dshimel

I've fallen for a woman that has a boyfriend. They've been together for a year-and-a-half, living together for the last year of that.

The guy drinks a lot (like quarter to half a liter of Vodka every night). The relationship is safe, but greatly wanting.

So, anyway, she came on to me, and I knew it was dangerous. I couldn't help myself. This woman is AbFab in every way. She is twiterpated over me, and I grow twiterpated over her.

In the past, I've had this kind of connection with a woman. She was unavailable, so I "did the right thing" and let her go. Couple years later, she was available, but I was not. She'd regretted the last couple years of letting me go. Then it was my turn to regret letting her go.

I don't want to repeat the same mistake again. Letting someone perfect for me go.

Anyway. I believe it is wrong for her to find a new love before she's broken off with the old. Of course, I think she should end her old relationship ASAP.

However, what is the morality of being the "other person". I've made no commitment to her lover to keep her faithful. By breaking off with her, I could be doing more harm to her and I than she is doing to him by not breaking it off.

Is being the participant in an affair, morally wrong? If so, why? How do you know?


BTW: It isn't going to change my actions. I'm far too far gone for logic to change the way I feel. I just want to know what others think.

Loren Pechtel

Well, you've used a couple of strange words "AbFab" and "twiterpated".


Other than that, I don't see that what you are doing is immoral. I do not believe one should try to initiate a relationship with someone not available, but if the other person is the initiator I don't believe you have done wrong.

She should have broken it off with him but sometimes people don't end relationships they should.

Jamie_L

I don't know. The person you are interested in will be committing an imoral act. Not a tremendous transgression, given the situation, but she will be breaking a commitment and lying about it. You will be an accomplice to that.

If a freind of yours murders someone and asks you to hide the gun, is it immoral for you to hide the gun? After all, there's nothing immoral about the act of hiding an object, is there?

On the other hand, given the situation, the only person being hurt is the boyfriend, and maybe he deserves it. So, it's not necessarily a big deal. But is it moral? Technically, I don't think so.

It seems you'd be perfectly within your rights to tell this woman that she needs to dump her boyfriend first. If she doesn't, then you've got to wonder what's going on in her head that she wants to date you but also wants to hang on to this sorry drukard?

Jamie

dangin

Baloney. You are both in "selecting for mate" mode. If you are what she prefers to who she is with, then you won out evolutionarily.

That is the name of the game. If she wants you, and you want her, take what you can, and work to get her out of the other relationship. But you are designed to want to be with the one you desire, why fight it. Unless the other guy is way bigger than you, and has a gun.

Get her out of the relationship, and get yours at the same time. There is no such thing as morality in this, there are only winners and losers. Which do you want to be?

cjack

A couple of things...

First, hello fellow Zonie!

Second...I wouldn't be so sure that she is "perfect." As you said, she should break it off with the other guy before plunging headlong into something with you, but consider this:

The next time, it will be YOU that gets dumped for a better model. Apparently, she has no qualms about stepping outside of a committed relationship, so once your relationship with her seems "wanting," you'll probably be the third person to find out, if you catch my meaning.


I like to put it this way: Once a cheater, ALWAYS a cheater.

Jamie_L

Don't be silly. Of course there is. Of course, being that morality is what we make it, one can throw it out the window if there are more important considerations, which there may be.

But, strictly speaking, making a comitment, then breaking it and lying about it is an immoral act. Helping someone commit an immoral act is an immoral act. Technically.

But you're right, in that if this is the perfect woman for dshimel, it's more in his interets to seize the opportunity for happiness rather than worry about the gray areas of morality.

But the OP asked if it was moral. And it ain't. Like dangin says, get the girl out of that other relationship.

Jamie

dangin

What's wrong with cheaters?

lunachick

They have no integrity?

cjack

I guess no one ever cheated on you? Or they did but it had no effect on you?

If someone makes a committment to be in a monogamous relationship with me, then turns around and starts screwing someone else and lying to me about it, I tend to hold a lower opinion of them.

Would you continue a relationship with someone you KNEW you could not trust?

Setting morality aside for a moment (at the risk of derailing the thread), dshimel has to look at whether or not this woman can be trusted, and whether or not he would be worthy of trust by the virtue of his own actions.

IMHO, trust is an enormously important part of any committed relationship. This woman might seem "perfect" right now, but...

lunar tee

They cheat!