Queen of Swords

Hello everyone, and welcome to the third Weekly Nutwatch! I’m your host, QueenofSwords, and I hope everyone is having as good a weekend as I am. If not, just keep reading; it’s bound to improve. Because this week’s edition of the Nutwatch takes on

<a href="http://www.bealenet.com/~ron/" target="_blank">The Church of the Lion of Judah</a>

Now this little website isn’t as fancy as the Young Earth Creation Club’s, or as detailed as the Christ the King Association’s. It has only one preacher, who wrote most of the articles (except the ones dealing with women, probably because he would have been corrupted with hellish desires had he done so). But when it comes to mindless vehemence, the Church of the Lion of Judah (what do they call themselves – Cubs?) has it all.

At first, though, I thought I might be mistaken. I clicked on “Your Deadly Perfume”, rather hoping to read about how women were going to hell through regular applications of scent. Instead, I found a sermon beginning with the description of a condition called Multiple Chemical Sensitivity. The author went so far as to ask why marijuana was forbidden to people who needed it medicinally when morphine, far more addictive, was not.

Well, I thought, scratch this one off the Nutwatch. But then I thought, why not finish the sermon first? I’m very glad I did.

<strong>Research MCS and you will immediately become convinced that only Satan could have created such a hideous affliction. </strong>

Because only Satan’s that clever, I guess. He must also have created everything from leprosy to Ebola fever, making him the most brilliant microbiologist ever to culture a strain. I’m jealous of him already – it took me weeks to create a deletion mutant of Salmonella typhimurium.

<strong>However, like everything else Satan has ever created, MCS has a supernatural cure:</strong>

Fairies. Dance with the fairies and leave little cakes on your doorstep for them.

<strong>it is only a name, and every name must bow its knee to the Name of Jesus Christ -the name above all names… </strong>

I’m sorry, what was that name again?

<strong>If you have satanic trash lying around -Ouija boards; hallowe’en junk; pet snakes or statues of snakes, idols and icons or books of foreign religions, get rid of them. </strong>

Pet birds may be sacrificed as a offering to God instead. However, books on statistics must be burned.

<strong>And do not just give them to someone else: you will be transferring the curse to that person. </strong>

Is it me or does anyone else think this sounds like voodoo?

In the sermon "God's man today", the preacher rails against female ministers of any kind, because women in olden times used to be temple prostitutes. He stresses this fact so often and in so many different ways (<strong>Women were not to dress alluringly, either to tempt men or to approach God from any aspect of sexuality</strong>) that I get the impression that women now are still paying for those heinous crimes.

But his special affection is reserved for gay people :

<strong>Romans:1:27: And likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust one toward another; men with men working that which is unseemly, and receiving in themselves that recompence of their error which was meet." The "recompence" Paul writes of here is generally understood to be what is today called "AIDS"… Such truth also reveals why no "cure" for AIDS will ever be found: God will never permit anyone to "enjoy their sin" free of the penalties of it.</strong>

The last statement is from a sermon entitled “The Truth about Christmas” of all things. The truth about Christmas is that researchers are wasting their time, since God wants innocent people to die?

<strong>The homosexual has been convinced by Satan that he or she was "born that way", which is a lie straight from the pits of hell: God has never created any living creature that is not capable of reproducing itself.</strong>

With the exception of thousands of people who are infertile, not to mention about a few billion or so bees. Oh, wait, since Satan made MCS, maybe Satan made these living creatures as well?

While I’m already getting the picture that this preacher is about two testaments short of a bible, some of his claims are just laughable.

<strong>One of the most uplifting spiritual experiences a believer can wholeheartedly enjoy is the hearing of hundreds of Christ-ian women singing "in the Spirit"… while [the sound] is flowing, the Holy Spirit will often fall upon the congregation in a cloud of glory that has been likened to being immersed in a jar of warm honey, by those fortunate enough to have experienced it.</strong>

Like Winnie-the-Pooh?

In a rant against “Shacking Up”, the preacher had me cracking up :

<strong>It does not matter if you are the most dedicated heathen atheist or agnostic who ever lived… Isaiah:49:1: Listen, O isles, unto me; and hearken, ye people, from far; The LORD hath called me from the womb; from the bowels of my mother hath he made mention of my name.</strong>

I must point this verse out to my mother and ask her what exactly her… er… lower digestive system had to do with my name.

<strong>Although it is ordinarily not thought of in such terms, "marriage" is a defense mechanism against the sin of adultery and fornication.</strong>

And it works brilliantly, since by simply being married, you are no longer capable of committing fornication. Now the only sin that you have to worry about is adultery – meaning that your possible sexual sins have been halved! Praise god!

<strong>Therefore, it is readily seen that when a man and woman decide to live together unmarried -"shacking up" for their own convenience like two brute beasts- they instantly bring upon their relationship a curse, having disobeyed God’s order of "marriage first and sex second". And should they later decide to marry… they will almost certainly be in divorce court within two years - unless they both become born-again Christians and repent of their sin, living and walking with Jesus Christ from that day forward.</strong>

Then they'll be too scared to get a divorce.

