Bible Humper

I posted this in Ojuice's thread, but after I started, it just kept getting bigger, until it was large enough to deserve it's own thread.

Well, we know that we were made in his image, so we can use that fact to figure it out by examining his behavior in the same way we would examine each other's. The first thing that comes to mind is the fact that it has become common knowledge that those who are preoccupied with loathing towards homosexuality are projecting their own insecurities about being gay themselves.

If we look at his history, we see that he was a charter member of at least one pantheon. You would think that all of the goddesses would be batting their eyelashes at this impressive war deity, who is the one who created the universe! Yes, it is certainly remarkable that he didn't end up with a spouse, this Yahweh fellow.

Look at how he conceived Jesus, he didn't even get his dick wet! We know that since we were created in his image, that he is a sexual being too, so why did he use artificial insemination? Why didn't he indulge when he finally had a good chance? Zeus sure would have!

It has been discovered that "nakedness" is a euphemism for sex in the Bible, and this confirms our suspicions!

Ezekiel seeing the nakedness of the LORD!

Loins even upward! He is so excited that it is bursting with blood, making it bright amber! Open wide, Ezekial!

I bet Ezekial swallowed, you don't dare spit out the deity!

Ezekial didn't impress the LORD, so the LORD just demanded a blowjob from him. Moses, however, was apparently hung like a bear! Exodus 33:23 tells us about their encounter.

"And I will take away mine hand..."

Covering his ass.

"... and thou shall see my back parts...

The holy sphincter.

...but my face shall not be seen

It is pressed into the pillow.


Note Revelation 14:3-4!!! Only 144,000 celibate men shall be saved! The deity wants you fresh if you hope to get in his harem!

Revelation 1:13-16 and 2:16 has baffled the world for centuries, what the hell is meant by this image of Jesus with a sword in his mouth? Hmm, well the word "vagina" used to be used to describe a sheath for a sword, so that makes a sword...err...ummm.... how does he taste, Jesus?

Paul pleads with Philemon in Philemon 1:20 to "refresh his bowels in the LORD"....

2 Thessalonians 2:18 promises that Jesus will "consume" the wicked with the "spirit of his mouth"....

Matthew 16:23 has Jesus yell at the first Pope, Peter, in what must be a euphemism of some sort, "get thee behind me, Satan!"....

Malachi 2:3 "Behold I will corrupt your seed(euphemism for sperm in the Bible), and spread dung on your faces". Well, I guess the deity is allowed to indulge in these sorts of fetishes....

According to Habbakkuk 3:4, Habbakkuk saw the deity and he had "horns coming out of his hand". Well we know that that is silly, but it is understandable for an ancient illiterate barbarian to be confused. Surely being the only deity these days, Yahweh has to sometimes take matters "into his own hands", and it's a safe bet that as a deity, he has highly individual tastes; surely the deity isn't impressed with the same old same old, so if he were to be seen holding a dildo sporting an exotically shaped head, it is understandable that poor Habbakkuk thought it a horn!

Ever wonder what a deity strength orgasm would be like? Well Micah 1:8 gives us a good idea. "Therefore I will wail and howl, I will go stripped and naked: I will make a wailing like the dragons, and mourning as the owls." Want a cigarrette, Yahweh?

Amos 2:16 says that "And he that is courageous among the mighty shall flee away naked in that day, saith the LORD." What do you think Yahweh just did to him, that he would be running away, naked, and probably with both hands gripping his asshole in agony?

Oh, and if you want to attract the attentions of the deity, being hung like a bear isn't enough. Yahweh has a hardcore grudge against the uncircumsized! Ezekial 32:21-32 makes this abundantly clear!

Isaiah 60:16 "Thou shalt also suck the milk of the Gentiles, and shalt suck the breast of kings: and thou shalt know that I the LORD am thy Saviour and thy Redeemer, the mighty One of Jacob. Why would the deity want this sort of behavior? He likes to watch?

The deity doesn't seem to care one way or another what kind of damage to your innards he does with his monstrous shlong, according to Proverbs 20:27, anyways. "...is the "candle" of the LORD, searching all the inward parts of the belly".

Psalms 78:65-66 show a hung over Yahweh raping the men who just pissed him off. "Then the LORD awaked as one out of sleep, and like a mighty man that shouteth by reason of wine. And he smote his enemies in the hinder parts: he put them to a perpetual reproach."

1 Samuel 5:6, 9, 12, has Yahweh smite the men of Ashdod with hemorrhoids in their "secret places". Surely they were friction blisters!

Just like men, according to Judges 9:13, Yahweh prefers to be drunk when he indulges in debauchery. Wine is his drink of choice.

According to Deuteronomy 28:27-28, don't be expecting safe, STD free sex if Yahweh demands your ass. He apparently has picked up a few in his time. ""The Lord will smite thee with the botch of Egypt, and the emerods [hemorrhoids], and with the scab, and with the itch, whereof thou canst be healed."

Along with his other picadillos, Yahweh is apparently a peeping Tom. Deuteronomy 23:12-14 has Yahweh giving instructions for shitting. He says to carefully cover up all feces "for the Lord walketh in the midst of thy camp." (You wouldn't want the divine foot to step in your shit, would you?)

