over.

trillian

Thanks for the responses!

From what all of you have said it seems that I have carried too much burden for anothers issues. I knew I would find some good advice here.

I have already told her what I thought, so now I will simply refrain from allowing her to engage me in future futile discussions. I now see how silence on my part might do more good than restating opinions she already knows. At least its a break in the pattern which may help her see things on her own.

Trillian

Ensign Steve

Most likely, but not necessarily. You don't know his ancestry, and there could be a recessive blue-eyed gene lurking around there somewhere. My niece is blond-haired and blue-eyed, and her biological father is hispanic. We have blood tests to confirm this (yes he was quite suspicious, and reasonably so). So while the odds aren't in his favor, the possiblity does exist.