Freethought & Rationalism Archive

Troll Hunter · 03-11-2002, 06:15 AM

[CUE manly theme music and opening credits.]

TROLL HUNTER!!!

[CUT TO: The interior of a movie lot in NEW ZEALAND. We see the remnants of a sound stage in the last stages of disassembly. GRIPS and HANDS pack up equipment, while AIDES gather scripts and props. PETER JACKSON is scampering on and off camera, shouting out last minute DIRECTIONS off-camera. In the foreground is STEVE, wearing his trademark goofy grin and a WETA DIGITAL jacket.]

G’day, everyone! Wow, the last few days have sure been hectic here at the Evolution/Creation forums. There’s been a right flurry of postings and threads since the wily and loquacious trollus quotitatus arrived. For those of you without the time or tolerance to read them all, we here at the TROLL HUNTER show have put together a retrospect of events. Enjoy!

[The Screen FADES TO BLACK.]

MR. VOICE: A lone nutter. A lone obsession. And a band of brave men and women willing to face the monumental frustration of setting him straight. It is ...

THE RANDMAN INCIDENT

Staring hezekiahjones, Kosh, notto, Oolon Colluphid, phlebas, ps418, turtonm, and a Chorus of E/C forum regulars. With a special appearance by Sandra Bullock.

Creature effects by Stan Winston. Screenplay by Daven Mamet. Directed by Peter Jackson.

[SCENE: The lush, fossil-strewn grasslands of the E/C boards. A CHORUS of E/C regulars can be seen in the near distance, conversing. They are dressed in traditional Greek costume, as befits a Chorus of their caliber.]

[In the foreground, a BOOT appears. It is purple, and large.]

CHORUS [In unison, dancing]: Hey, look! Someone new.

[The camera SPINS, and we catch our first glimpse of the newcomer: a large but completely unimposing figure dressed in purple and blue armor, wearing a Kirby-esque purple helmet, and a UNC basketball jersey. The armor-clad form strides towards the CHORUS. Scampering along beside him is a small man in Bermuda shorts, a silver-plated surfboard clutched under his arm.]

KOSH [Approaching the newcomers with an extended hand]: Hi there--

RANDMAN [Grabbing KOSH by the shirt]: I am RANDMAN, EATER OF BANDWIDTH! I have arrived with my herald, LUVLUV, from the depths of the ZuggaZoomba Lounge. Have you ever heard of polonuim halos?

KOSH: Well, I’m not sure, but maybe my friends here--

RANDMAN [Tossing KOSH aside]: You all! Have you ever heard of polonium halos?

CHORUS [In unison, and performing a traditional interpretive dance as they speak]: Yes, we have. Here’s a couple of web articles, which put it to question. We think maybe even Gentry himself has corrected it.

RANDMAN: But those aren’t peer-reviewed journals. Why hasn’t he been refuted in any peer-reviewed journals?

CHORUS [In unison, dancing]: But if you’d just read these websites, you will see that--

RANDMAN: You evilutionists misrepresent everything. Just answer the question! Why hasn’t a good peer-reviewed journal, like Creation Ex Nihilo, shot down polonium halos?

OOLON COLLUPHID: Creation Ex Nihilo? You must be joking.

RANDMAN [Wheeling on OOLON, eyes wide]: No! Why would I be joking? Just because they reject any scientific thought that disagrees with mythology doesn’t make them any less legitimate.

OOLON COLLUPHID: Actually, yes, it does.

RANDMAN [Rolling his eyes like an 80s Valley girl]: Oh, that’s SO TYPICAL. Why do evilutioists misrepresent everything? It’s like you hide from the truth, while there are legitimate scientists out there who dare to challenge--

DAGGAH: Legitimate scientists? But AiG--

RANDMAN: --your quasi-religious dogma--

HEZEKIAHJONES: Our religious dogma? What about--

[ALL fall into a confused explosion of speaking, shouting, and citing of sources. The CHORUS forms a circle around RANDMAN, sending a biting flurry of arguments his way. RANDMAN covers his eyes, then his ears, then his mouth. Then, he reaches into his pocket.]

RANDMAN: WAIT! [He throws up his hands, silencing the assembled CHORUS.] All of what you say is irrelevant! Pointless! A lie! For I have ... [He pulls a battered sheet of yellow paper from the pocket.] ... FIVE QUOTES!

