beth

IM, I think you really need to decide whether or not you can live with this sort of relationship indefinately. It seems rather selfish of her, to me, to expect you to be satisfied with the way things are. From what you've said, I gather that this type of separation will continue after marriage. Can you cope with continued loneliness and sexual frustration. I think that perhaps you should talk frankly with your girlfriend and tell your needs and discuss hers. Maybe the two of you could come up with a compromise. If you really want to stray, I would suggest ending the relationship. I do hope that things work out.

brighid

Ironmonkey,

There are going to be many times during a marriage where you will have to go extended periods of time without sex, such as during certain stages of pregnancy and for months (if the birth was normal and did not cause a lot of damage) after the birth of a child. That time can last a year, or longer if there were complications during the delivery of the baby and sex would be unbelievably painful for your wife. So I would think it would be practical for you, or any husband, to learn ways to satisfy himself to hold him over until his partner is willing and able to satisfy his needs.

Is the same woman you spoke about ... well, possibly a year ago or longer when you originally contemplated cheating on your girlfriend with?

To me, it seems hypocritical for you to have been so deeply hurt and upset that your GF had a friendship with a man that appeared to be at least emotionally adulterous, and yet you have maintained a relationship with a married woman for all this time, enough that you have contemplated sex with her and enough that she feels she loves you.

If your needs are so different from those of your fiance, and the both of you have had so many months of incompatability, perhaps it is time to reevaluate the relationship so you can have a relationship with a woman who is capable of meeting your physical and emotional needs.

If you have made a promise of fidelity to your fiance (which I believe you have, or at least certainly expect from her) it would be immoral for you to continue the emotional relationship you have with this married woman (does your fiance know about the full extent of this relationship?) as well as any sexual relationship you may have in the future with any woman other then your fiance.

If you sincerely desire a future with your fiance this affair, once it becomes known, will very likely destroy the trust necessary for a successful, happy and personally fulfilling marriage (for both of you.) If your fiance cannot satisfy your needs now I do not see why that would change after marriage. People are unlikely to change and marriage certainly isn't the vehicle of change.

Sex often does decrease in frequency after marriage because of outside obligations such as the care of children, a home, work, changes in sex drives as we age, familiarity, etc. It is the natural cycle of things. This doesn't mean the sex life of married people isn't fulfilling, just cyclical. Horniness is also not an excuse to break a committment, and you certainly wouldn't accept that excuse from her if she provided the "reasoning" you have.

Brighid

Brighid

Ted Hoffman

Right - absolutely unacceptable.

No it doesn't.

Me too - thats why I am here - to get objective views from mature guys.

Not in the least - why would it bother me? I have no moral authority to judge her (if I decide to sink low with her). In any case, I don't even want any long term thing with her. I would be like a thief being bothered that his friend is a thied

No one would be hurt if the betrayed parties dont find out.

Not a chance.

I dont want to kill you now - I dont know what would happen if we were given a choice to fight to the death now do I?
Perspectives change with time - necessity is the mother of invention. Perhaps my moral system has no utilitarian value and only exists in my mind? Perhaps it renders me inferior given the circumstances I am confronted with?
Why should I treat my morality as superior to my physical needs? Especially, if by violating them, I incur no clear danger except perhaps a little "moral" discomfort?
In any case, even Maslow never treated "being moral" as a basic need - perhaps I can ditch my morality.
Why can't I just adapt and take what comes my way? Those are the questions I am asking here.
nermal
Why? cant I have it both ways? What she doesnt know wont hurt her.
Breaking it off is out of the question because with my fiancee, we are planning something long term, with this unfaithful woman, its plain lust. I'd be a fool to break it off for a married woman.

No, we are compatibe alright. Its just the long periods of separation. She doesnt like them too, but I dont think she is trying enough. Of course she doesnt agree so lets not go there.

That is what I need to know. What is wrong with it?

Having sex doesnt rob me the ability to plan a life with another woman.
Let me ask people here - when planning marriage - sex is never part of the plan? If so, why? coz ita a given? It doesnt seem that way in my case. Sex might just turn out to be something hard to come by.

Our goals are compatible - its just short term needs that are creating a problem.

I would appreciate the experiences of people who have had affairs. Why shouldn't I go for it? Dont we have people who have eaten the forbidden fruit and not been discovered?

I would appreciate philosophical/ ethical arguments because in any case its largely my moral system that has made me not get into this up to this point. I am ready to drop it - its all in my mind and can't meet my needs anyway.

I want to put this idea to rest. I want good reasons for doing so. Those of you who have had the opportunity plus motive to have an affair and resisted it - is there a better reason than - "my spouse wouldnt want it?".

Ted Hoffman

Thanks brighid.
And what exactly, would be wrong with being immoral? At least in the sense of having consensual sex with a married woman?
The way I see it, being immoral is just a value judgement. And its a luxury I can choose to ignore.

Why should I care about being moral?

Ted Hoffman

Brighid suggested a solution to this. I will be okay with waiting while my spouse recovers after birth. Or even wait during pregnancy. Should I resist this just as practice for what is to come?


I did not maintain a "relationship" not even an affair. We just kept in touch.
Of late, I spend a lot of time alone so its kinda "picked up". And ideas are creeping in my mind.

Thats tough. Sounds true though. But thats another question.

So, why shouldnt I go for it?

keyser_soze

No, sorry lad...she's being independent. It really is a good thing, and if you two do get it together, you will appreciate it a lot. It is not as satisfying to be with a woman who has no spirit..

keyser_soze

You don't. That is why you two need to sit down and talk things out. If she really needs the freedom, postpone the "arrangement" and you can both see other people. If you are already considering another woman, for the physical side(yes, this I understand more than most), then you have OTHER needs that are not being met. Likely she does as well.

Ted Hoffman

It can be argued that independence is a rejection of dependence. I can be independent of her for my sexual needs - how is that?

keyser_soze

I have been off and on the quarterly plan for a decade now. I understand your difficulties, during high school and college I had sex several times a week(often with different women, but it was merely a flaw in my personality, and I eventually had to deal with need for companionship in the physical realm). Our marriage goes through cycles where one or the other of us doesn't seek sex for a month or two, then we have a above average interest for a while. You are young, and it is a strong drive in you. To ignore it, is to risk it bringing you harm(you would be surprised how much your little head can talk your big head into )

HelenM

I don't understand why you'd do something you know your fiancee would find absolutely acceptable. That indicates to me she's the wrong person for you to be engaged to.


I think you should be telling your fiance that you're seriously contemplating having sex with another woman. Then she can make a more informed decision about whether you're the right man for her. After you tell her that might resolve your dilemma in that it ends your engagement and you're free to do whatever you want without betraying your commitment to her.

True. I just didn't think you were a thief, that's all.

You can't be sure that no-one would ever tell. As someone else pointed out, the woman you have sex with might tell. After all, she's happy to betray her husband; why would you think she wouldn't betray you too?

Anyway, I don't agree that 'no-one would be hurt if they don't know'. It will change your relationship with your fiance whether she knows or not because you will be in effect inculcating a habit of disregarding her feelings about your behavior. There's a balance to be sought but this level of blatant regard is wrong, imo, when you are engaged to someone.

As I was saying, it seems to me that she's not the right person for you to be engaged to, if you're happy to do what she'd find unacceptable and a betrayal of your relationship with her.

If your fiancee is not happy with you I doubt you'll ever be happy with her.

What's that supposed to mean? Please keep your death threats off these boards!

You can but I think it's unfair of you to do it without telling your girlfriend that your morals have changed considerably and that she's engaged to a man who considers having sex with other women to be fine as long as she doesn't know about it.

Helen