Puck

No Children.

He's just been coming up with unreasonable ideas that include/affect her, willy-nilly.

Their situation is difficult on them both, no doubt. Her health problems are frightenly painful and dangerous. She can't take cold weather. She hasn't even broched the subject that she is most likely going to have to stay back home for the worst of winter (he sould automatically know this, that he doesn't seem to have thought about it is another sign that he's out of touch). She'll *have* to have a car while here at least, their home here is waaaay out in the country.

Meantime, she is stuck out in the boonies up north in a tiny travel trailer. He either has to take off work, or she rents a car to go into the city to see Dr.'s. This is a nice enough guy, but his quirks have grown in size under duress, I suppose. He seems to be spending his time thinking up ways not to spend money. More to the point, to keep her from spending any. I mean, a damn wicker basket? It's not like the woman wants to buy designer clothes. She can spend a $1 at the dollar store and he makes snide remarks?

I was just hoping there was some guidance in the bible as to what a women does if her husband goes wonky and can't/won't make safe decisions for her. I know she'd feel better about the upcoming problems if she had some basis in her religion. He won't deny bible quotes and she'd feel better about her decisions.

HelenM

Puck if they are attending church, why doesn't she see if the pastor will help her reason with her husband?

And also, what about a doctor's note that says she needs a car for health reasons?

I still think "husbands love your wives" is worth a try. Here's the passage:

Ephesians 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church-- 30 for we are members of his body. 31 "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." 32 This is a profound mystery--but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

If he truly loves her he will not want to jeopardize her health.

Helen

p.s. <a href="http://www.biblegateway.com/cgi-bin/bible?passage=1+sam+25&NLT_version=yes&language=en glish&x=12&y=11" target="_blank">1 Samuel 25</a> is about a woman who took matters into her own hands when her husband was being an idiot . I'm not sure your friend would consider it applicable enough to her own situation, though.

[ November 07, 2002: Message edited by: HelenM ]</p>

Jagged

Here are three "secular" titles.

How to Be an Assertive (Not Aggressive Woman in Life, in Love, and on the Job: The Total Guide to Self-Assertiveness)
by Jean Baer

Your Perfect Right: Assertiveness and Equality in Your Life and Relationships (Eighth Edition)
by Robert E. Alberti, Michael L. Emmons

Getting Them To See It Your Way: Dealing With Difficult And Challenging People
by Judith Segal, Judith Segal PhD

[ November 07, 2002: Message edited by: Jagged Little Pill ]</p>

Puck

Thanks again, ya'll. I spoke with her again, and although this is wrenching for her, she knows she is going to have to sit him down and talk to him.

He's spent about $4000 in play-pretties, crouched as needs! A computer and perefials (sp?), for bills. Come on, if you really wanted to be frugal, you could use pen and paper. He does spend about 1 1/2 hours each morning playing on it... Almost $400 for a bicycle 'for work', that sits in the yard now. Yuppers, he's gone wonky on us.

Jagged

Sounds pretty serious. Or like it could get that way.

Mageth

HelenM posted:

I'd have her talk to someone she trusts at church about it. Probably a man; probably a leader there; hopefully someone who knows her husband and could have a word with him and he'd respect what this other person says.

A bit of an aside, but speaking from my experience, in a lot of churches, a man counseling a woman one-on-one (esp. a potentially vulnerable one) is a no-no.

Puck

Well, I don't know the out come yet, but she talked to him last night about at least one serious issue.

They don't go to a church up there. They were burned pretty bad by a fundy church down here and they are very skittish about churches now. They study their bibles, and tithe via a couple of those nutso places that send tapes and readings to them. Listen to christian radio talk shows.

Yes, it's already gotten serious, and she's about decided she needs to spend the winter here and fly in to see him every now and then. That's what most wives she has met do that are traveling for work like they are.

Here's hoping that things will level out for them both. Thanks for the 1Sam25 suggestion Helen. I don't know if it would help her much, but yes, the woman did take charge when her husband wasn't doing what she felt he should do. Of course, refusing extortion is the correct thing to do, but it does mean you and yours can get killed, so she can't be blamed for trying to stay alive. In the long run, it seems it worked for her. But, from the way it reads to me, it can be okay to defy your husband, and you will be rewarded, while he dies. Then you can marry the extortionist and live happily ever after.

Weird.

Jagged

Is she taking steps to protect herself financially? Her own bank account?

sighhswolf

I can give you some personal experience.
When I decided that I could no longer endure the
empty promises of religion, I faced that alone.
My ex-wife being a 4th generation Mormon, ignored anything that I tried to get her to understand.
And when the ties were eventually broken beyond repair she refused to face up to any responsibility at all for her role in the crash and burn of a 25 year marriage.
And the main cause of the death of that 25 year relationship was her devotion to the church above all else.
She took the doctrines literally and they had serious conquences on the relationship and totally destroyed many of the fundamental aspects of marriage.
(in my view, not hers)
She could not then and never did understand "what happened" even though there had been a brother and sister relationship for a very long time.
She considered herself totally victimized with
no acceptance of her role in the breakup.
I find this to be the case in many relationships that are influenced by the doctrines of christianity/organized religion being taken to extremes.
I worked with Mormons who were invloved with marriage breakups and divorce for a while and this same sequence of events was played out time and time again.

I dont know what is best, I dont think anyone does.
I am quite aware however that issues dealing with
the faith vs. non-faith at odds within the boundries of marriage is an eventual timebomb
waiting to go off.
And the worst part was the taking of sides by the church and it's members against the non-believer, even though they had no idea what lead up to this point of the destruction of the relationship.
For what it's worth.
Wolf

HelenM

Good point - but I wasn't really suggesting any prolonged private encounter - only that she ask whether a man from there will talk to her husband about her needs. There are things a church can do to safeguard against risk, if they have a concern. I think they'd do that rather than a man from the church refusing even to talk to her just because she's a woman...

Helen