Freethought & Rationalism Archive

Novowels · 08-14-2003, 10:08 AM

So there I was, minding my own business. I am at work. I'm working, a thing that apparently causes the fates to hate me and wish upon me horror and pain. I'm sweeping the floor. My glasses start slipping down the bridge of my nose. I take a moment to reach up and adjust my glasses.

This, as everyone besides myself and George the Wonder Chimp knows, is a Big Mistake.

Novo's glasses: *snap*

Novo: "Shitfucking cockfire!"

This outburst causes the Church of Christ pastor working on the print machine nearby to look at me in astonishment. Or, I don't know, maybe brimstone-filled fury. I can never really tell with him. I move carefully away from him toward a quiet corner. Everything is a swath of blurry colors that sort-of resemble my place of employment. I can no longer see my co-worker, and feel safer since I know that means he cannot see me.

My glasses, now in 2 separate pieces mockingly sits in my hand, where I can almost barely see them. "Now," I state sternly at my only hope for navigating the dangerous arena of my employment safely, "I'm going to put you back together and you're going to stay back together because if you don't I'm fucked."

This sounded like entirely too much logic to not work. Only the most inconsiderate piece of shit would not listen to my sad plea. It's not like I'm talking to the kitten-eating machine of cherry-malfunctioning horror that sodomizes Oxidizing Material on a semi-regular basis. These are the mystical pieces of metal and plastic that have been imbued with the essence of sight by the great eye-mage Optometristo.

But of course, in a fit of pique reminiscent of the Pope at a gay-pride parade full of pro-choice pagan stem-cell researchers, the little bastards just made a "clink" noise and promptly did not work, yet again. And then they put on a stupid hat.

"You whorefarming little retrospect sheepfucker." I snarl, begining to feel the rage build within my small frame. Not wanting to turn into some hulking pastel-hue-skinned monster and levelling the city again, I beat my rage back with the quick thought of "how long has it been since I've actually had a date?" My rage safely subdued by a nigh-debilitating feeling of destrado I turn back to my earnest plea with my glasses.

"You are going to work."

There, see, I said it. Plain. Simple. 'I do not like the outcome of what will happen if it does not work, ergo this statement must be true' I think, with all the logic and hope of a Christian Apologist, and with about the same outcome. I push the two pieces together. I don't know what I was expecting really, a flash or a fanfare of some sort, then I would raise my fist triumphantly with a bright light behind me and declare to the world that I am "full of vigor and am at 100% power!" whilst the two pieces rejoined into one.

This did not happen.

At this point, I begin to get worried. I have to drive a little go-kart tractor thing around the warehouse to check the mailrooms and break areas in a couple hours. As fun as those things are to drive into walls with all senses working, I can only imagine what it would be like without the primary sense I need for the difficult task of not pinning people in between the kart and the wall while crashing into said walls.

Obviously these glasses need mended. But unfortunately for me, I was the one that went through the mending... of horror.

Well, long story short, I made it through the day, although for quite a bit of it I was doing a horrible impersonation of a stereotypical brit w/monocle in order to stave off my coworkers from waving at me furiously from two feet away and calling my name loudly.

Coworker: HEY WILLIAM! DO YOU SEE ME?!?!
Novo: Yes, I see you Scott.
Novo's internal monologue: I am not deaf you fuck, I just broke my glasses. I did not break my hearing aid, because, in fact, I do not have a hearing aid. Also, I hope you die in horrible pain, but only after I get new glasses so I can watch the aforementioned horrible painful death.
Coworker: OH HAHA! HOW DID YOU KNOW IT WAS ME?!?!
Novo: .....
Novo's internal monologue: ...........YOU COWRAPING ASS SPELUNKER.

I'm not even going to get into the wonders of superglue, or the wonders of superglue + leg(skin x hair) - superglue.

Which, btw, = PAIN.

I now have the choice of:

.)wearing my glasses from 1993, which are 2" diamater coke-bottle frames from Nerd Hell that weigh about 3 tons and make me feel like a fucking giant insect OR

.)my glasses that are now rigged, but as a result are bendy and easily broken, connected with a flimsy bridge of superglue that shatters into nothingness when I breathe, and sometimes when I am not actively breathing, but instead thinking about breathing. Added bonus: the lenses are now smudged with impossible-to-remove superglue and also with thickly concentrated spiteful fury.

I got at most 4hrs of sleep last night so I could get up today and make an appointment for an eye exam. I would have just overnighted some specs from an online source but since I can't find my prescription anywhere and I actually haven't been to an eye doctor in like 3 years anyways, I figured I might as well take this as some kind of sign.

Apparently the sign is, "FUCK YOU" or else "NUKE THE GAY BABY WHALES FOR JESUS" because the earliest I can get an eye exam in this town is NEXT FUCKING WEDNESDAY, which isn't so bad really since I don't have enough money for glasses right now and I don't get paid until next Friday anyways. So, next week should be interesting. If by "interesting" I mean "shitty."

