HelenM

Hi Darren,

OUCH!

Well, if she was upset because she thinks you don't love her, she evidently does care a lot about the relationship after all. I know, I know...anger and tears and accusation are not the best way to show it!

The 80 hour weeks sound horrendous. Especially for someone prone to depression already! Of course you're right that those hours make it hard for the two of you to be together and also she must be exhausted all the time, with those long days and four children (I know you help a lot with the children but I'm sure they want her attention too when she's around and they're awake) Maybe in a better moment for her you can explain you are concerned the long work week is putting a strain on her that isn't good for her or the family...if you think you have a hope of her listening and not saying "No, it's your atheism! Everything is because of your atheism!" *sigh*

Anyway, if she has a history of clinically diagnosable depression I hope she's open to medical treatment and counseling, which would be the usual treatment method. Maybe that's a way you could get her into counseling if she isn't already. Sorry, I forgot whether you said she's receiving professional treatment for depression or not.

take care
Helen

southernhybrid

I'm so sorry to hear about this latest development. It must be so frustrating for you. Until your wife starts to come to terms with her own behavior and accept some of the responsibility for your marital problems, I don't know what you could possibly do to make things better if your reassurance to her has not helped.

The 80 hour work week is such a bad idea. Do you guys still plan to seek counseling? It sounds like your wife needs help for herself, regardless of your marital situation. It sounds like she has an awful lot of issues that need to be worked through.

Starspun

Doesn't this seem a bit immature to you Darren? All the bickering and bantering has lead to nowhere and has solved absolutely nothing.

I think you should step up and lay this whole thing to rest. If she doesn't respect your core beliefs, then you need to do what she has been threatening: leave.

She obviously has no respect for you. She obviously could give a rats ass about what you believe. Who needs that shit man? You have one life and for the past few months you have been relegated to....nothing, in her eyes. You see this, your children see this...do something.

For lack of a better term, step up and be a man.

captainpabst

I apologize for my last post - it was a bit 'raw'. What I meant was that it might be a good idea to offer the olive branch, y'know? Try to get her to let go of the machine gun and exit the bunker. Heh. She does sound like she's being unreasonable (something that's not too rare in women, IME), but sensitivity and cutsie acts of affection can sometimes help out. Maybe you could paraphrase some Song of Solomon:

show me your face,
let me hear your voice;
for your voice is sweet,
and your face is lovely.

How beautiful you are, my darling!
Oh, how beautiful!
Your eyes behind your veil are doves.
Your lips are like a scarlet ribbon.

You have stolen my heart, my bride;
How delightful is your love;
How much more pleasing is your love than wine,
and the fragrance of your perfume than any spice.

Maybe I'm just an idiot and this is a bad idea. Heh. Well, it couldn't hurt to flatter her - try to pry her out of her combative mode. Ok I'll shut up now.

[ December 22, 2002: Message edited by: captainpabst ]</p>

Vicar Philip

We went to church today to watch my oldest son portray a "king" arriving at cute little ol' Jebus' birth stall. I hid my contempt for the whole thing, and even hummed along with the tired old carols.

My wife and I haven't spoken since last night. Captainpabst, I am tired of being the only one extending the goddamn olive branch. It's cracked and broken, and about to snap in two.

We have had some good physical relations, alluding to your earlier post, but it always comes back to "how sad" she is that I no longer believe.

With the immature bullshit that went on last night, I am ready to fucking leave. If I didn't have four good reasons not to, I would.

Now where did I put that rum, eh??

Vicar

seebs

It really sounds like your wife is depressed, and one of the things depressed people sometimes do is pick something to blame it on. My wife used to do that until we got the hang of saying "hang on, I think you're depressed; let's talk about this later". This sounds like a perfect storm; long work weeks, depression, holiday season (which *is* depressing for most people, like it or not) *and* a sudden conflict with spouse. It's easier to blame the spouse than the work weeks, the holidays, or anything else... So you get the blame. Suck!

LordSnooty

I'd agree with those that suggested your wife may be suffering from mental illness. Based purely upon what you've said, I'd be very concerned.

Frankly, if someone is working 80 hours a week it seems almost inevitable that they'd end up with serious problems. I'd stop her working those hours at all costs.

Cheers,

Paul

Vicar Philip

After she got home from work last night, we actually made up.

We talked about this insane schedule she's keeping, and she agreed that it was the time spent apart, NOT my damn lack of belief, that was getting between us. She's going to stay with the day time job for a couple more months then quit. Amen.

She is still concerned about my atheism, and wants me to meet with our former pastor. She implored me to not talk to him like I have her, and I told her I won't unless I get some answer along the lines of "the bible is true because gawd said it was." That's not an answer.

So, with the white flags unfurled and flapping in the wind, I'm giving all you infidels (& Helen) a hearty handshake, slap on the back, and a Merry Winter Solstice indeed!!

(puts away well-worn rosary and extinguishes incense burner)

Vicar

HelenM

Thanks, VP!

I'm so glad you made up and she was able to see your point, to some extent. I think you must be a very patient man...

Anyway keep us posted and Happy Holidays - or whatever - to you too!

Helen

Sabine Grant

Hello Darren! Following your thread it seems that the boh of you are going past the growing pains in each crisis. It is a sign that your relationship is evolving in a healthier way than it seems. You argue then you make up somehow. Things are changing and compromises are then possible.
You are both communicating no matter how difficult the communication may be. I have hope that your marriage is going to be an OK. Always look to the next sunrise in your moments of discouragement.