Proxima Centauri

Unfortunately Helen is a Christian. She won't mind too much if those kids remain with their neurotic mother learning to praize Jebus.
Get a lawyer, Darren. I often spend two or three pounds an hour reading this thread and trying to help you. I don't begrudge the money as long as its well spent. When you don't do simple things which you could do to help yourself I feel upset and disappointed.
Sorry about the angry tone. We are all trying to help you. <Edited by Moderator>. Please do what you can to help yourself and your kids.

Rhea

Hey Darren, just a question.

Did your wife do these manipulative things before your deconversion? Did she threaten divorce before?

I don't recall if you said so already.

I agree that seeing the lawyer has it;s own problems and I think the advice to do it above-board is useful. You are going to a lawyer to see how valid her claims are. Nothing more, nothing less. Non one can tell you better than a lawyer.

Heck, make the appointment joint. Tell the lawyer you don't want a divorce, but with the threats you want BOTH you and your wife to understand what divorce means and what would happen. Let her ask all the questions she wants.

(Okay, maybe it would be prudent to get your own info first)

She does need help. But you do, too. Really your kids need to see this being WORKED ON. It ain't healthy. Give your children the gift of an example of how to have a GOOD life.

brighid

B Shack,

Just because Helen is in fact a Christian doesn't mean she wants those children to remain in that situation to praise Jesus. That is presumptuous and rather mean spirited. Helen may wish that Darren and his wife work through their problems and avoid divorce for reasons unrelated to her theism, even if her theism teaches her divorce isn't a viable option. Helen is also married to an atheist and has some unique perspective on Christian-Atheist marriage blends, their problems, etc.

Brighid

Proxima Centauri

Despite your digression Darren needs a lawyer.

brighid

I am not in disagreement with Darren needing a lawyer. I have suggested that many times before. My post addressed the comment you made about Helen, so I do not feel I have digressed, but in fact ADDRESSED a point that should not have (IMO) been left without challenge.

Brighid

Proxima Centauri

It doesn't necessarily mean she wants those children to remain in that situation, you're right.

BadBadBad

Rhea, this was my point exactly. This would prepare him for actual divorce, and he'd be prepared to deflate the divorce threat. If he plays it just like you've suggested, I don't see that it promotes divorce in any way.

However, I won't disagree with the other posters. The goal is to not get divorced. What I see is that they both have difficulty resolving conflict with each other (don't we all). They definitely need to talk about the divorce threats and conflict resolution. If they are still doing counselling, that would be a good place for it.

JCS

Quite frankly calling her bluff is the honest thing to do. In your situation your parents may state that they didn't want a divorce, so let's suppose they did not divorce. You could have had eight more years of "chess-playing" with the same result but with far more entrenched bitterness.

My sister and her husband lived that way for 29 years before they finally called it quits. Now their 3 kids won't talk to either of them and even after 5 years of separation their bitterness simmers right below the surface waiting for any opportunity to spew all over.

Living with this type of arrangement is hardly the best for anyone, since it cycles itself over and over with no resolution. There will never be progress much less happiness unless serious resolve intervenes to break the cycle.

joel

Proxima Centauri

When I made this post you had not yet told us that your wife now sleeps on Sunday mornings. Sorry, I'm not omniscient.
Things are not getting slowly worse in the relegious department. Your therapist allowed a situation to develop where you are no longer under pressure to go to church. She is better than she appeared. I agree, you should go back to the therapist.

Vicar Philip

Hello all,

Sorry I haven't been around much, been very busy with work and our kids. Had an 8th grade graduation party a few nights ago.

We continue to make progress in our relationship, at least I hope so. She has taken ownership of her anger in several instances and apologized. I have not jumped on the atheist soapbox and told her how ridiculous her beliefs are. So, we are getting along rather smoothly at the moment.

I honestly think she brings up the divorce threat as more of a "last resort" than a serious intention. It's one of the weapons she has in her arsenal, and fortunately hasn't used it since the last time I wrote about it. I really believe that the longer she is exposed to my "awful" godlessness, the more she accepts it, rather she wants to admit it or not. The other day she was reading my mom an e-mail with some kind of Christian tripe in it, and made a laughing comment about how she knew I didn't buy it. So at least she's stopped being so nasty about it.

I'll check in later and write some more. Thanks everyone.

Darren