Satan, by the way, seems to be mentioned in every sermon, like an advertiser rattling off a phone number to somehow squeeze it into the time slot.

<strong>Satan has usually blinded each party so completely that they could not find Grizzly Adams’ bear in a phone booth. So, when it all hits the ground in bits and pieces, the score is Satan 2, and lovers 0.</strong>

When the Church of the Lion of Judah is keeping score, Satan always wins.

<strong>As the children grow older, his first move directly against them is to get their clothes off.</strong>

I don’t think this preacher should be considering children with their clothes off. Seriously.

<strong>Satan is very much aware that a boy or girl who has lost their virginity is a much easier mark for sin than is a virgin.</strong>

According to this preacher, loss of virginity leads to promiscuity, which leads to drug abuse, which leads to an unhappy marriage, which leads to divorce, which presumably leads to death, which leads to hell (that doesn’t lead anywhere). Ladies, keep your knees together and pray that you’re never sexually assaulted.

<strong>Then there are those who think sex is ok if you are going to be married soon anyway. Wrong! There is no difference whatsoever between having sex with someone you met 15 minutes ago -and having sex with the man or woman you will marry tomorrow. </strong>

In my opinion there is – it’s called a better orgasm. But I wouldn’t want to introduce too many new concepts to the Church of the Lion of Judah; I can see the furrowed brows and the uncomprehending faces as they repeat the strange word: “Or… gas… m?”

<strong>In either case, you have cursed your life and/or your impending marriage by committing the sin of fornication, and only your becoming born-again and sincerely repenting of all your sins is going to take away this curse. </strong>

Just in case you were wondering how in the world the Church of the Lion of Judah expects people to hook up, here it is :

<strong>When they are old enough to begin dating they will be listening for the voice of the Holy Spirit who will put God's choice of a wife or husband in front of them.

And that voice will be unmistakably clear, saying "Here is your proper mate"! </strong>

“Now get me a beer!”

Even in a raving against Communism and Socialism and Democracy – the preacher is at least egalitarian in his venting – Satan works his way into the sermon. I’m beginning to enjoy this, by the way. Every time I click on a new sermon and begin reading, I think, “Okay, Satan should be showing up any moment now. Yup, there he is!”

<strong>A staunchly Christian Black man or woman is a strong child of Almighty God indeed. They have an unshakable faith that will bear them through the worst times imaginable, and this is why Satan hates Black people with a seething passion! </strong>

You know, even Jack Chick wasn’t this bad. I think.

<strong>In his hysterical campaign to totally wipe out Black people, Satan has sent every weapon in his arsenal against them. He has successfully killed millions of them in one way or another; he has addicted millions to drugs; he has gotten tens of thousands jailed; he has brought millions of them down into despair, welfare, unemployment, and drugs with the minimum wage; NAFTA; GATT; Most Favored Nation status for Communist China -which has taken millions of jobs away from working-class America- and the myriad other acts of empty, failed Socialism. </strong>

Satan’s campaign isn’t the only hysterical thing around here, apparently.

<strong>SATAN? Oh, yes! Who do you think created organized religion and denominationalism? God certainly did not!</strong>

Well, what exactly is God doing while this guy runs around taking children’s clothes off and promoting the Ku Klux Klan?

Heck, even the Amish aren’t living up to this pastor’s standards :

<strong>Some of the most serious, devout Bible-believers in the world have been deceived into religious pride. They wear plain clothing, dresses to the floor, odd headgear, out-of-date footwear, and walk around looking like the most unhappy people on the face of the Earth. Their menfolk wear beards, odd hats, and refuse to use any modern, labor-saving devices whatsoever: the harvest from their labor is infinitesimal, compared to what their willingness to work should be producing.</strong>

I’m sure they would weep and repent, if they only had the Internet and could read this.

Wait, maybe that is a cause for joy.

<strong>How did this happen? Satan talked them into setting themselves apart by religious pride in their separation from the collective.</strong>

Does anyone else get the impression that Satan, being so powerful and definitely more hard-working, is a better deal than God?

With growing delight, I clicked on “The Christian Woman”, which contained three essays, one of which is called “The Gentle Warrior”. Intermingled with a rhapsody about Satan are a few interesting things about the distaff gender.

<strong>God-ly women are indeed a thorn in Satan’s side, having the ability of giving birth -and training up- children who will preach the Gospel of truth against him. That’s why he created the feminist movement in its present form today. </strong>

I might be a writer, but I could not make this stuff up. Seriously.

We segue into “A Woman’s Place, and while I expect “Kinder, Kuche und Kirche”, I am also learning to expect Satan hovering around, presumably delighted to be mentioned in every sermon and complimented on achieving so many good things for humankind. There we go:

<strong>The tempter since the beginning of time, Satan also enticed women to stay in the work force after their men returned from war -although there was no actual need. </strong>

Since the men returned and took up their well-paying jobs immediately, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed after their little vacations in Europe or Japan.