If you still somehow have doubts, Deuteronomy 23:1 makes it abundantly clear what part of the male member of the species Yahweh values above all else. You can't even go to church if your testicles are damaged or your penis has been cut off.

Numbers 23:15-16 show you what kind of reward you got from Yahweh back in the day when people still burnt animals to please him with the "savoury" smell. "And he said unto Balak, Stand here by thy burnt offering, while I meet the LORD yonder.
And the LORD met Balaam, and put a 'word' in his mouth." Well, since you can't "put a word" in someone's mouth, I think that it is pretty clear what did go into his mouth!

Leviticus 21:20 reminds us that "a man with damaged testicles must not come nigh to offer the bread of his God. Not that he is obsessed with our genitilia or anything.

Leviticus 19:23 has Yahweh informing the Israelites that the fruit from fruit trees are "uncircumsized" for three years after the trees are planted. Remarkable choice of imagery by the deity, one can't help but wonder how often cock is on his mind one way or another. He seems to want to make double sure that everyone knows that circumsized is the proper state of affairs for a penis. Triply sure even. Not that he is obsessed or anything.

In Exodus 28:2, 20, 40, Yahweh decrees that priestly garments, girdles, and bonnets shall be made for glory and beauty.

Not that he is preoccupied or anything, but Yahweh is once again concerned about an errant foreskin in Exodus 4:24-26. God decides to kill Moses because his son had not yet been circumcised. Luckily for Moses, his Egyptian wife Zipporah "took a sharp stone, and cut off the foreskin of her son, and cast it at his feet, and said, Surely a bloody husband art thou to me. So he [God] let him go." This story shows the importance of penises to God, and his hatred of foreskins. Not that his preference for circumsized penises is sexual or anything. Not that he really thinks about it a lot, or anything.

In Genesis 32:24-30, Jacob wrestles with god and wins. God changes Jacob's name to Israel to signify that he wrestled with God and "prevailed", which is an event indeed deserving of commemoration. I think that it is obvious that the omnipotent Yahweh actually allowed Jacob to win, he wanted to get mounted!

According to Genesis 17:24, Abram was 99 years old when he was circumcised. To commemorate this incredibly important event, God changes his name to Abraham. Not that he has cock on his mind a lot or anything.

Genesis 11:4 has Yahweh worrying that people could build a tower tall enough to reach him in heaven. Freud would be impressed, when this deity conceives of phallic imagery, he thinks BIG.

No, Heathen Dawn, it is no wonder that Yahweh didn't score a spouse at some point. It is not exactly a mystery.

Yibbi-biddi-biddi, that's all folks!

Hayden

I saw the title, and was going to post something crass and tasteless, but I see there's no point.

HR

<img src="graemlins/notworthy.gif" border="0" alt="[Not Worthy]" />

Egoinos

Now I'm disturbed.

On a more serious note, some scholars suggest that Asherah was the consort of Yahweh. I did hear a lecture on this, but I don't think I was listening, the only thing I remember is that the lecturer called her "Mrs. Yahweh" and I thought that was funny. Ah well.

Heathen Dawn

But... but I thought <a href="http://www.godhatesfags.com" target="_blank">God hates fags</a>! Nah... this puts together a new theory about EloHomo JeHomoVa. A rabid homo-hater is naturally suspect of being a homo himself

JohnR

Don't the mormons believe there is a father and mother god who have spirit babies who enter flesh babies as they are born? That poor mother god several billion babies and she is still pregnant.

<a href="http://www.flash.net/~ronfried/bible/mormon.htm" target="_blank">http://www.flash.net/~ronfried/bible/mormon.htm</A>

[ November 21, 2002: Message edited by: JohnR ]</p>

Celsus

Yahweh wasn't always single. He had the lovely Asherah, although it seems he got dumped or something and then went all raving mad to get rid of Israelite worship of her circa 700BCE.

(The mental gymnastics Christians will go to to explain away the existence of 8th and 9th century BCE idols depicting the two together are astounding.)

Stephen T-B

From an intrview with Joihn McCarthy, the Beirut hostage and author of It Ain't Necessarily So.

The word "Israel" is now known to mean "Fighter for El," and El was a Canaanite god. Furthermore, the most common religious objects found in excavations throughout Israel are small female figures, and two stones dating from the eighth century BC have been found with Hebrew inscriptions referring to Yahweh and his consort Asherah.

Jamie_L

Well, round about 2000 years ago, it seems he got lonely and opted for a one night stand.

Jamie

Jagged

I know I'd never go out with him. Think of what an abusive, violent, misogynist boyfriend he'd make! He'd be hard-pressed today to get any tail he didn't have to pay for.

Bible Humper

Interesting stuff! I've never heard of this.

I wonder if it is analogous to the way that human gays sometimes marry a woman and try to "fake it" for a while, until they snap and finally indulge in their real urges!

This is interesting stuff, though, what are the apologetic defenses to the embarrassment that Asherah represents for Xianity? Maybe worth a new thread?