DRFseven

These two paragraphs don't jive, Carrie. In my opinion, your marriage is not going to last long because you are unsuited.

First, tell your husband everything; next, do what you feel is appropriate, whether that is to stay married or not. It may take a while to get the idea of what is going on here and how you really want it to end up. Regardless, let it be out in the open.

Bookman

True enough. Still, why should not the two married people work this out together? It seems wrong, having given my pledge to live together as equal partners in all things, to chage the rules unilaterally. A marriage that can not survive a conversation about unmet needs is no marriage.

Bookman

fatherphil

definetly put off having any children till you really know what you want out of your husband. if you made a mistake, fix it. if your differences are so great that it would not be the best situation possible to raise a family, then back out now while you two are in a position to each start fresh with someone else.

Loren Pechtel

Some emotional attachment, yes. Not greater than one's primary relationship, though.

Loren Pechtel

Major red flag here.

keyser_soze

This is a tough topic. Apparently atheists don't lack social morals(go team!). I can see, what the others obviously see...that you are no longer fulfilled in your marriage. I would strongly suggest you two try to work this out now, as it is worse after time passes. My wife is christian and I am agnostic, so I can understand your difficulties...but at the same time I know that compromises can be made. I am a totally non-selfish person, devoid of jealousy, but I can still see how it hurts people. I felt bad for having an affair a few years back, but my wife and I worked it out and we've had a great marriage over all. Would we have been better off going our separate ways? Who knows. Marriage is about work, you put work in, you get results out. If both of you aren't willing to put that work in, including all the emotionally tough decisions, then it may be better to decide it sooner, rather than later. I would say talk with him about your differences, and resolve the things about your marriage that are not working NOW. Put the ex boyfriend thing on hold, you have more important things to worry over now. In your current state, I think you could easily do something that you would regret, even though you enter into the situation with the best intentions...that does not guarantee something untoward won't happen. Go ahead and work this out, even if you have to use a counselor(I was a psychologist and social worker, but I recognized the need to see a counselor myself, along with my wife..."physician, you CAN NOT heal thyself"). You seriously need to get busy either repairing the relationship, or severing it. If you two realize that you can't find a common ground, then there is no choice in the matter...To maintain a rocky marriage takes TOO much energy, and ends bitterly. I would suggest sitting down, the both of you, and writing out your goals and dreams, your expectations of the marriage and of each other. Then switch notebooks, and see if it is possible. Don't help each other, don't cheat by looking...just do the exercise. People, especially the religious, don't understand that sometimes separation is the best choice in a situation. Sometimes, things just cannot work out, and in these cases it is better to move on and create a new life for both of you.

dangin

Trust yourself Carrie. No one can live your life for you. If you wind up with bikers, (who can be great people) then maybe that is what you needed. But a life with someone you can't hook up with intellectually is pretty drab.

HelenM

I somewhat agree but I think it's important to be a little careful in making the assessment 'We simply aren't on the same wavelength' because sometimes a person decides that without even trying to restore a better level of communication with their partner.

And in that vein, I know I can't always trust myself, actually, to be thinking accurately about my relationships. I can easily get a distorted, overly-negative view of another person. I can dream up all sorts of things that aren't true about other people. I have to guard against that and be a little careful about 'trusting myself' in what I'm thinking about others. Especially if I'm not feeling happy in general.

Helen

Carrie

Okay, here's the update .....

I've gotten a lot of PM's too, and all has been very helpful. Thanks!

What I see I need to do is right now is really work on my relationship with my husband, and spend time on that. I need to do that whenever I start feeling negative about him. I tend to be critical and focus on things I don't like, and I won't think about all the things I do like - those reasons I married him in the first place. We need to go out and have fun together, and that's when I see most why I love him.

He's agreed that we need to do more things that I like to do, so yesterday he asked if I wanted to go for a bike ride. I said I wanted to go to the bookstore instead and drink coffee (not one of his favorite things), but we went and had fun. I asked him to read the book, "The Bible Unearthed" and hopefully that will help him to see that the Bible is not literally the word of God. So he started on it without complaining. And then he had me go with him to the golf store, and he showed me how to hit balls in the practice room. I actually liked it. So, it was a compromise, and we both enjoyed ourselves. I asked him what he thought of the book so far. He simply said that it's interesting so far.

