snatchbalance

Well, I don't know where to start:

1. There has been a lot of good input, it has helped me to think through some of these issues. My own thoughts have been greatly clarified. Thank you all for taking the time to answer this post.

2. Brighid, I guess I wasn't clear enough but this all took place about 17 years ago. I have a 16 y.o. daughter from that relationship. We are on very good terms. She has spent just about every weekend and school vacation with me for the last 10 years. (Yes, I did marry her mother; we divorced after about 5 years.)

3. This all came to mind again because my current partner, the one with the IUD, has dicouraged me from using a condom. She says it's just not needed.

4. I have an appointment with a urologist on Thursday.

Thanks again to all.

SB

HelenM

What does your current partner think about that?

Presumably if she is at all insincere about not wanting a baby, she won't like that at all.

I wonder whether she'll see it as a sign you don't trust her having said you don't need a condom.

Have you told her?

I think it would be unwise to have a vasectomy and not tell her ahead of time - even if it is your decision (it is, of course)!

love
Helen

jfbiii

Ok, so if the man made a choice to have sex and the consequences are a baby are perfectly reasonable then we can reasonably infer that when women make the same choice to have sex that the consequences of a baby are perfectly reasonable there as well.

Or, if we find it unreasonable for the consequence to apply to the woman for that choice then it should similarly follow that application of responsibility [to a man] for the same choice is similarly unreasonable. Alternately, if the true choice is not at the point of sex but at the post-sex point of "do we want to have a baby" then it doesn't seem unreasonable for both potential parents to have the ability to opt-out.

[ June 11, 2002: Message edited by: jfbiii ]</p>

seebs

My thinking on this has stayed fairly stable, after reading the whole thread: Society benefits enough from saying "yes" that this is clearly the correct answer for a society. It may not be convenient to everyone, but, in the end, women have to get a lot of extra vote in reproduction, because they're the ones stuck with the hard part of the job.

HelenM

Yes, but - as things stand, the man's only choice point is at the time of sex. The woman can continue to choose [whether that's ethical or not, is a different issue]. Those are the facts and the man has sex in full knowledge that he has no guarantee of another choice point.

Which means he should not have counted on a future choice point. That was foolish, to count on a woman having an abortion just on his say so. No matter what she said beforehand. Because the pregnancy itself might well change her mind.

But - abstract discussions seem cold and heartless in view of someone being tricked...snatchbalance I am glad that you spend time with the daughter you never planned to have; I'm glad you didn't walk away because she was not 'your choice'. I would imagine she's very glad too.

love
Helen

brighid

Snatch balance,

Thank you for the clarification. It seems you made the best choices you could and I am glad to hear that you and your daughter have such a good relationship! GOOD FOR YOU

As to your current situation - I am not sure why she would disuade you from using a condom, if you are comfortable wearing one. Even if you get a vasectomy, that shouldn't necessarily stop your use of condoms. Outside of my current marriage, there was no one I trusted enough with my future to allow him not to wear a condom. Even if my uterus was like Fort Knox. FUCK THAT. The one time I did that I ended up pregnant.

But if pregnancy is your main concern and you do not want to have any other children a vasectomy is a great choice. I know of many men who have done this and they have been very satisfied with the results.

As a side note ... for any young ladies reading this thread if a guy less then 40ish tells you he is sterile and can't get you pregnant - DON'T believe him! It is such a fucking lie - unless he had testicular cancer or some other disease and is will to provide you with medical evidence, it's a ploy and he doesn't want to wear a condom.

Good luck with your doctors visit and with your current situation. Have you talked with your current partner about the vasectomy and how does she feel about it?

Brighid

[ June 11, 2002: Message edited by: brighid ]</p>

MadMordigan

As a side note ... for any young ladies reading this thread if a guy less then 40ish tells you he is sterile and can't get you pregnant - DON'T believe him! It is such a fucking lie -

I respect the cynicism displayed here. However, there are a precious few of us young bucks who actually have gotten sterilized voluntarily.

Any young ladies reading this thread, skip the breeders altogether. Once you've tried blanks you'll never go back!

HelenM

Can you get a certified copy of your vasectomy surgery record?

Maybe that would convince even the most skeptical of women...

I think it's reasonable to think it unlikely that a man has had that surgery, who is not married and relatively young.

love
Helen

snatchbalance

Brighid,

Well, it's not like I'm begging to wear one. But, we talked about it, and she said that it's probably not needed. She's 40, and probably not all that fertile. But, the risk is there and it has been on my mind.

Helensl & brighid,

No, I haven't talked to her about my Vasectonmy, I want to talk to the MD first.

SB

brighid

I know plenty of women who got pregnant naturally in their 40’s!! Your chances are probably pretty slim, but still the chance exists. Talk to her about your fears and tell her what you are thinking. If she isn’t interested in having any of your children she shouldn’t have a problem with you going to see the MD about it, or getting one. In fact it might even make her happy. She could even discontinue using the IUD. I would not recommend NOT telling her about your upcoming visit to the doctor. She might see that as less than forthcoming and wonder why you would keep something this important from her, especially if you are so concerned.

Now, if for some odd reason she gets really pissed that you want a vasectomy then I would say something is up! Furthermore, it is YOUR body and you should be able to choose the best course of action for your peace of mind. If you are constantly worried about getting her pregnant it will impede the intimacy of your relationship. I know how that worry has impeded my sex life and it’s NO fun. As a matter of fact it is down right destructive to the depth and strength of the intimacy in a significant relationship.

One way or another, discussing this with her will set you straight and either allay or confirm your worries. Hopefully, you have been worrying over nothing

Brighid