diana

It's been a long day. Rush rush rush. Brain going ninety to nothing. Headache. Too much to do and never any time to do it.

I finally get home, and begin to relax. The doorbell rings.

I don't often get visitors, on account of I'm reclusive and all. Also, I don't live where it's convenient for people to just walkfrom one house to the next. I'm not "on the way" between one door and the next, so they have to make a point of coming to my door. As a result, I generally get only the persistent, determined folk. If I'm home, I'm polite and talk to them, because hey...they did root me out.

My doorknocker is a sweet young man who introduces himself as Jamal. He's clean cut and seems surprised when I reach over and shake his hand in greeting. He's wearing a purse-style pack over his shoulder, and it's crammed with books.

"Hi, I'mraisingmoneyforcollege," he says, "andI'mofferingbooksjustfordonations." Many black folk around this region talk this way, and I still struggle with understanding them. The local white folk here drawl so much you've often lost interest by the time they finish a thought. The black folk don't enunciate much and runalltheirwordstogether. Just so you get the idea of what I was trying to have a conversation with.

ME (d hereafter): Hi Jamal. It's a pleasure to meet you.
J: I'm raising money to help me with college. Do you have stress in your life?
d (playing along, just to give the lad a chance): Yes.
J: Here's a book on how to deal with stress and worry in your life. [Hands me Peace after the Storm, or something like that. Presses on.] And do you read scripture?
d: Yes.
J: Here's a book talking about God's word and answering scripture questions.
d: [Takes it wordlessly and flips it open for inspection.]
J [pointing to a paragraph]: What I like about this book is that it gives the question people might have in bold, then the answer following. And are you a cook or eater in the household?
d [thinking this is one of the dumbest selling questions I've ever heard]: Of course.
J: Here's a cookbook that has many healthy recipes that can be prepared easily in 30 minutes or less. And do you have any children in the house?
d: No.
J: Any nieces or nephews that might like a present?
d: No.
J [Pauses, as I've broken his sales pitch, and looks for a book to pitch next.]

I glance at his knapsack. It's crammed with books. I've heard enough.

d: Y'know, I appreciate your stopping by and I wish you luck, but all these books are religious and I'm an atheist. And I don't need a cookbook.
J: They aren't religious.
d: Sure they are. This one's about how to interpret scripture.
J: But they're non-denominational.
d: That's still religious. I'm an atheist.
J: But they aren't affiliated...[rubs head]...I don't get your meaning. What's an atheist?
d: It means I don't believe there is a god.
J (unflapped, so far): Then you might be interested in this book: it's about stress and worry.
d [flipping it open to a random page and pointing]: It says Christ can take my cares. That's religious.
J: But that one isn't religious. It's just a devotional book.
d: Devotionals are religious.
J: But the cookbook.
d: I said I don't need a cookbook, but thank you anyway.
J: May I ask you why you don't believe in God?
d: Because there's no evidence a god exists. Why do you believe in God?
J: Because...[waves to the resplendant magnolia in my front yard]...who created all this?
d: What makes you think it was created?
J: Because God created everything.
d: Who created God?
J: Well that's a question you can ask when you get to hell.
d (grinning): You need to work on your people skills. Not real convincing.
J: But...you think this just appeared?
d: Dunno. Why do you believe in God?
J (after closing eyes and swiping one hand down face): I told you. Let me ask you this: when you get up in the morning, do you breathe? Who do you think gave you life?
d (nodding): Right. And who gave God life?
J: Can you just donate five, ten dollars to help me with college?
d (pausing): No. But I'll tell you what. I'll give you a tip. Join the military. They'll pay your way through college.
J: But I want to be near church.
d: They'll let you go to church. You could be a chaplain's assistant. Join the Air Force. Join the Army. They'll pay for your school.
J: They won't pay for the school I want to go to.
d: Which school is that?
J: Oakland Christian College in Huntsville, Alabama.
d: Oakland Christian College?
J: Never heard of it.
d (blankly): No.
J: It's like a normal college but without the bad things. Like smoking and drinking....
d: There are far more differences than that. Go out on the internet and read a few comparisons.
J: I've looked at all the other colleges. This is the one I want.
d: Do yourself a favor. Go to a real college and get a real education.
J: You can't spare just five or ten dollars?
d: Are you listening to me? I don't believe in God. Why would I want to give you money?
J: To help me through college.
d: Enlist in the Army.
J: You aren't going to help me at all?
d: I've helped you all I know how. I've given you some good tips. If you're smart, you'll listen to them.
J: I've taken enough of your time. I'll pray for you.
d (smiling): Yeah yeah. I've heard it all before. Take care.



*sigh*

d

BrotherMan

I could be wrong, but I'm pretty sure they would pay for it. He just wouldn't be able to attend while he's on active duty. The G.I. bill reimburses expenses for up to 10 years after completion of your tour of duty. (18 years after you first enlist for one-termers, approximately.)

diana

I think even the GI Bill requires you attend a college the DoD recognizes as worth paying for. I haven't looked this one up, but I rather doubt it qualifies.

d

diana

My apologies. I misunderstood: it's Oakwood College.

And I think he's right. Their financial aid office says nothing about GI bennies. Telling.

Seventh Day Adventist.

d

EGGO

Maybe he'll be back when you don't have a headache.

Biff the unclean

There are a number of scams that are being worked these days.
Raising money for Christian or Black College.
Babysitter marooned and needs bus money.
Neighbor had to be taken to hospital for broken foot, needs cab money home.
Collecting for abused women
And my favorite, collecting for police athletic fund.

What is happening is they are seeing if you have cash on hand, where you keep it and if you own things worth stealing, if you have a dog etc. You are being set up, be careful

Doctor X

Thanks Biff . . . put a negative spin on a wonderful story. . . .

diana:

One of the funniest things I have read in a long time. I was going to give him a point for persistence until he screwed up with the "going to hell" crap.

I forget the poster, but his response to "I'll pray for you"--delivered with solemnic concern since, clearly, a safe is about to fall on you--is "I'll think for you."

As far as I know, the military will pay for ACCREDITED universities . . . also, there are plenty of Seventh Day Adventist universities he could choose from that have military sponsorship. Not that you need to know that.

Anyways, nearly wet the Depends with:

what the hell else are you going to do in college . . . study?!!!

--J.D.

Undercurrent

This bit is just too priceless.

catmar

Actually Biff, the one the op mentioned is either a nationwide scam or legit - someone came to my door recently with the same books and routine - I'm in Florida.

I just told him the truth - I have too many cookbooks ( I prefer not to mention the atheist thing - my parents were home and they don't know -only my husband does.). Then I did my neighbors my usual favor - I turned him on them. Unfortunately, he had already tried. Damn.

Taffer

Does not compute.