[There is a collective gasp from the CHORUS. It is laced with sarcasm.]

RANDMAN: Yes, that’s right. You may have hoodwinked poor schoolchildren all these years, but I have here FIVE QUOTES that disprove it all!

CHORUS [In unison, dancing]: Oh, please …

RANDMAN: Unless you can explain away the FIVE QUOTES, I will accept your defeat graciously, and perhaps even thank you in my speech to the Nobel committee, for surely defeating such a longstanding scientific theory is worth some sort of prize.

TURTONM: Misquotation is a common creationist tactic. They’re all at least 20 years old. And they're taken out of context.

RANDMAN: Context? The Eater of Bandwidth knows no context! The FIVE QUOTES say what the FIVE QUOTES say! Why won’t you explain them away?

KOSH: But one of these is from Stephen Jay Gould! The man’s been a defender of evolution for years!

RANDMAN: Not in the FIVE QUOTES he isn’t!

NOTTO: Forget the quotes. Gould isn’t disproving evolution; he’s taking about Punctuated Equilibrium. Look, Gould himself said he’s been misquoted.

RANDMAN: Not in the FIVE QUOTES he doesn’t! Why can’t you explain the FIVE QUOTES?

CHORUS [In unison, dancing]: WE ARE!

RANDMAN: You guys have nothing. I have FIVE QUOTES. And some articles from websites I claim I don't agree with. Except for these articles. Which I do, except when I don’t.

PS418: Oh, some websites? Good. Point me to one you like best, and I’ll be glad to critique it.

RANDMAN [Reaching into his ass and yanking out some brown-stained printouts]: Well I like this one, and this one, and this one, and this one .and this one ... but it doesn't matter, because I'm not a YEC, and y'all still haven't refuted my FIVE QUOTES! Look! STEPHEN JAY GOULD, an EVILUTIONIST, even says evolution is wrong!

CHORUS [In unison, dancing]: No, he doesn't. And we have a library shelf full of books and articles by Gould that say otherwise.

RANDMAN: But no book on that shelf explains these FIVE QUOTES! Why won't you explain these FIVE QUOTES! The Eater of Bandwidth demands that you explain these FIVE QUOTES!

HEZEKIAHJONES: Yes, it does. Gould himself has complained about being misquoted.

RANDMAN: But I have FIVE QUOTES!

HEZEKIAHJONES: You're an idiot.

RANDMAN: Maybe, but I'm an idiot with FIVE QUOTES!

NOTTO [waving a COMPUTER PRINTOUT]: All taken out of context! Here! Look at this website! Someone on the Net has already explained them away as misrepresentations. If you’d just read it--

RANDMAN: NO! I won't read ANYTHING until you've explained these FIVE QUOTES! Do you hear me?!? EXPLAIN THEM! DO IT! DO IT! AAARRGGHH!!!!

[RANMAN effects much WAILING and GNASHING OF TEETH.]

PHLEBAS: All right, that’s it. You're obviously a nutter, and a troll. We're putting you with the rest of them, until you start making some sense.

[PHLEBAS grabs RANDMAN by the collar and begins to drag him off; in the distance, we see a small cage filled with trolls. QUEENOFSWORDS stands next to it, poking at the creatures within.]

RANDMAN: A-ha! But you haven't explained my FIVE QUOTES! Which means you can’t! Haha! I WIN! I WIN! NEENER-NEENER-NEENER! I’VE DISPROVED IT ALL! I’M A GENIUS! A GENIUUUUUSSS!

MAD KALLY [Cupping her hands and shouting as the trollus quotitatus is dragged away]: God is Santa Claus for adults!

[CUE closing credits, to the tune of THE BALLAND OF RANDMAN.]

[Apologies to anyone who feels left out; dramatic license required me to trim the number of characters somewhat. Consider yourself part of the Chorus, and practice that interpretive dancing!]

[ March 11, 2002: Message edited by: Troll Hunter ]

Queen of Swords · 03-11-2002, 06:20 AM

And the Oscar for Best Scriptwriter goes to... Troll Hunter for The Randman Incident!

Coragyps · 03-11-2002, 06:40 AM

Hot Damn! I'm CRAZY about interpretive dancing! Thankyouthankyouthankyou!!

