captainpabst

I agree with the many people who have advised going home. Like you say, she can't keep you out of your own house. Like Hobbs said, if you aren't the one who wants a divorce, then don't move out. She might throw tantrums and raise holy hell, but that will only strengthen your case.

As one who was fed this line when I was 13, I can tell you that it rings very hollow. I'm certain the kids will feel much more secure if you are home, even if your wife is going off on you all the time.

...The more I think about it, the more I think it's best to be in your own house. If she's going to break up the marraige, then she'll have to be the one to leave.

Legal advice at this point is definitely necessary. At least don't move out until you know what divorce law says about abandonment in your state.

HelenM

She's admitting she hasn't usually been nice to you?

It seems that when she went as far as taking your guitar outside she realized later that she'd gone too far. I hope that will happen again. Perhaps the more extreme her behavior gets, the more likely she is to realize afterwards that it shows she needs help. If she can realize that then that would be a very good outcome, imo.

Helen

BadBadBad

Tell them instead that you don't ever want to leave them. Tell them mommy and daddy are having a tough time, but I'm going to do everything I can to make it work out. I don't believe you are an innocent in this Darren. I suspect that in all these fights, you probably have a lot of regrets about how you've acted. However, on the base issue, it's all her. The kids will come to understand that mommy has divorced daddy because of his personal thoughts. The less amount of bad behavior you have, the more the kids are going see you and them as victims of mommy's psycho rages, verbal abuse, and destruction of property.

Bill

I came into this thread late, but I advise you to not go back to the house without a court order. Ensure that your homeowners insurance is paid up and prepare to make a claim for anything she destroys. Hire yourself a good lawyer and TAKE THE LAWYER'S ADVICE!

I'm tossing this advice your way as somebody who has been through the whole divorce process. It took me one heck of a lot to dislodge my ex-wife from my house, and we didn't even have any kids!

== Bill

Vicar Philip

I arrived home, blood pressure rocketing, heart beat racing, teeth clenched, looking for the three cop cars parked around the back of the house.

Instead, I found my four kids running to the door greeting me. My 13-year old came up to me and asked if I was staying. I said, "Heck yeah!" and he hugged me. They were all visibly relieved. He handed me a list of groceries we need for the kids' lunches tomorrow morning. My wife had gone upstairs and gone to bed. She apparently assumed I was coming home all along.

Looks like I called her bluff, and was right. I don't think she ever intended for me to not come home. I haven't gone up to talk to her yet but I will.

I'll let ya know what happens.

D

beth

Good luck! If I can just give you a suggestion(I'm not sure if it was previously mentioned), buy a card and write down on it the reasons why you fell in love, tell her of the first moment you realized you loved her, tell her how loving her has and does make you feel. Tell her how important to you she is. Let her know that your love for her is above any belief or disbelief. Also, tell her of your hope and dreams for your future with her. It's always a charming notion to think of myself sitting hand in hand in rockers watching our great grandchildren run and play. Start speaking of future hopes and aspirations with her. Maybe this will get her mind off the hear and now. She also sounds severely depressed. This might help to pick her up.

James Hamlin

Darren,

I just started reading this entire thread a few hours ago. I was frustrated and appalled at your wife's mindset, though her childhood seems to be the cause of it. I arrived at the part where you finally had come to a peacefull agreement and were considering attending the meetings with the pastor and otther men. Then my heart sank for you when I read her reaction. But all seems well again, for now.

I would still be wary, as I'm sure you are. Perhaps you sshould attempt a civil conversation with her; lay out some rules, so to speak. Tell her that you will attend the church but on your terms. Give her conditions for your children's religious education. Most importantly, tell her how you feel about her and your family, but that you are not willing to compromise your beliefs if she offers ultimatums and that she must accept them.

It sounds to me like you have already done these things, but perhaps they should all be laid out in one long, calm conversation. And a legal consultation may still be a wise decision.

Good luck, man!

Carrie

Your kids need to know you, and they will want to know you. My dad never revealed much about himself or his beliefs to me, and I grew up not knowing him. It's only now that I'm 26 that we're starting to get closer.

Your kids have brains to decide what to believe on their own. If you were to tell them that it's silly to believe, they'd probably rebel and believe anyway. My mom didn't believe, but I still ended up becomming a fundamentalist when I went to college.

Anyway, your wife will love you even if you do tell the kids. She may not like it, but she'll deal with it. It's not like she can divorce you, because God wouldn't like that. And besides, you should be yourself with your own damn family.

And here's a good one: Tell your wife that the Bible says that the man is the head of the house and the woman is to submit to the man! So you should be able to do what you want! And tell her if God is so powerful, then he'll protect them from being influenced by your ideas. (No just kidding, don't say that stuff).

What you do need to do is tell your wife how much you love her, and give her all the reasons. Right now, I'm the one leaving Christianity in my marriage, and I'm worried that my husband won't love me as much, even if he won't leave me. But he assured me that he loves me for the fun and funny person I am, and because I love him and make him feel special. And if I need to hear that more often, I'm going to tell him.

Now even though you love your wife a lot, that doesn't mean that she should expect you to pretend to be what you are not. You'll just have to explain to her very gently that if the kids ask you about your faith, you need to tell them the truth. If you lie they'll just figure it out later anyway, and then they won't trust you or feel right about you. So I would quit strummin' for Jesus right away, so your not faking it, and because that's got to suck for you.

Good luck man!
-Carrie

captainpabst

Fuckin' beautiful.

Godless Dave

Darren, this is great BUT do not think that it's all over. Reading through this thread there seem to be several times when she calmed down and everything seemed fine, followed by another blow-up days or weeks later. For this marriage to work you both need to get at whatever root problem is bothering her. I really don't think it's religion at this point. Losing your faith just gave her something else to feel insecure about. Look at some of her statements: "You think you're smarter than me." "Is that how you're going to be? Calm, cool, and collected?" She feels bad about herself and feels threatened by you because unlike her you don't need religion and you can keep your emotions in check at least some of the time. (You also handle them differently than her - if she's upset at you she screams, if you're upset at her you get out of the car and walk - again I think she perceives this as you rejecting her). When she says "You think you're better than me" she really means "I think you're better than me". I don't know how you get help for someone who doesn't want it - in her case going for help would mean admitting she feels insecure, which is probably too scary for her. But she has to get it for this marriage to be saved.

If I can give you one piece of advice on your conduct, I don't think you need to explain anymore why you think prayer doesn't work and why you don't believe in God. She just sees that as you attacking her faith. When she baits you just say "I believe differently than you. It doesn't bother me when you pray. I hope you can show me the same consideration when I don't pray."

Disclaimer: I have never been married and I have no children. But I have some experience with selfish, childish, insecure romantic partners.