Vicar Philip

Thanks, b.shack! I don't hold anyone here responsible for my actions. The advice I have received here is simply that, advice; what I choose to do with it is MY responsibility.

I am planning to stay a while longer and figure out what's going on in her head. Right now we're playing the "avoidance" game. I'm still doing nice things for her on the sly, as last night I replaced her windshield wiper blades after I noticed one of them was split in two. I don't know if she'll notice or not.

Talk to you all soon.

HelenM

Darren, it seems to me this is a time when you have to hold on with all your strength to what you know is right and not be swayed by her attitudes and comments and behavior, as much as it hurts. And I'm impressed you seem to be doing that, if you can still do nice things for her and say you love her, in spite of everything.

The irony is that conservative Christians would be very impressed by such behavior even though they wouldn't agree with your atheism. Heck, anyone would be impressed - except those who are so concerned you're neglecting your own well-being that they'd say you're going too far in deferring to your wife's moods. Which I agree is a legitimate concern. But it's your decision, how far you go in trying to help your wife back to where she can see the catastrophe is in her head and not in the world around her. I know it's really hard for you right now, but I can't help thinking it must be just as bad or worse for her

Anyway thanks for all the updates. I hope it has helped to be as open as you have been, here.

take care
Helen

seebs

Let me echo Helen's comments; if you edited out the details of who believes what, just about anyone would be really impressed by your strength and committment here. If we took this story, filed off the serial numbers, and posted it on a Christian BBS, with the heading "look at what atheism can do to a family", everyone would think your wife was the atheist. Bigoted assholes.

Vicar Philip

Tonight after she left for work (another full day with no words), I noticed she left the diamond ring I got her for Christmas in the bathroom. She always wears it, along with the mother's ring she bought for herself.

I lost it for a little bit.

I took the ring, her wedding band (she hasn't worn it for a while because it's tight), my wedding band, and a "Together" figurine she got me for Christmas and hid them in a box in the closet. I soon thought better of it, though, and put her two rings back where they were. I left my ring and the figurine hidden.

I can't do this much longer. I guess she thinks ignoring me is punishment, and it sure as hell is. I'm ignoring her too, but it doesn't seem to bother her. I know it probably is, but she's so full of spite right now I really don't think she's going to give in. This "battle of the wills" shit extremely sucks, and she knows she's got a pretty fuckin' good deal. I do the dishes, the laundry, feed the kids, get 'em ready for school, make their lunches, etc. and don't get so much as a "Fuck you" from her. She's got a full-time nanny for free.

"Nice guy" here is ready to not be so fucking nice. Monday I'm planning to contact our cell phone provider and our gas card provider and have them split the bill into two separate accounts each. Why the fuck should I pay for her shit? I'll also leave her laundry dirty. She can do her OWN shit. I believe it's time to call the goddamn lawyers and see how bad I'm gonna get fucked.

I think I'm also going to remove all my clothes from the bedroom and put them in boxes downstairs, and also start sleeping on the couch. Fuck it. Why not.

HelenM

Maybe you're just venting - and I can see why, if you are.

Seriously, though, this is not healthy - to do something for someone but with the condition on it that they'd better appreciate it or else.

If you want to do the things you listed - and I would hope you'd want to take care of your kids at least, for their sakes - then by all means do them. Do them for your wife if you want to.

But her response is her choice.

With all due respect, it seems like both of you have somewhat of an attitude towards the other of "I need this from you and I'd better get it or else", which can work for a while to keep two people together but it's not what healthy relationships are built upon.

No offense - I understand this has all been very hard on you.

take care
Helen

Albion

She wants to provoke a reaction so she can turn round and tell herself and other people that you're the one being unreasonable. Don't fall for it. Do your reacting here and then be calm and pleasant to her, and she'll either get the message that her game isn't working or she'll back herself into a corner where everybody realises who's being unreasonable (and it won't be you).

Honestly, this sounds as if it's getting like the Balkans - they all know they're supposed to be fighting, but nobody's quite sure why except that that's what they do because they always have. Please don't let her manoeuvre you into that position. Bloody control freaks...

Vicar Philip

I have decided that I'm going to wait until she gets home tonight from work and confront her. I'm going to ask her directly if she is interested in saving our marriage or not.

If I get any answer other than yes, I'm telling her that if that is her decision, I will be making some financial changes in our little system. I will have the cell phone bill split into the two accounts, hers in her name and mine in my name. I will do the same for our gas card. I will also cancel Dish Network, unless she wants to take it over, in which case I will put it in her name. Maybe these small tastes of reality will help her see how crazy all this is. Maybe not. Regardless, I am sure that simply asking her the above question will result in a slew of nasty, biting, personal sarcasm. I am resolved to stay calm and quiet, and move on to the financial steps I outlined above.

I'll let you know how it goes.

AspenMama

If I were you, I'd do everything to protect yourself financially and legally before you confront her. She may already be doing that as well.

When I first separated from my ex-husband, and interviewed a lawyer, but prior to making the separation official, he took out a significant amount of money against the home we shared. Legally it was a mutual debt. Protect yourself before confronting her about saving the marriage. Cancel credit cards.

Vicar Philip

Well, fortunately (or ufortunately to look at my dismal credit record), all of our credit card accounts are closed and I am in the process of paying them off.

In examining these financial matters that need to be addressed if we split, I might actually come out ahead. The problem is I never know when she's going to come home with a couple hundred dollars of stuff from the store, and doesn't even bother to consult me first. Yes, yes, it's all part of the evil "control" I'm exerting over her (oh wait, it's just that I am the one responsible for balancing the checkbooks) to need to know what she's spending. It'll actually be a good thing to make her responsible for her own account. Then her unexpected little shopping sprees can make HER sweat it out and not me.

Heh. Silver lining indeed.

seebs

The downside of all of this is that I'm not sure you want her to stay with you for financial reasons.

It sounds more and more like she needs mental health care, but I'm not sure where it would come from.