HallaK9 · 03-11-2002, 06:42 AM

FINALLY!

I've been waiting for a chance to use these:

<img src="graemlins/notworthy.gif" border="0" alt="[Not Worthy]" /> <img src="graemlins/notworthy.gif" border="0" alt="[Not Worthy]" /> <img src="graemlins/notworthy.gif" border="0" alt="[Not Worthy]" />

Thank you Troll Hunter!

<img src="graemlins/notworthy.gif" border="0" alt="[Not Worthy]" /> <img src="graemlins/notworthy.gif" border="0" alt="[Not Worthy]" /> <img src="graemlins/notworthy.gif" border="0" alt="[Not Worthy]" />

[Edited for damage control - Antti]

[Edited for the sheer joy of it]

[ March 11, 2002: Message edited by: HallaK9 ]

[ March 11, 2002: Message edited by: HallaK9 ]

Queen of Swords · 03-11-2002, 06:50 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by HallaK9:

Thank you QoS!

It was Troll Hunter, not me. I'm practicing my own version of troll processing in RRP.

Edited to add : Maybe it's practising.

[ March 11, 2002: Message edited by: QueenofSwords ]

HallaK9 · 03-11-2002, 07:00 AM

Quote:

It was Troll Hunter, not me...

Ahem

GunnerJ · 03-11-2002, 07:47 AM

WHOO HOO! Genius! <img src="graemlins/notworthy.gif" border="0" alt="[Not Worthy]" />

Troll Hunter · 03-11-2002, 07:53 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by QueenofSwords:
And the Oscar for Best Scriptwriter goes to... Troll Hunter for The Randman Incident!

[james cameron]

I'M THE KING OF THE WORLD!!!!!!!!!

[/james cameron]

Kosh · 03-11-2002, 08:01 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Troll Hunter:
[CUE manly theme music and opening credits.]

TROLL HUNTER!!!

I want syndication royalties....

Oolon Colluphid · 03-11-2002, 08:34 AM

Troll Hunter, that was sheer genuis. <img src="graemlins/notworthy.gif" border="0" alt="[Not Worthy]" /> <img src="graemlins/notworthy.gif" border="0" alt="[Not Worthy]" />

Now for the casting... bagsy Colin Firth to play me!