I fucking hate eyes! Next person that tells me eyes are "proof of intelligent design" I'm going to kill them and bury them in a shallow grave full of raw pig meat.

Assuming I can see them.

Graeme · 08-14-2003, 10:15 AM

:notworthy

Mister Impossible · 08-14-2003, 10:15 AM

Glasses can be something of a trial, can't they?

Novowels · 08-14-2003, 10:29 AM

In a Salem, Massachusets circa 1700 sense, yes.

MzNeko · 08-14-2003, 10:30 AM

:notworthy

It's a pity I'm married, 'cause I think I'm in love...

Chicken Girl · 08-14-2003, 10:45 AM

I'm glad I got contacts.

MzNeko · 08-14-2003, 10:52 AM

Mine broke just like that once - in the middle of a rather important-to-my-grade algebra test.

Since I'm so bloody nearsighted that I need them even to read, much less navigate a room, it was Not a Good Thing.

Novowels · 08-14-2003, 10:54 AM

I HAD CONTACTS FOR MANY MANY YEARS.

This is actually why my backup glasses have lenses that could double for the HUBBLE SPACE TELESCOPE in both size, weight, and functionality.

I'll probably get contacts at the exam on Wed since they are cheaper and then just buy glasses online later when I'm swimming in money like Scrooge McDuck.

Corona688 · 08-14-2003, 11:03 AM

Never had a problem with my glasses, other than them continually getting dirty.

lisarea · 08-14-2003, 11:45 AM

I hate to have to be the one to tell you this, but I guess everyone else is faking like they're all 'cool' or something.

You have to tape up the bridge where you mended it. This will provide additional reinforcement, and will also serve to keep the pointy parts of the superglue off your nose. Plus, you will look like some kind of cartoon scientist.

Wear those, and keep your old glasses with you, just in case you need them.

I was just looking for glasses for my son, and this place has the best price and selection of what I've seen thus far:

http://www.eyeglass.com

Lenses start at $36, and they have some really cheap frames, too. Like, fifteen-twenty bucks.

PS: You are cute when you're mad.

08-14-2003, 10:08 AM	#1
Novowels Veteran Member Join Date: Jul 2002 Location: Sydney Posts: 1,658	glasses rant... ARGH So there I was, minding my own business. I am at work. I'm working, a thing that apparently causes the fates to hate me and wish upon me horror and pain. I'm sweeping the floor. My glasses start slipping down the bridge of my nose. I take a moment to reach up and adjust my glasses. This, as everyone besides myself and George the Wonder Chimp knows, is a Big Mistake. Novo's glasses: snap Novo: "Shitfucking cockfire!" This outburst causes the Church of Christ pastor working on the print machine nearby to look at me in astonishment. Or, I don't know, maybe brimstone-filled fury. I can never really tell with him. I move carefully away from him toward a quiet corner. Everything is a swath of blurry colors that sort-of resemble my place of employment. I can no longer see my co-worker, and feel safer since I know that means he cannot see me. My glasses, now in 2 separate pieces mockingly sits in my hand, where I can almost barely see them. "Now," I state sternly at my only hope for navigating the dangerous arena of my employment safely, "I'm going to put you back together and you're going to stay back together because if you don't I'm fucked." This sounded like entirely too much logic to not work. Only the most inconsiderate piece of shit would not listen to my sad plea. It's not like I'm talking to the kitten-eating machine of cherry-malfunctioning horror that sodomizes Oxidizing Material on a semi-regular basis. These are the mystical pieces of metal and plastic that have been imbued with the essence of sight by the great eye-mage Optometristo. But of course, in a fit of pique reminiscent of the Pope at a gay-pride parade full of pro-choice pagan stem-cell researchers, the little bastards just made a "clink" noise and promptly did not work, yet again. And then they put on a stupid hat. "You whorefarming little retrospect sheepfucker." I snarl, begining to feel the rage build within my small frame. Not wanting to turn into some hulking pastel-hue-skinned monster and levelling the city again, I beat my rage back with the quick thought of "how long has it been since I've actually had a date?" My rage safely subdued by a nigh-debilitating feeling of destrado I turn back to my earnest plea with my glasses. "You are going to work." There, see, I said it. Plain. Simple. 'I do not like the outcome of what will happen if it does not work, ergo this statement must be true' I think, with all the logic and hope of a Christian Apologist, and with about the same outcome. I push the two pieces together. I don't know what I was expecting really, a flash or a fanfare of some sort, then I would raise my fist triumphantly with a bright light behind me and declare to the world that I am "full of vigor and am at 100% power!" whilst the two pieces rejoined into one. This did not happen. At this point, I begin to get worried. I have to drive a little go-kart tractor thing around the warehouse to check the mailrooms and break areas in a couple hours. As fun as those things are to drive into walls with all senses working, I can only imagine what it would be like without the primary sense I need for the difficult task of not pinning people in between the kart and the wall while crashing into said walls. Obviously these glasses need mended. But unfortunately for me, I was the one that went through the mending... of horror. Well, long story short, I made it through the day, although for quite a bit of it I was doing a horrible impersonation of a stereotypical brit w/monocle in order to stave off my coworkers from waving at me furiously from two feet away and calling my name loudly. Coworker: HEY WILLIAM! DO YOU SEE ME?!?! Novo: Yes, I see you Scott. Novo's internal monologue: I am not deaf you fuck, I just broke my glasses. I did not break my hearing aid, because, in fact, I do not have a hearing aid. Also, I hope you die in horrible pain, but only after I get new glasses so I can watch the aforementioned horrible painful death. Coworker: OH HAHA! HOW DID YOU KNOW IT WAS ME?!?! Novo: ..... Novo's internal monologue: ...........YOU COWRAPING ASS SPELUNKER. I'm not even going to get into the wonders of superglue, or the wonders of superglue + leg(skin x hair) - superglue. Which, btw, = PAIN. I now have the choice of: .)wearing my glasses from 1993, which are 2" diamater coke-bottle frames from Nerd Hell that weigh about 3 tons and make me feel like a fucking giant insect OR .)my glasses that are now rigged, but as a result are bendy and easily broken, connected with a flimsy bridge of superglue that shatters into nothingness when I breathe, and sometimes when I am not actively breathing, but instead thinking about breathing. Added bonus: the lenses are now smudged with impossible-to-remove superglue and also with thickly concentrated spiteful fury. I got at most 4hrs of sleep last night so I could get up today and make an appointment for an eye exam. I would have just overnighted some specs from an online source but since I can't find my prescription anywhere and I actually haven't been to an eye doctor in like 3 years anyways, I figured I might as well take this as some kind of sign. Apparently the sign is, "FUCK YOU" or else "NUKE THE GAY BABY WHALES FOR JESUS" because the earliest I can get an eye exam in this town is NEXT FUCKING WEDNESDAY, which isn't so bad really since I don't have enough money for glasses right now and I don't get paid until next Friday anyways. So, next week should be interesting. If by "interesting" I mean "shitty." I fucking hate eyes! Next person that tells me eyes are "proof of intelligent design" I'm going to kill them and bury them in a shallow grave full of raw pig meat. Assuming I can see them.

