Evil Milkman

I agree with Infinity Lover. If she is willing, maybe after a while she could agree to disagree and still be ok with it. After all, it seems that you really love her, and that's all that should ultimately matter. I believe she'll realize that if you keep holding your head high, Vicar!

Good luck!

seebs

Very good call on both points; Beloved Spouse has "mild" bipolar - and it can be hell. Also, a caveat: A friend of mine had a really *awful* marriage counselor, so be prepared to try a couple of 'em, but I've had good luck myself.

Ted Hoffman

sorry, wrong post

HelenM

I could imagine someone saying that in quite a serious way and being open to looking into whether they are actually Bipolar. I could imagine someone else saying it but yet being very offended if anyone took it seriously that they might be Bipolar. So I don't know whether this alone would indicate a willingness on your wife's part to seek help.

What I would say though, is, she seems like a woman who is barely coping with life right now and she does need help; whether it's reduced work hours so she get more rest, or medication, or counseling, or whatever it is. When she blames your deconversion for any and every problem she encounters you know that's not the case. When she thinks "If only you were a Christian everything would be wonderful" - again, you know that's not the case. She'd still have a horrendous work week and be tired and stressed.

So if you can find a way of getting help - and I don't see why marriage counseling wouldn't be a good place to start - because maybe she needs to hear someone else tell her what you know. It could be - frustrating as it is - that she'll be more willing to listen to someone else saying that her long work week is messing with her emotional health (if it is, which seems possible) than to you. Not that you'd go to counseling just so someone else could tell your wife what she'd been trying to tell you all along. But it helped me because when the counselor talked to my husband (they talked on the phone sometimes) it calmed him down and made our relationship better. Even though I found the counselor and he was a Christian (and my husband is an atheist).

Whatever works...I hope you find it. And if her schedule means you're looking after the children a lot, you're building relationships with them and I think that's worthwhile, come what may.

take care
Helen

southernhybrid

I've been trying to think of a way to gently tell you that it appears your wife has serious emotional problems that may have nothing to do with her religion. I'm glad that she may be starting to realize this about herself. I hope she will get help quickly. I don't think any of your problems will be resolved until her emotional problems are addressed.

Btw, there are many people in my family who suffer from bipolar disorder, depression, and/or anxiety disorders. Those that have recognized their symptoms are serious, and have found help, now function pretty well. The ones who remain in denial and refuse help ride a continuous emotional rollar coaster.

I hope you will be able to find somone who can help her. I've said it before, but she really is lucky to have a husband as supportive as you.

Hobbs

Vicar, perhaps you could point her to Evolutionary Creation, a page by Denis Lamoureux, an evangelical Christian religion professor who argues that evangelicals are shooting themselves in the foot by opposing science.

It won't do any good for your wife's apparent emotional problems, but it might at least help her to move beyond an "all-or-nothing" view of things and broaden her horizons a bit. Enough examples of realities between alls and nothings should eventually lead her to be a bit more tolerant of differences and a bit more willing to agree to disagree.

Vicar Philip

Do you guys know of any good resources for bi-polar disorder?

Next question, would I be out of line for even pointing her to a website that discussed it? I might test the water and see what kind of reaction I get from her.

It IS a constant roller-coaster. She's happy as hell one day, the next she's in a daze. It wasn't as bad when she wasn't working so much, but it still happened. Sometimes it was actually worse because she had so much more time to dwell on things.

Again, as I've said many times before, thanks for everyone's input.

Vicar

Hobbs

Given that she herself made the comment recently, perhaps that gives you an opening. I don't know of any good web sites on bipolarity, but I'm sure there are some out there, so I'll leave it to others to point you to them. But I think it would be a good idea if you can find some that state things similar to the commercial she commented on. Perhaps you could introduce her to the topic by saying that you are concerned about her, and her comment in reaction to the commercial made you think, and you looked around for more info about it, and here's some that seems to fit, what do you think, do you think any of this could help, etc? (Bring this up on one of those days when she is happy as hell, of course.)

HelenM

You could try here:

The Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance (it used to be called the National Depression and Manic Depression Association but recently changed its name)

They seem like a good organization to me. I was a member for a while (somehow I seem to have dropped off their mailing list lately - I must have forgot to renew). They have local support groups which I think is a great idea (I've never been to one myself though).

I see they have message boards - I don't think they were there last time I went to the site. You could ask questions on there. My experience on another mental health site is that spouses and loved ones who have questions are quite welcome to post as well as people with the diagnosis.

You could broach the subject carefully, mentioning her comment the other day - see how she reacts. I hope she'll understand that the ultimate goal of looking into such things is to help her feel better. If she is Bipolar obviously it's not 'her fault'. But it's not an easy thing to consider that there's 'something wrong with you' mentally.

By the way, please bear in mind that even if your wife would benefit from medication, most people with mental health diagnoses do best with medication and counseling/therapy. Meds can only do so much. They won't reduce your wife's work week; she probably ought to - in counseling or otherwise - think about ways she could reduce the amount of stress in her life.

It seems to me that the timing of your deconversion coincided with what already would have been a stressful time for her, with her long hours and four active children (even though you do help a lot with them). It could be that even if you had not deconverted, she would have been close to breaking point, because of those other things.

If you go to that site you can read more about Bipolar and maybe ask people questions and perhaps you can get a better idea of whether your wife does seem to have it or not.

Anyway, keep us posted...as always...

take care
Helen

southernhybrid

Why not suggest to your wife that she have an exam by her personal physician. She has been under a lot of stress and it may be just a stress related reaction that is causing her mood swings.

When I worked fulltime as an RN, I was often emotionally labile and so stressed out I could barely function. I can't imagine what it must be like to work as many hours as she is working and still remain sane. She must be having some sleep deprivation with that schedule too. See if you can get her to see her doctor. Sure, it could be a bipolar disorder or it could just be she's a woman who is way overloaded on stress. She may have a depression that is being exacerbated by her work habits. It could be a lot of things that are causing her emotional instability.