Oolon

03-11-2002, 06:15 AM	#1
Troll Hunter Junior Member Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: The vast, bone-riddled pains of the E/C boards. Posts: 21	THE RANDMAN INCIDENT: A film by Peter Jackson [CUE manly theme music and opening credits.] TROLL HUNTER!!! [CUT TO: The interior of a movie lot in NEW ZEALAND. We see the remnants of a sound stage in the last stages of disassembly. GRIPS and HANDS pack up equipment, while AIDES gather scripts and props. PETER JACKSON is scampering on and off camera, shouting out last minute DIRECTIONS off-camera. In the foreground is STEVE, wearing his trademark goofy grin and a WETA DIGITAL jacket.] G’day, everyone! Wow, the last few days have sure been hectic here at the Evolution/Creation forums. There’s been a right flurry of postings and threads since the wily and loquacious trollus quotitatus arrived. For those of you without the time or tolerance to read them all, we here at the TROLL HUNTER show have put together a retrospect of events. Enjoy! [The Screen FADES TO BLACK.] MR. VOICE: A lone nutter. A lone obsession. And a band of brave men and women willing to face the monumental frustration of setting him straight. It is ... THE RANDMAN INCIDENT Staring hezekiahjones, Kosh, notto, Oolon Colluphid, phlebas, ps418, turtonm, and a Chorus of E/C forum regulars. With a special appearance by Sandra Bullock. Creature effects by Stan Winston. Screenplay by Daven Mamet. Directed by Peter Jackson. [SCENE: The lush, fossil-strewn grasslands of the E/C boards. A CHORUS of E/C regulars can be seen in the near distance, conversing. They are dressed in traditional Greek costume, as befits a Chorus of their caliber.] [In the foreground, a BOOT appears. It is purple, and large.] CHORUS [In unison, dancing]: Hey, look! Someone new. [The camera SPINS, and we catch our first glimpse of the newcomer: a large but completely unimposing figure dressed in purple and blue armor, wearing a Kirby-esque purple helmet, and a UNC basketball jersey. The armor-clad form strides towards the CHORUS. Scampering along beside him is a small man in Bermuda shorts, a silver-plated surfboard clutched under his arm.] KOSH [Approaching the newcomers with an extended hand]: Hi there-- RANDMAN [Grabbing KOSH by the shirt]: I am RANDMAN, EATER OF BANDWIDTH! I have arrived with my herald, LUVLUV, from the depths of the ZuggaZoomba Lounge. Have you ever heard of polonuim halos? KOSH: Well, I’m not sure, but maybe my friends here-- RANDMAN [Tossing KOSH aside]: You all! Have you ever heard of polonium halos? CHORUS [In unison, and performing a traditional interpretive dance as they speak]: Yes, we have. Here’s a couple of web articles, which put it to question. We think maybe even Gentry himself has corrected it. RANDMAN: But those aren’t peer-reviewed journals. Why hasn’t he been refuted in any peer-reviewed journals? CHORUS [In unison, dancing]: But if you’d just read these websites, you will see that-- RANDMAN: You evilutionists misrepresent everything. Just answer the question! Why hasn’t a good peer-reviewed journal, like Creation Ex Nihilo, shot down polonium halos? OOLON COLLUPHID: Creation Ex Nihilo? You must be joking. RANDMAN [Wheeling on OOLON, eyes wide]: No! Why would I be joking? Just because they reject any scientific thought that disagrees with mythology doesn’t make them any less legitimate. OOLON COLLUPHID: Actually, yes, it does. RANDMAN [Rolling his eyes like an 80s Valley girl]: Oh, that’s SO TYPICAL. Why do evilutioists misrepresent everything? It’s like you hide from the truth, while there are legitimate scientists out there who dare to challenge-- DAGGAH: Legitimate scientists? But AiG-- RANDMAN: --your quasi-religious dogma-- HEZEKIAHJONES: Our religious dogma? What about-- [ALL fall into a confused explosion of speaking, shouting, and citing of sources. The CHORUS forms a circle around RANDMAN, sending a biting flurry of arguments his way. RANDMAN covers his eyes, then his ears, then his mouth. Then, he reaches into his pocket.] RANDMAN: WAIT! [He throws up his hands, silencing the assembled CHORUS.] All of what you say is irrelevant! Pointless! A lie! For I have ... [He pulls a battered sheet of yellow paper from the pocket.] ... FIVE QUOTES! [There is a collective gasp from the CHORUS. It is laced with sarcasm.] RANDMAN: Yes, that’s right. You may have hoodwinked poor schoolchildren all these years, but I have here FIVE QUOTES that disprove it all! CHORUS [In unison, dancing]: Oh, please … RANDMAN: Unless you can explain away the FIVE QUOTES, I will accept your defeat graciously, and perhaps even thank you in my speech to the Nobel committee, for surely defeating such a longstanding scientific theory is worth some sort of prize. TURTONM: Misquotation is a common creationist tactic. They’re all at least 20 years old. And they're taken out of context. RANDMAN: Context? The Eater of Bandwidth knows no context! The FIVE QUOTES say what the FIVE QUOTES say! Why won’t you explain them away? KOSH: But one of these is from Stephen Jay Gould! The man’s been a defender of evolution for years! RANDMAN: Not in the FIVE QUOTES he isn’t! NOTTO: Forget the quotes. Gould isn’t disproving evolution; he’s taking about Punctuated Equilibrium. Look, Gould himself said he’s been misquoted. RANDMAN: Not in the FIVE QUOTES he doesn’t! Why can’t you explain the FIVE QUOTES? CHORUS [In unison, dancing]: WE ARE! RANDMAN: You guys have nothing. I have FIVE QUOTES. And some articles from websites I claim I don't agree with. Except for these articles. Which I do, except when I don’t. PS418: Oh, some websites? Good. Point me to one you like best, and I’ll be glad to critique it. RANDMAN [Reaching into his ass and yanking out some brown-stained printouts]: Well I like this one, and this one, and this one, and this one .and this one ... but it doesn't matter, because I'm not a YEC, and y'all still haven't refuted my FIVE QUOTES! Look! STEPHEN JAY GOULD, an EVILUTIONIST, even says evolution is wrong! CHORUS [In unison, dancing]: No, he doesn't. And we have a library shelf full of books and articles by Gould that say otherwise. RANDMAN: But no book on that shelf explains these FIVE QUOTES! Why won't you explain these FIVE QUOTES! The Eater of Bandwidth demands that you explain these FIVE QUOTES! HEZEKIAHJONES: Yes, it does. Gould himself has complained about being misquoted. RANDMAN: But I have FIVE QUOTES! HEZEKIAHJONES: You're an idiot. RANDMAN: Maybe, but I'm an idiot with FIVE QUOTES! NOTTO [waving a COMPUTER PRINTOUT]: All taken out of context! Here! Look at this website! Someone on the Net has already explained them away as misrepresentations. If you’d just read it-- RANDMAN: NO! I won't read ANYTHING until you've explained these FIVE QUOTES! Do you hear me?!? EXPLAIN THEM! DO IT! DO IT! AAARRGGHH!!!! [RANMAN effects much WAILING and GNASHING OF TEETH.] PHLEBAS: All right, that’s it. You're obviously a nutter, and a troll. We're putting you with the rest of them, until you start making some sense. [PHLEBAS grabs RANDMAN by the collar and begins to drag him off; in the distance, we see a small cage filled with trolls. QUEENOFSWORDS stands next to it, poking at the creatures within.] RANDMAN: A-ha! But you haven't explained my FIVE QUOTES! Which means you can’t! Haha! I WIN! I WIN! NEENER-NEENER-NEENER! I’VE DISPROVED IT ALL! I’M A GENIUS! A GENIUUUUUSSS! MAD KALLY [Cupping her hands and shouting as the trollus quotitatus is dragged away]: God is Santa Claus for adults! [CUE closing credits, to the tune of THE BALLAND OF RANDMAN.] [Apologies to anyone who feels left out; dramatic license required me to trim the number of characters somewhat. Consider yourself part of the Chorus, and practice that interpretive dancing!] [ March 11, 2002: Message edited by: Troll Hunter ]</p>

