brighid

I can’t imagine throwing away 16 years of marriage because my husband spent one night away when we were fighting like cats and dogs. Sometimes, if things get unreasonably emotional we both need a break so we don’t do or say something that will do any lasting damage. It has never been overnight, but I go to another room and he takes a run around the neighborhood to blow off steam (or something like that.) Although, when I do piss him off he has this habit of getting household chores done

I hope you are able to get good legal advice.

Do you think seeking personal counseling with Pastor K would be emotionally beneficial for you at this point? He may be able to help you, or even direct you to appropriate services to help you through this incredibly difficult time. I hate to say this, but things could get much worse before they get better.

I would also set some pretty clear guidelines with her right now about your contact with the children. Perhaps you can be there when she is at work, and you can have them overnight from Friday to Saturday and she can take them to Church on Sunday. Do this via email so you can have a written agreement that will have some weight in court, if it actually has to come to that.

I recently read about a program where the courts have an established pick up venue that allows parents to drop-off and pick-up children without actually having to see one another. This has done wonders for familial tensions. I would suggest doing something similar if you can establish a routine with either a family member or friend who would be willing to be the intermediary for an extended period of time. Believe me, having to endure those extremely tense moments between myself and my son’s father … especially his accusations about anything from socks that weren’t white enough (literally) or a scrape on his knee … you want to do everything in your power to eliminate or minimize those moments that rack havoc on your nerves and your children’s.

I am not sure there is anything you can do now, but wait it out. Get thee to a lawyer and do whatever it takes to maintain a modicum of peace and calm within your mental and emotional horizons. Focus your attention on your children. Love them even more then you usually would, and do your best to be understanding when their young minds just aren’t able to understand what is going on.

My parents divorced when I was about 21. It was REALLY difficult then and I could understand. Do not use your children to find out information about their mother. Do not say anything bad about her (even if she deserves it.) Tell them the truth, inform them of what is going on in age appropriate ways, and let them scream at you, cry, be fearful, etc. They are going to be, but if you cannot salvage your marriage you can do a lot to preserve and strengthen your relationship with your beautiful children. They are going to need lots of hugs, kisses, understanding and patience. They can be the foundation that keeps you anchored in sanity, and they can be the vehicle that motivates you to be strong, yet compassionate in divorce.


Brighid

Disclaimer: these are ONLY my opinions, based on my relevant personal experiences with the Family Court system, divorce, etc. Take what you like, discard what you don’t.

Hobbs

I would think they would be under more stress if you don't go home. They are under stress anyway; don't make it worse for them than your wife is already making it. Let your wife throw a fit in front of them (she probably will anyway even if you don't go home), try to stay calm, tell your kids you love them and show them you do. You don't have to talk with her or be in the same room with her. Sleep on the sofa. But sleep at home. If you are not the one who wants a divorce, then don't move out. Let her move out if she wants to. Please don't leave the kids with her. If she wants to go through with divorce, are you planning to try to get custody of the kids? I hope so, and if so I hope you let your wife know that you will not abandon them and you will not let her take them away from you without a fight. If you don't go home, I suspect that will come close to ruining any chance you would have of keeping custody of the kids.

That is why I think you should go home, and tell her where you were, explain that you just needed a break, but if anyone is going to leave then it will have to be her. Don't let her succeed in playing that role or in shifting the blame to you.



Or, do you want a divorce? If so, then don't go home. But please do look out for your children as best you can.

Treacle Worshipper

Vicar Phiilip,
I am so sorry about what's happened. I've been following this thread from the beginning, and I have been more than impressed by the way you've handled the situations you've found yourself in. I don't know what else to say.
TW

Terracotta

I tend to agree.

HelenM

Whether you return home or not, I hope you can find a way to have time with your children, being with the younger ones and explaining to the older ones that you never wanted things to come to the point where you had to be apart from them.

It makes sense to me what someone else said - that if you stay away, she may have a stronger case against you than if you don't. Also, I would think your children are going to be stressed by your absence, so staying away won't necessarily be of much comfort to them. They might feel abandoned by you; they might have questions for you; they might be being told stuff that's not true, by your wife, in your absence. If she's angry then even if she's not deliberately trying to set them against you, she might be saying unfair things in her anger like "See - he doesn't care - else he would have come home!"

Nevertheless, you have to do what you think is best.

Given how things are at present, I would think it's advisable to ask a lawyer as soon as possible how your actions such as staying away or going home will affect your future custody prospects, should the outcome be divorce.

Helen

Vicar Philip

I have e-mailed her that I was going to come home tonight after work, and this is what I got:She has no legal basis to keep me out of my own home. If she wants to play dirty, I will do so. I think she's off her rocker.

Vicar

southernhybrid

Darren, None of us can give you proper legal advice. If you haven't done it already, pick up the phone and call an attorney so you'll know how to handle these recent developments. If you're too upset, get a family member to make the appt. for you. I kind of doubt that it matters whether or not you go home right now, but an attorney is the only one who can give you the correct advice concerning your options.

I would suggest that you call the children and explain to them that you and mommy are not able to live together right now and need some time apart. Tell them it's not their fault and whatever happens you'll be a part of their lives and you love them. I know it's hard.

Maverick

Vicar,

I hope you are keeping a copy of all the emails (sent and received). She is not helping her case at all with her emails.

You have every right to enter your home and see your kids. She seems to think you have abdicated this right.

You really need the advice of a good lawyer. Hopefully you can talk to one soon.

Hang in there!

Scott

BadBadBad

It takes two to fight. With one, it's just a screaming lunatic. This is a control issue. Are you in control, or is she, the spoiled brat child in control? If you come home, I think it's going to be pretty hard for her to pick up and move out with or without the kids. That will take a lot of hard guts, which she doesn't have. Five year olds don't really run away from home. Once mommy calls their bluff, they're forced to grow up a little.

I think you might re-read some of the other posts about the kids perspective in this. With your kids, you have to look at the long term picture. You're going to be portrayed as the bad guy by your wife. She's probably going to tag you with Satan to make it really convincing. It'll look something like "here we were, loving family with God, and daddy left us both." If you are the one to leave, that will be pretty convincing. If she is the one to leave, she will always be the bad guy. I'd make her file for divorce. I'd make her force me out kicking and screaming.

The reality is that if you just come home, and you ignore her and don't answer to her, what is she going to do? You're a big boy. You don't have to sit in the car listening to a bunch of shit. You don't have to come home when you know she's going to be an asshole.

I just read your last post. Stop EMAILING! Better to just say nothing and just do what you want. Who gives a shit what she wants. Go home. Don't give her the dignity of a fight. When it comes time for bed, go ahead, it's your bed, sleep in it. Let her sleep on the couch. She thinks she's in control. Show her what little control she has.

SharonDee

Is your name on the house? Then go home. Her wishes don't trump yours unless the house is hers and hers alone. If you can go home without playing that card, so much the better. But if divorce is in your future, legalities will become involved sooner or later. You might as well be ready to handle it sooner.

Just my 2¢... feel free to ignore it.