Secular Jeff

I know this should really be over in the Humor section, but it fits in here quite nicely.

Jeff Lucas


This message, sent with permission by a "devout Christian" (according to my correspondent) may either be taken seriously or with a grain of salt, whatever you prefer.
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As you know, we've been working real hard in our town to get prayer back in the schools. Finally, the school board approved a plan of teacher-led prayer with the children participating at their own option. Children not wishing to participate were to be allowed to stand out in the hallway during the prayer time. We hoped someone
would sue us so we could go all the way to the Supreme Court and get that old devil-inspired ruling reversed.

Naturally, we were all excited by the school board's action. As you know, our own little Billy (not so little, any more, though) is now in the second grade. Of course, Margaret and I explained to him no matter what the other kids did, he was going to stay in the classroom and participate.

After the first day of school, I asked him, "How did the prayer time go?"

"Fine."

"Did many kids go out into the hallway?"

"Two."

"Excellent. How did you like your teacher's prayer?"

"It was different, Dad. Real different from the way you pray."

"Oh? Like how?"

"She said, 'Hail, Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners...'"

The next day I talked with the principal. I politely explained I wasn't prejudiced against Catholics but I would appreciate Billy being transferred to a non-Catholic teacher. The principal said it would be done right away.

At supper that evening I asked Billy to say the blessings. He slipped out of his chair, sat cross-legged on the floor, closed his eyes, raised his hands palms up and began to hum.

You'd better believe I was at the principal's office at eight o'clock the next morning. "Look," I said. "I don't really know much about these Transcendental Meditationists, but I would feel a lot more comfortable if you could move Billy to a room where the teacher practices and older, more established religion.'"

That afternoon I met Billy as soon as he walked in the door after school.

"I don't think you're going to like Mrs. Nakasone's prayer, either, Dad."

"Out with it."

"She kept calling God 'O Great Buddha...'"

The following morning I was waiting for the principal in the school parking lot. "Look, I don't want my son praying to the Eternal Spirit of whatever or to Buddha. I want him to have a teacher that prays in Jesus' name!"

"What about Bertha Smith?"

"Excellent."

I could hardly wait to hear about Mrs. Smith's prayer. I was standing on the front steps of the school when the final bell rang.

"Well?" I asked Billy as we walked towards the car.

"Okay."

"Okay what?"

"Mrs. Smith asked God to bless us and ended her prayer in Jesus' name, amen -- just like you."

I breathed a sigh of relief. "Now we're getting some place."

"She even taught us a verse of scripture about prayer," said Billy.

I beamed. "Wonderful. What was the verse?"

"Let's see..." he mused for a moment. " 'And behold, they began to pray; and they did pray unto Jesus, calling him their Lord and their God.'"

We had reached the car. "Fantastic," I said, reaching for the door handle. Then I paused. I couldn't place the scripture. "Billy, did Mrs. Smith say what book that verse was from?"

"Third Nephi, chapter 19, verse 18."

"Third what?"

"Nephi," he said, "It's in the Book of Mormon."

The school board doesn't meet for a month. I've given Billy very definite instructions that at prayer time each day he's to go out into the hallway. I plan to be at that board meeting. If they don't do something about this situation, I'll sue. I'll take it all the way to the Supreme Court if I have to. I don't need the schools or anybody else teaching my son about religion. We can take care of that ourselves at home and at church, thank you very much!

Corwin

LOFREAKINL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Too bad this doesn't happen in real life when these nutcases get this crap passed. Oh well.

Godless Dave

Halilujah! Speak the truth, brother!

This has all the makings of a fine anti-godspam.

mariemrm

I couldn't agree more!

It reminds me of that commercial from a couple years ago: the football team is getting ready to say the pre-game prayer and the coach says "In order to be politically correct we will be having a variety of prayers." and then a parade of
priests, ministers, rabbis, mullahs, shamans, monks, etc, proceeded to offer prayers. I can't even remember what the product was that they were trying to sell, but the commercial cracked me up.

This is better because I have already copied and pasted it into my email app so I can send it to all those people who think they can "save" my soul by sending me god spam or sappy, "inspirational" glurge.

Abacus

That was great! It's exactly the sort of thing that all of those shit-for-brains theists that clamor for school prayer have never even considered.

The Resistance

I'm stealing this and putting it on a Christian message board.

Godless Dave

I betcha get banned.

atheistdave

I just stuck it on the "Quotes" section of our company bulletin board, with all of the fundy quotes. I put it under the heading of "Be Careful What You Ask For."

Dave

The Resistance

Actually, after one day I got only three responses, all atheists. I guess Christians don't want to discuss such issues.

When I posted the famous George Carlin routine, they all got super furious with me, but never addressed the issues it brought up. Typical.

Nickle

I think it was a snickers commercial.