03-11-2002, 06:42 AM	#4
HallaK9 Regular Member Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Helsinki, Finland Posts: 191	FINALLY! I've been waiting for a chance to use these: <img src="graemlins/notworthy.gif" border="0" alt="[Not Worthy]" /> <img src="graemlins/notworthy.gif" border="0" alt="[Not Worthy]" /> <img src="graemlins/notworthy.gif" border="0" alt="[Not Worthy]" /> Thank you Troll Hunter! <img src="graemlins/notworthy.gif" border="0" alt="[Not Worthy]" /> <img src="graemlins/notworthy.gif" border="0" alt="[Not Worthy]" /> <img src="graemlins/notworthy.gif" border="0" alt="[Not Worthy]" /> [Edited for damage control - Antti] [Edited for the sheer joy of it] [ March 11, 2002: Message edited by: HallaK9 ] [ March 11, 2002: Message edited by: HallaK9 ]</p>

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03-11-2002, 06:20 AM	#2
Queen of Swords Contributor Join Date: Nov 2000 Location: Canada. Finally. Posts: 10,155	And the Oscar for Best Scriptwriter goes to... Troll Hunter for The Randman Incident!

03-11-2002, 06:40 AM	#3
Coragyps Veteran Join Date: Aug 2001 Location: Snyder,Texas,USA Posts: 4,411	Hot Damn! I'm CRAZY about interpretive dancing! Thankyouthankyouthankyou!!

03-11-2002, 07:47 AM	#7
GunnerJ Banned Join Date: Sep 2001 Location: a place where i can list whatever location i want Posts: 4,871	WHOO HOO! Genius! <img src="graemlins/notworthy.gif" border="0" alt="[Not Worthy]" />

03-11-2002, 08:34 AM	#10
Oolon Colluphid Contributor Join Date: Sep 2000 Location: Alibi: ego ipse hinc extermino Posts: 12,591	Troll Hunter, that was sheer genuis. <img src="graemlins/notworthy.gif" border="0" alt="[Not Worthy]" /> <img src="graemlins/notworthy.gif" border="0" alt="[Not Worthy]" /> Now for the casting... bagsy Colin Firth to play me! Oolon

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