So no, he's not one for intellectual conversation, but I can still be happy with him. The thing that is good about him is that he's fun, and he makes me laugh a lot. Sometimes I don't realize how much I laugh and smile when I'm with him. He's a very happy and positive person. There are a lot of great things about him, and us, so the relationship is worth being saved and protected.

I do look for people that I can discuss intellectual things with (so that's why I post here). But I don't think I'd necessarily want to marry another intellectual type like myself. I've done that, and usually those guys pissed me off. They were too negative, or they talked too much, and I wanted to tell them to shut the hell up and let me do the talking. They were good conversationalists, and very bright and knowledgeable, but they'd talk about shit I didn't really care to talk about all the time.

There has only been guy who's ever fascinated me by his mind, and we dated for a few months in college. He was very cool in many other ways too, but we broke up, which was a good thing, because he smoked pot every day, all day. And he was a jerk.
He was too critical, and he needed his big ego stroked all the time. He would even talk about how awesome he was, and brag about all the cool stuff he could do.

So I have to remember that I have a good thing in my husband.
I can find intellectual stimulation elsewhere, when I have a need for it.

But you all are right, I need to not seek it in my ex boyfriend.
He's not all that interesting anyway, but just someone who's good to talk to right now because he's an atheist, so he can relate when I tell him about particular dilemmas I'm facing with my family, husband, and friends. And he understands the way I want to live right now (basically, live it up a bit and let loose). So that's why he invited me to a party with some old high school friends.

But going to that party would be a bad idea, if I went without my husband. I could get too emotionally close to my ex. And even talking to him too much via e-mail is a bad idea.

So I told my husband that my ex e-mailed me and invited both of us up to come to a party with some old high school friends. He did invite both of us. My husband didn't give an answer, but just said, "I don't understand why he wants to be friends with you. "
I said that lots of people are friends with their exes. I said that I want to be his friend because we just never stopped being friends. If we stopped being friends, then it would be like he was dead, because I'd never talk to him again. I said that he's someone I like as a friend, and you sometimes visit with your friends.

My husband can't really understand it because he doesn't have any exes. I was his first real girlfriend, and he was a virgin when we got married at 24. Can you believe that?!

So I don't know if he'll ever understand it. If he's not okay with hanging out at a party with my ex, then we won't go, and I won't go. My husband is okay with me and my ex e-mailing each other sometimes, but not too much. So I'm going to have to watch it, mostly to make sure that I'm not telling him more stuff than I tell my husband.

I need to be talking to my husband a lot and make sure I am open with him about my feelings. I need to be giving of myself to him most of all, and putting my effort into our relationship. And I need to think about all the things I love about my husband and all I have to be grateful for. He's not perfect, but he's pretty great, so I intend to keep him.

I really do need to fight to stay faithful in every way though.
Basically, I'm just naturally the unfaithful type. Before my husband, I cheated on every boyfriend I ever had, even if I loved them. I have the "grass is greener over there" mentality. I'm always looking for more. I expect a lot out of people and life.
And I'm a thrill seeker. I love danger and challenge, and I get a kick out of getting away with things. I also tend to have a weak will and conscience. (Typical Gemini traits, if you believe in that stuff). I like doing whatever the hell I want, and I don't want to be told I can't, or it's wrong. I feel like rebelling sometimes, and I won't let myself feel guilty.

But alas, the guilt finally creeps in, and that's when I do stuff like post emergency threads on this site, for help. I sometimes need other people to tell me what's okay, and help me see what I'm doing and what I should do. Actually, I learned to do this when I was a Christian. Before I was a Christian, I didn't ask for anyone's advice, and I did do whatever I wanted, and often my choices were bad ones.

So I'm glad that people like you are willing to take time out to help me. Hooray for heathen morals!

Capt_Drakes

Well, if you have had a problem with remaining faithful to your significant other, then you are doing the right thing by trying to work on the relationship. Since infidelty is a problem maybe you should just call it all off with your ex. You recognize the problem, so you should ask yourself what is the right thing.

Your husband having a problem with you talking to guys is common, and not unwarranted. Most guys think - if you are an attractive woman, then you do not have guy friends, you have guys that wanna f*ck you. They may be aggresive or passive about it.