Carrie

I’ve been married almost 3 years. I love my husband and want to stay with him. But I’m friends with my ex-boyfriend, who I dated for 3 years in high school. We were very close and went through a lot together. I broke up with him, because I didn’t want to marry him. (I was too young and wanted to play the field, and I was tired of him, and I wanted someone better looking). But he really was a great guy. We stayed friends, but didn’t talk much for many years, because I didn’t know if he could handle a friendship with me emotionally. And when I was dating the man who is now my husband, I felt weird about being friends with guys. That’s because I was a fundamentalist Christian at the time, and I thought it was morally wrong to have friendships with other guys.

But recently, I stopped believing, and I’m an agnostic now, but my husband is still in the church. So I’ve started talking to my ex-boyfriend a lot lately. (I don’t think it’s as wrong anymore, but I’m not sure). He called to get in touch with me, and I told him
about my deconversion. And now it’s great to talk to him because he’s also not a believer, and he's just fun to talk to.
We know each other really well, so it's just an old comfortable friendship. We just accept each other, kind of like family.
He’s been dating lots of other girls, and he knows I’m unavailable. Now that I’m married, I don’t worry about him trying to get me back. He’s had 8 years to get over me, and he is over me. So it’s just nice to be able to be friends with him.

My husband knows that I talked to him on the phone. He said that as long as we don’t talk all the time or anything, it’s okay. But we’ve been e-mailing each other a lot.

The problem is that we are both still very comfortable with each other. And I can’t say that all the affection for each other has totally faded. I think that’s natural, after all the time we were together. I don’t ever want to end our friendship, but I don’t think my husband would like how much we’ve been e-mailing each other. I just wish he’d be okay with it. I could tell him, but he still probably wouldn’t be okay with it.

Also, my ex-boyfriend invited me up to hang out with him and his friends (I also know them from high school). He lives about 2 hours away from me. I would like to do that. It would be fun. I really need to get the hell out of the house and hang out with other people. All my friends right now are fundie Christians. I would really like to get out and have some fun with some friends from my past.

But would it be wrong to go hang out with my ex, as friends? Especially since I don’t feel like I can tell my husband? I’d have to tell him I’m going to see another friend.

Actually I feel like it’s wrong, since my husband would be hurt if he knew. I guess I just don’t care, because I think he should just be okay with it. I don’t want to marry my ex. I do still like him, but I’m not giving up my commitment to my husband because of it. I feel I can like my ex as a friend only, and that’s it. That way I can keep a friendship with him. The thing that makes a friendship just a friendship is the lack of physical contact. I don’t kiss my female friends, so I won’t be kissing him.

Since we won’t be having a physical relationship, is it okay to be his friend and hang out with him? Should my husband trust
me and let me be his friend? Should I talk to him about it and get his permission to be friends with my ex, and permission to visit him? It would be nice if my husband would even be able to be friends with thim.

My dad talks to his ex and has visited her, and they e-mail each other, and my mom is okay with it. I think that's really cool. Should I ask my husband to also be okay with it? Or should I just keep it to myself? If he wasn't okay with it, I guess I'd respect his wishes, but I really don't want to hear him say no. I'm afraid that's what he'll say. He might not trust me, but more likely, we won't trust my ex, since he doesn't know him.

What do you think?

Thanks.

King Rat

Nuff sed...

Carrie

King Rat,

So should I talk to my husband and ask him if it would be okay to visit my ex and old high school friends? At least give it a shot and see what he says?

Treacle Worshipper

Carrie,
I don't think sneaking around behind your husband's back to see this guy is a good idea. If you get caught (and chances are you will) he's going to find it extremely difficult to believe that you were "just friends". If you weren't cheating, why would you need to lie about seeing this guy?

So I guess my take is to talk to your husband about it. Maybe hold a dinner party & invite your friend, so they can meet in a more relaxed atmosphere with other people around, so it's not 1-2-1 & intense.

If your husband doesn't trust you with this guy, why would he trust you to leave the house without him? Doesn't make any sense. And if you're with your old school friends, it's not even like you're going to see your ex alone, is it?

(Personally, I can't imagine haveing to ask permission to see someone, but that's just my life.)

TW

fatherphil

bad idea, while not technically cheating, it is not worth the tension it brings to the marriage. king rat makes a very good point. drop this relationship like an old dress that does not fit anymore.

Loren Pechtel

You've answered your question right here. If he would be hurt if he knew then the presumption is that it's cheating.

Cheating isn't only physical. It can be emotional. That sounds like what's going on here.

Ab_Normal

I like Treacle Worshipper's dinner party idea. And I would definitely recommend talking to your husband about this. Mine got a little upset when we started hanging out with a fellow I'd dated in college, though we were married and the other guy was living with someone else. But he was able to work through it pretty quickly. The main difference I see from your situation is that we were in a social milieu where we were seeing S (t'other guy) together. (feh, that sentence just isn't working, no matter what I do with it. I'm trying to say that we were all in the same RPG group, without getting all nerdy.)

I come from a (possibly) strange angle on this issue, because the vast majority of my friends have been male, probably because I'm a nerd. Therefore, I firmly believe that it is possible and desirable to have friends of the opposite sex which are just that - friends. In fact, we had Easter dinner at one male friend's house, and his mom referred to me as his sister.

Carrie

Yeah, it is emotional, but I guess just like any friendship is. That's the whole reason I want to hang out with certain people, because I like them. So can I like him just as a friend? I have had friendships with other guys who I was never in a relationship with. So I know it's possible to just be friends.

I like the dinner party idea, but my husband didn't even want me to invite any ex boyfriends to our wedding. A couple of them would have liked to come, but all I could do was tell them I'm getting married, and they can't come. Maybe he'll be more open to the idea now that we've been married for a while and he knows how much I love him.

I guess I will have to talk to him about this if I want to feel okay about it. I'll have to work up the nerve and figure out how to ask him, and reassure him. I really don't like sneaking. I don't want to do that. I'd be too paranoid, even if I didn't feel guilty.

fatherphil

do you guys have kids?

beth

I think you should either tell your husband, or quit talking to the guy. I tell my husband about all of my online correspondance. He gets jealous at times, but then I explain that he has female friends that he either speaks to in person or over the phone. It seems that perhaps this relationship could quickly enter into another level. Be careful.