Gurdur

Owing to popular demand, , I am going to do another few new translations of interesting Bible stories people suggest to me.

My own rules for myself are:
I do not set out to intentionally mock or blaspheme, what I simply try to do is tell the same story in different language, plus draw out more hidden aspects, and make the occasional sardonic comment.

So read the passage first before you read my interpretation.

I'll use the King James Version of the Bible, since it has all those interesting typos as well.
Feedback is appreciated !

And this thread is dedicated to DixieNurse, Bree, Pyrrho, wildernisse, WorldTraveller and spacedout.

Next up, in my next post here, the Book Of Job, chapter 1.
I remember once reading a professional academic theologian who said that the Book Of Job was the single most difficult book of the entire Bible for Christians ---- so I'll try to illustrate why that is so in my interpretation.

Mediancat

I've always thought the book of Job boiled down to "I'm bigger than you are."

It'll be interesting to see if you can show otherwise. (If you even intend to, that is.)

Rob aka Mediancat

Gurdur

There was this bloke named Job in another country, and he was a reasonably OK person, if you know what I mean.
But he had a problem without realising it:
he was a groupie of an absent landlord called "God", and God could be a mean old bugger and full of it at times, as we shall find out.


And like everyone else who could at that time, he had lots of sex and lots of children.
Why not ?

We'll find out why not !

And even though Job was a pretty nice bloke, who wouldn't give you any wooden shekels, and did a lot of consensual sex, he still managed to be filthily rich.
This makes you wonder, eh ?
But nobody's yet proven anything about fiscal wrongdoings on Job's part, or even hinted at such, so let's not get into jealousy and condemnation mode, OK ?
And his many children liked to party --- why not ? --- and more incredibly, they all got on very well with each other.
You are thinking to yourself,
"Some people have all the luck".

True ! but not in Job's case. Read on !

And because Job was a nice bloke, and a bit superstitous, he would send up smoke-signals to his absentee landlord God, and say nice things about God all the time.

OK, OK, Job was a bit of an arse-kisser, but he was otherwise a nice bloke, so let's not get too critical.
Especially when we find out how Job got rewarded for all this.

Now God was hanging ten with some yes-men of his, and God's super-cool dude hitman Satan comes strolling onto the scene.

And God said,
"How's things, my main man ?"
And Satan replied,
"Pretty cool. And with you ?"

And God said,
"Hey ! we argued sometime before about our groupies, and guess what !
I got this super-groupie on Earth called Job, and the silly prat not only worships the ground I walk on, he even tries to be a nice guy !
Isn't that good for a laugh ?"

And Satan replied,
"Only reason why you got such a super-groupie back on that mudball Earth is 'cause you keep sending him cash, and running protection on him.
But I bet if you kicked him in the balls, he'ld stop being a groupie of yours pretty damn quickly, eh ?"

"Oh yeah ?" said God.
"Then I'll tell you what: you can go and fuck up Job in all sorts of ways however you like, as long as you don't knock the silly prat off, and I bet you when you've finished, he'll still be a super-groupie of mine, dude, so there ! Nyah ! Do your worst !"

From which we learn God was not a nice person to know or be around with, and Satan wasn't much better.

Next bit coming very soon.

sweep

damn right. perhaps god would be better off with a german shepherd. Even then, you kick a dog so many times and it learns to bite back. Kick a job as many times as you like, and he still comes back for more.

god 'ha ha. I threw a rock at your head again'

job 'quit it! please, oh majestic one'

god 'oops I did it again.'

job 'who do you think you are? britney spears, oh great one'

god 'hoo hoo. this is fun. lets test him with a bigger rock. c'mon satan, don't be shy'

job 'hey quit it! please your mightyness! And coconuts don't yell when you bounce stones off them!

Gurdur

And so Job's children were happily partying on, as kids will do these days, little knowing that Satan was on his way to seriously fuck with Job's mind.
What Satan didn't know was that this was all a con-job of God's; God was not only using Satan as a hitman, and playing happy little betting games with him using real humans as pawns, but God was also setting up Satan in a nasty way ---- of which we shall learn much more, but only much later !


Anyway, back to the Bright Young Things' party. There they were all happily getting good vibes going, and suddenly a sent tornado demolishes them and their house.
And that's not all.
Some paid-off tribesmen of the theivish Sabeans stole lots of Job's livestock, and killed all those who got in their way.

And this introduces us to the concept of spear-carriers; people who are minor actors in someone else's drama, and their only job is to stand around holding spears, or getting killed as may be.
But wait !
These are real people !
So how come they're getting SHAFTED IN THE BIG-TIME WAY AND THEY'RE ONLY TREATED LIKE LOWLY PEONS OF SPEAR-CARRIERS ?

We got major cognitive dissonance here, folks.


Anyway, back to Satan's Tactical Operations:

And a bloody big meteorite (if this wasn't enough already) got given the job of killing off some more of Job's livestock.
I mean, when God and Satan do a knife-job, they really do it, if you know what I mean.

And some bought-off Chaldeans nicked all the remaining livestock.

And of course everyone couldn't wait to tell Job this.

Be sure, if you have bad news awaiting you, someone will be glad to bear it to you.
And Job headbanged against the ground.
What the fuck else could he do ?
:banghead:
He must have loved his children and treated them very decently, otherwise they wouldn't have gotten on so well with each other; and suddenly they're tornado-squish pasties ?
And then what the fuck is he going to live off with all his livestock nicked ?
And he must have cared about his servants as real people because no-one ever had a bad word to say about Job (that is, excepting the Great Cosmic Sadistic Clowns, God and Satan).

Anyway, Job refused to blame God. God chuckled, because his set-up job on Satan was going perfectly.
Satan was happy, because Satan liked kicking people in the goolies.
Silly Satan !
Being all set up, and not realising it at all !

And Job ?
Well, what the fuck else could he do except just mourn ? At least he didn't lose dignity and start ranting and raving in silly fashions.
_____________

Next bit would be Job chapter 2. I'll see what I can do there, and if I can boil the whole of The Book Of Job down to the essentials, since it's not short.

hinduwoman

"As flies are to wanton boys, so are we to the gods. They kill us for their sport" --- King Lear.

winstonjen

You rock, Gurdur! Don't forget the ending of the 'fable' - "You can replace anything with something that looks REMOTELY like it, including wives and children!"

Llyricist

Just wanted to chime in in support and encouragement for Gurdar to continue his fine workin modernizing this scripture.
:notworthy :notworthy :notworthy

BigBadShrubbery

We want more! We want more! We want more!

sakrilege

If you do enough of these bible stories, you'll have to have a website of the collection so we can reference them as necessary.