Jamie_L

After weaving in and out of the "Are new parrents annoying" thread in the morality forum (http://iidb.org/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=52&t=000062&p=) I came to the conclusion that I really don't understand what motivates people to not have kids. I have kids, always wanted them, and as such don't understand the opposite side of the coin.

So, I'm interested to hear what people have to say.

If you don't want to have kids, why not?
If you do want kids or have kids, why?

Please don't hijack this thread to judge people. People have already done a splendid job of that in the original thread. I just want to hear what motivates people different from me.

Now, just to be fair, here's why I have kids:

I always wanted a family. Not necessarily kids. I had a strong, close-knit extended family when I was young, and a close relationship with my parents (I'm an only child). When I began to think about my own mortality and growing old, I decided I really wanted to have a family of my own after most of the family from my youth was gone (passed away or drifted apart). I was never really excited about the whole "baby" aspect, something that peeved my wife to no end.

After having kids, however, I fell in love with the baby part. I'm still big on other people's babies (though I am more than I was before), but I get the biggest kick out of my infant and toddler. It's not just powerful feelings of love and emotion, but also just plain fun.

So, what motivates everyone else?

Jamie

Edited to add: Moderators - I accidently put this in the Misc. Religion instead of Misc. Discussions. Sorry. Feel free to move it.

[ March 08, 2002: Message edited by: Jamie_L ]

[ March 08, 2002: Message edited by: Jamie_L ]</p>

Oresta

I did't decide. All three were a sheer stroke of luck.

MassAtheist

Up until I was about 24, I didn't want kids. This was a source of big problems between myself and my fiancee - we almost split up because of it. She had always envisioned herself with kids and couldn't imagine life without them. But she also wanted to teach and couldn't see how she could do that while raising kids. Eventually she decided that life would be ok without kids and we got married with the loose understanding that we would not have children.

For me, the reasons were more selfish. I enjoyed being able to do what I wanted whenever I wanted to do it. Even simple things (like going out to eat on a weeknight) are much harder with kids. I also was focused on the financial impact. When I graduated college, I had a mountain of student loan debt and I couldn't see how I could pay for that, have children, and maintain the standard of living that I wanted to.

I was also terrified of being a parent. Specifically, I did not want to be the kind of father that my dad was. And I didn't know how to be a better father.

I distinctly remember one incident around this time. My wife called me at work to tell me her period was late (for any women reading out there - don't ever do this to your significant other). Quite to my surprise, I was not upset - I was almost happy. When I got home that night, she told me not to worry, everything was ok. It took me a moment to realize that she wasn't pregnant. I was, oddly, disappointed.

About 4 years ago, my sister had a baby girl. I had always liked babies, but seeing one in the family had a significant impact on me. About a year later, my wife's sister had a baby girl. It was around this point that I decided I might want children.

My wife and I talked about it a lot. We eventually decided that we would like to have one child, but we would wait for her to finish her Master's degree (which was required by her profession).

I'm not sure that I can enumerate my reasons for wanting children - it just "felt right". I know, it's lame, but I can't really explain it another way.

Anyway, after a year of trying and infertility treatment, my wife got pregnant. I was extremely exceited, happy, and nervous all at the same time. About 4 weeks later, much to my surprise, we found out she was carrying twins. I walked around in a daze for a few weeks after I found that out. I just kept saying "two...I can't believe there's two..."

Now that they are here , I'm still in shock. The past 4 1/2 months have been a blur. It's a lot of fun, but it's a ton of work. I would never give up my children, but I can't help wonder how my life would be different without them. Maybe better? Maybe not...I don't know...

Queen of Swords

Why I decided not to have children :

1. I don't believe I'm physically capable of going through with pregnancy or labor.

2. While I like talking to children when they're old enough to understand and hold up their end of a conversation, I don't like the everyday hassles of bringing up kids (messes, diapers, sicknesses, etc.)

3. I need a lot of time to myself, and I would resent anything that took me away from writing.

4. To sum it up I wouldn't be a good parent, and children deserve to be born to people who really want them and will take good care of them. I'm not one of those people and probably never will be. The last guy I dated felt the same way, since he was saving up for a vasectomy.

5. Disposable income, rather than disposable diapers; sleep unbroken by anything except sex or late-night writing inspiration; perfect peace in the house when I come in from a long tired day; oh yes, life is so stressful already. My books are the closest I've ever come to kids, and the closest I'll ever want to be.

Barney Gumble

I have to say I find this somewhat surprising - that you actually can't "understand" why someone wouldn't want kids. While I've heard the standard response (and given it myself) of "You never know!" when someone would dictate their lack of interest in children to a parent, I can't say I've ever some across someone that actually has difficulty comprehending the reasons for an individual/couple to remain childless. I would have thought they were readily apparent:

- Massive responsibility.
- Massive amount of work.
- Far less free time.
- Far more cost.
- Inability to engage with children on an intellectual level.
- Health complications.
- Unpredictability of life in general.

I'm currently in a relationship with a single mother. Whether or not I'll still be in this relationship a month or a year from now, I really can't say, and if I do depart it will probably 95% be a result of the demands of fatherhood. So, I can see both sides of the coin - there are days when I'm in a foul mood and that's quickly erased when he bats his big 3 year-old brown eyes at me and laughs at a funny face I made. There are also days when I've gotten little sleep and would just love to run fleeing back to my apartment to smoke a joint, read a book, play on the computer or watch something other than Barney and not wonder if any words that come out of my mouth are going to scar this individual for life and turn him into a crack addict.

IvanK

In a sense the decision was made for me. The woman I love isn't capable of having kids. Of course I always could have married someone else I suppose. But in the last analysis I guess you'd have to say that I never saw siring or raising kids as something that was vitally important for me to do. We have plenty of young nieces, nephews and cousins to look after when we get the urge; the nice part of that is that when you've had enough of 'em you can give 'em back to their moms and dads.

Sephiroth

I won't have kids or get married. Why? I would be able to get more free-time to read or just relax, I wouldn't have to worry about arguments or divorces, I'd be able to travel to other places way more often, and I won't be woke up by a crying baby at 2 in the morning. Basically, I want peace and independence. Yep, I'm selfish, but who isn't?

Sephiroth

While I'm here, I might as well ship this off to Miscellaneous Discussions.

~Sephiroth
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