Vespertine

After I read your stories, I realize how much those select few who have a loving family take it forgranted.

Thank you and I wish you all the best.

Straight Hate

I had a dream about two weeks back in which my father died. It was a very shocking and scary dream, but also very profound. I remember using his death as a springboard to make something of my life - in a sense, "you gave me life, I will not taint your memory". I think it was a result of me finally coming to terms with the fact that I'm ready to commit to something. All I want is to make my parents feel that they didn't waste their time on me.

How this relates to your loss, I am not sure. But rest assured my thoughts are with you. I can't imagine the myriad of emotions you must be experiencing. Take care.

Just Another Infidel

David,

To be honest, I've only now been able to read this entire thread although I saw it days ago. This topic really dedges up a lot of stuff for me.

I'm really sorry to hear about your loss man. My situation is very different but there seems to be a connection I honestly do not understand. I need to ponder this.

You're in my thoughts.

JAI

David M. Payne

I'm doing better today guys. It's not like his death was unexpected, and given his condition I think he would have wanted to go now. But his death seems to have shaken some deep-seated feelings out in the open for me. I have a lot to ponder myself JAI.

David

RED DAVE

David,

My sympathies. I myself am estranged from my father, and it leaves a big hole inside me.

It hurts, but this too shall pass.

RED DAVE

openeyes

For those of you who didn't know their fathers for various reasons: Do you have any advice if you're the parent left to raise the kids?

My dad's still alive, but my ex-husband, the father of my two boys, died in a strange assisted-suicide type of thing over 5 years ago (kids were 6 and 10). We'd had been divorced for 5 years before that time (he left me for someone else--big surprise to me) and he was quite involved with the kids (as far as non-custodial parents can be). He did seem to abandon them in some ways at the end for another "new" love and his strange beliefs but I'm not sure they noticed.

I've tried to tell them that he did love them (he could be very affectionate when he wanted to be) and that obviously he had some mental illness to do what he did. I've tried to allow them to have warm feelings for what he did offer them and to feel okay if they did have some anger too for how he chose to act (lots of negative press coverage to counteract also.)

They seem to be doing ok, but as many of you have pointed out, these abandonment issue can linger for a long time.

Anybody have any "words of wisdom" or something that could've been done to have made their loss easier?

David M. Payne

Tell them the truth about their dad when they are old enough to understand it. Be there for them. Let them know that their dad had his own problems and didn't deal with them too well, and it wasn't their fault. Give them hugs and affection and let them know that they are worthy people.
My dad was never around, and my mom was rarely around. She wasn't too demonstrative when she was, and had the need to regularly remind me of how stupid my actions were or how stupid I was. I still have low self-esteem from that, so try to build up their self-esteem. Little kids really need that. If you help them build a good emotional base as a child, they will have fewer problems to deal with as adults. Building people is somewhat like building a house. If they have a strong emotional foundation as a child, it is easier to build their life as they grow up. If the foundation is weak, the person will have trouble building his own life. I hope that helps you openeyes.

David

The Cromwell Institute

That was beautiful, David, and right on the money. I couldn't have said it better myself.

I am essentially estranged from my father. I've never been able to talk to him about anything. When I was younger he was a raging alcoholic [still drinks a fair bit but not as much] and what little time we spent together mainly involved him verbally abusing me, and it still hurts to this day. I managed to grow up to be fairly well adjusted and with decent self-esteem because my mother took it upon herself to do everything you recommended and then some. She is a real champion [she had to do this while raising a violent, Aspergic Autistic son as well, my older brother].

Listen to David, openeyes. I know from experience his advice is rock solid.

mikester

David, im so sorry man.

ive read this entire thread, and now im the one doing some pondering. thinking of my dad and the cradle song really hit me.

sorry to hear it.

B. H. Manners

David,

I am sorry for your loss as well as the circumstances you find yourself in.