<strong>As the wife becomes more independent because of her earning capacity, more capable of maintaining a life separate from the home -and less feminine as she moves further and further from the role for which God created her- her husband becomes less of the traditional strong provider in her eyes.</strong>

He becomes an equal, and the marriage falls apart like an underdone souffle.

<strong>Similarly, he may also begin to feel that his role -and importance- is being diminished by her independence. </strong>

He becomes the Incredible Shrinking Man.

<strong>If he is not secure in his self-image as a man, he will feel threatened, </strong>

He will wet the bed.

<strong>and his insecurity will manifest itself in petty bickering and nit-picking, </strong>

His cry for help to a wife who no longer needs a loving allowance doled out to her.

<strong>which will lead inevitably to arguments and dissension -which instantly begin to affect the children. </strong>

Won’t someone please think of the children?

Oddly enough, when I clicked on “Aunt Tilly”, waiting to read about how the aunt was a Satanic lesbian Communist before she became a borg-again, I mean born-again, member of the Church of the Lion of Judah, I found a list of “proverbs”, half of which could have come from the Reader’s Digest. The other half would have been rejected thanks to their vagueness. Can anyone explain

<strong>Uh oh!
Keep telling him you think he's looking for another woman. He'll get the message, sooner or later!</strong>

I’m really puzzled by this one.

<strong>How-to
Dampen your broom before sweeping, and those dust bunnies will cling tight until you rinse the broom!</strong>

Maybe Satan invented the vaccuum cleaner.

<strong>Attention, all cooks!
Kissing won't last, but cooking will!</strong>

Why? Does the meal go into a liquid nitrogen chamber?

Didn’t I mention that Satan was in every sermon? Aunt Tilly’s is no exception :

<strong>Grandpa and Grandma celebrated their Golden Anniversary together, their Silver hair proving they never gave the devil any Quarter.</strong>

Although Satan must be peeved that he wasn’t mentioned by name and credited with the invention of that hellish device called the wheel.

Of course, as well as being an integral and valued part of each sermon, Satan gets his own sermon (“CLJ – All-Satan, All the Time!&#8221) called “Devils and Demons”. Interestingly, a synonym for “demons” is said to be “demi-gods”, which really elevates demons far above the madding crowd, so to speak. Many people are said to also serve Satan without realizing it – but then, since he offers better benefits, who can blame them?

<strong>Stop honoring Satan in your words, your home, and in your life in general. Every time you speak his name -when you are not condemning him as a low, foul demon- you are actually praising him; if you praise and worship him enough he will send one of his demons to live with you! </strong>

If you continue to praise and worship him, the demon will pay rent!

<strong>Do you eat devils food cake, or deviled eggs? </strong>

Just for this, I want to start eating Granny Satan apples and Little Devil snack cakes.

<strong>Do you make or buy "angel food cake", or buy toilet tissue named in honor of the supposed softness of angels - one of the most offensive names ever applied to any product? Guess who inspired the name for that product? </strong>

Satan, the advertising executive’s friend.

<strong>Do you allow your children to study violence with martial arts lessons? Tae Kwan Do, KaraTe, Judo, Jui Jitsu and other forms of physical violence teach the individual to defend and protect himself -instead of depending upon God for protection.</strong>

I guess Satan inspired those as well. He does everything except dance on the roofs of Christians. Oh, wait…

In summary, the preacher of the Church of the Lion of Judah tries to out-Chick Chick and actually succeeds. The obsession with Satan is probably what holds the tiny congregation together, sheltering their thought processes from everything but the preacher, but the website of the Church of the Lion of Judah just met the Nutwatch of the lion of the SecWeb. And even Satan, their bestest buddy besides god, couldn’t do a thing to help them.

Till next week, everyone!

QueenofSwords

[ July 28, 2002: Message edited by: QueenofSwords ]</p>

Thanatoast

At least they don't mind if you have a wank.
see The "Sin" of Onan

missus_gumby

I love The Weekly Nutwatch!

<img src="graemlins/notworthy.gif" border="0" alt="[Not Worthy]" />

At least the Church of the Lion of Judah doesn't have too much of a problem with <a href="http://www.bealenet.com/~ron/onan.htm" target="_blank">masturbation</a>. I can't think why.

Martin

Bubba

Utterly scary people out there...

Bubba <img src="graemlins/banghead.gif" border="0" alt="[Bang Head]" />

cydonia

i read the weelky nutwatch every week!

bonduca

Thereby proving the demon is superior to my ex?

Queen of Swords, you rock! I love this show even better than "Nova."

Egoinos

This guy does though - <a href="http://www21.brinkster.com/luciliuswitz/contraception.html" target="_blank">see here</a>

--Egoinos--

SharonDee

Oh, my... *wiping away tears of laughter*... another hilarious installment from our Queen.

BWA-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Hedwig

Excellent job, QoS! That was hilarious!

freemonkey

Uh oh, except for the Ouija board, I'm in big trouble. Does he say anything about black cats?