08-14-2003, 10:15 AM	#2
Graeme Banned Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Vancouver, BC, Canada Posts: 5,447	:notworthy :notworthy

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08-14-2003, 10:15 AM	#3
Mister Impossible Regular Member Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: UK Posts: 298	Glasses can be something of a trial, can't they?

08-14-2003, 10:29 AM	#4
Novowels Veteran Member Join Date: Jul 2002 Location: Sydney Posts: 1,658	In a Salem, Massachusets circa 1700 sense, yes.

08-14-2003, 10:30 AM	#5
MzNeko Veteran Member Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Long Beach, California Posts: 1,127	:notworthy It's a pity I'm married, 'cause I think I'm in love...

08-14-2003, 10:45 AM	#6
Chicken Girl Veteran Member Join Date: Jul 2002 Location: nowhere Posts: 6,549	I'm glad I got contacts.

08-14-2003, 10:52 AM	#7
MzNeko Veteran Member Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Long Beach, California Posts: 1,127	Mine broke just like that once - in the middle of a rather important-to-my-grade algebra test. Since I'm so bloody nearsighted that I need them even to read, much less navigate a room, it was Not a Good Thing.

08-14-2003, 10:54 AM	#8
Novowels Veteran Member Join Date: Jul 2002 Location: Sydney Posts: 1,658	I HAD CONTACTS FOR MANY MANY YEARS. This is actually why my backup glasses have lenses that could double for the HUBBLE SPACE TELESCOPE in both size, weight, and functionality. I'll probably get contacts at the exam on Wed since they are cheaper and then just buy glasses online later when I'm swimming in money like Scrooge McDuck.

08-14-2003, 11:03 AM	#9
Corona688 Veteran Member Join Date: Feb 2001 Location: Hiding from Julian ;) Posts: 5,368	Never had a problem with my glasses, other than them continually getting dirty.

08-14-2003, 11:45 AM	#10
lisarea Veteran Member Join Date: Sep 2002 Location: Broomfield, Colorado, USA Posts: 5,550	I hate to have to be the one to tell you this, but I guess everyone else is faking like they're all 'cool' or something. You have to tape up the bridge where you mended it. This will provide additional reinforcement, and will also serve to keep the pointy parts of the superglue off your nose. Plus, you will look like some kind of cartoon scientist. Wear those, and keep your old glasses with you, just in case you need them. I was just looking for glasses for my son, and this place has the best price and selection of what I've seen thus far: http://www.eyeglass.com Lenses start at $36, and they have some really cheap frames, too. Like, fifteen-twenty bucks. PS: You are cute when you're mad.

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