HelenM

Ok, fair enough.

I think I would find it very hard emotionally to be making every effort to make a marriage work and at the same time be planning in case of divorce. Because, in that situation, divorce would equate to failure, for me. And I would want to be focusing on success, not failure.

That's just the way I feel about it. Please don't interpret that as a criticism of the advice others have given. Other people have a different perspective because of their own experiences - I realize that.

Helen

The Other Michael

Hi Helen,

I look at attorney's advice for Darren as being like wearing a seat belt. He may go for 20 more years and never have a need for it, but then again he could be blindsided by an 18 wheeler on the way home from WalMart, and that advice could mean the difference between he and his family pulling through the experience instead of ending up in one of those horrid movies they show in drivers education classes (or at least they showed them 30 years ago, I haven't a clue what they get to watch in these modern times).

cheers,
Michael

brighid

Vicar,

Maybe you are a glutton for punishment But you also have showed an steadfast dedication to your family that many people just don't have. I respect that, but as others have stated, you need to protect yourself and knowledge is power. If I had to guess I would say she is testing the divorce waters herself because she is pushing the issue so much, but I would suspect that she wants and needs YOU to do it because of her religious beliefs. Don't wait to see a lawyer until after she has left with the children (and if she is desperate enough she may very well try this.)

I don't agree that knowing the law is giving into failure because in your case she keeps threatening divorce. It doesn't seem like there are two people earnestly working toward resolving their marital conflicts when one partner so readily throws out that threat in an attempt to manipulate the situation. If things were different I might personally feel that seeking legal advise would be detrimental to you situation, but IMHO (and experience) to fail to seek this legal counsel would be detrimental to your families future stability.

No one here can say what is actually best for your family. Only you know what that is. Hang in there.

Brighid

BadBadBad

Helen, isn't she the one planning for a divorce? Otherwise, she's surely using divorce as the mother of all bombs in what would seem even trivial conflicts. IMO, consulting an attorney would address both issues.

Rhea

Another SEE A LAWYER post.

Darren, if you see a family lawyer about your case, and explain EXACLTY what is going on, you will learn something. Probably quite a bit.

And the next time your wife mentions divorce and you say, "You know, you really scare me with that talk, so I went to see what a lawyer thought you'd be able to do and she said (get a woman lawyer if you want to take advantge of a disarming tactic) that since I have this this and this evidence and this this and this fact, that you're chances of getting the children exclusively are ZERO and your chances of being even custodial parent are quite small. So I feel a lot better about this and I STILL don't intend to get a divorce, but I feel a lot more confident about what will happen if YOU decide to get a divorce."

And maybe that would be planning for SUCCESS not failure, eh? Making her threat completely impotent might go a long way toward curing her of it completely. IMO.

JCS

I would even go one step further and call her bluff. Next time she says she is going to get divorce, pack her stuff up and ask her where she wants it sent. If she is sincere about her threat you will actually have saved yourself from prolonging this BS. If she is just bluffing tell her this is the last time or she is getting booted from the train. You only have one life and a very short time in which to enjoy it, unless you are a masochist what is the point.

jj

Philip, I must once again say that you have to remember that FIRST you have to survive. ONLY if you survive can you help your kids.

I don't want you to get a divorce, you don't want to, but it's pretty clear that your wife will either demand total capitulation from you, or she'll eventually walk (or worse). Given the actions she's taken and the accusations she's made, she is ready-set to take major and serious advantage of the entire CPS system the second you raise your voice. You are in danger. Your freedom is in danger, and your ability to take care of your kids is in danger.

TALK TO A LAWYER.

I know it's icky. Yes. Really. I know that.

BUT your wife is not getting better, she's getting worse. Until she's backed off to accept you completely as you are, YOU ARE NOT REALLY SURVIVING.

And once again YOU CAN ONLY TAKE CARE OF YOUR KIDS IF YOU SURVIVE THE SYSTEM YOURSELF!

Ape31

I have been following this thread silently for several weeks now - very interesting.

I have a lot of sympathy with the "see a lawyer" crowd but I think VP's main reason for not wanting to is because he would be going behind his wife's back and this would be seen, understandably, as a betrayal.

VP, I think you need to see a lawyer but you need to find a way to do it without being dishonest with your wife. Perhaps the next time she uses the D word tell her that you are extremely worried that she will carry through with her threat and you intend to see a lawyer. Explain that you do not want a divorce but that you need to protect youself as the consequences of not doing so could be devastating - loss of your children.

I feel for you man.

r.

scarmig

Personally, I would hope that you wouldn't "call her bluff".

This is exactly how my parents got divorced 8 years ago, and each of them since then has confided in me that they were *sure* the other knew they were just bluffing.

In other words, neither wanted to get divorced, but they got so involved in their emotional chess-playing tactics the result was inevitable.

Honesty is the best route. It may not be the easiest, and it may not get you what you want. But it's honest.

Godless Dave

I strongly agree with consulting a lawyer as a precaution (in fact I said as much several pages back). But I think when the Vic's wife says "I'm going to leave you" it really means "I'm very upset about something." She strikes me as someone who, like the Bible, does not literally mean everything she says. Instead, when she loses her temper all kinds of things come out of her mouth - things subconciously calculated to hurt or get a rise out of Darren. Given the emotional abuse she has suffered at the hands of her mother and mother-in-law I can understand how she learned this behavior. As I've said before, the woman needs help. As I've also said before, you can't help her until she realizes she needs it and decides she wants it. You have to prepare for the possibility that she never will.