HelenM

I don't think we can know that Darren's wife is Bipolar.

He's mentioned that she had a difficult upbringing. I'm sure that's contributed significantly to her difficulty in being flexible, adapting to change and seeing the shades of grey other people see in between the black-and-white which seems to be all she perceives (at least at times).

Whether her problems also include a diagnosable mental illness such as Bipolar is something I think we ought to leave to the professionals to decide. Hopefully at some point she'll be willing to see some professionals, for her own sake and for the sake of her children and Darren.

Helen

admice

Vicar

One thing to think about is how well YOU can handle being married to an unquestioning Christian (or whatever definition of your wife you might use). You've written about her thoughts regarding being married to an atheist, but perhaps you should look at how much respect you do have, and can have, for your wife and how that will influence your behavour and marriage.

Just some thoughts

take care

Proxima Centauri

Why did you "give her a raft of shit"? Both of you lack self control. This argument hasn't helped, has it? Its often better to stay quiet and not reply if she provokes you. A bit of the time you act like your own worst enemy.
Here's a quote from Undercurrent in a different thread. I think its relevant to your wife.
:banghead:

HelenM

The value of both of you going to a third party is that that person could help both of you see where you could make changes that would increase your ability to communicate with each other in a positive constructive way.

Darren, your wife might be more willing to change if she felt you also were willing to work on how you responded to her.

I know no-one is perfect and it's very hard not to be provoked to angry responses sometimes. But, as you know, it can cut very deep when your spouse gets angry with you. I'm not sure it's worth the fallout, if it can be avoided.

Helen

Vicar Philip

I suppose "giving her a raft of shit" was a poor choice of words. I never raised my voice, struck her about the head, or jumped up and down on the couch. We were actually having a quiet, controlled conversation about everything. You must understand that "fury" for me usually entails nothing more than hiking up my diastolic 20 points. So again, my "colorful metaphor" was an exaggeration for what actually transpired. Sorry for misleading you.

Actually that disagreement resulted in a better understanding of what I'm hoping for as far as our kids are concerned. I eventually told her that if she agreed to let the kids go to the UU, they would get a much more well-rounded education about ALL religions, and could probably teach us a thing or two. She didn't disagree, so I'm taking that as a positive sign.

She was a little cranky last night, but I've finally figured out (DUH) that usually means she wants some. When they say women's sex drive peaks after 30, and the man's peaks at 18, I'm sorry to say they're right. But we manage. Dumb Darren just needs to figure it out a little more quickly.

Oh, and B.Shack... before you tell me I "lack self control," let's see how you'd react if your wife took something dear to you and tried to destroy it. Then come back and tell me about self control.

brighid

Darren,

Maybe you and the Mrs. need a weekend away somewhere - to be alone and to relieve a little stress if you know what I mean Tell her you would really enjoy something like that and you will make all the arrangements. You can usually get some pretty good hotel deals at Priceline! At least twice a year my husband and I go away for a few days to this quaint, quiet town about 3 hours from our home. We spend a lot of time hiking, maybe some horse back riding, visiting all our favorite, little shops, enjoying foods we normally wouldn’t eat and enjoying each other. I realize we only have kid and two dogs, so it’s a bit easier to arrange these things … but it might do some wonders for your relationship. Romance her, placate her with good food, wine, chocolate and then some hot sex. Reconnect and show her how much you love and value her. PROMISE not to discuss religion AT ALL, but promise to compliment each other and reminisce through some of the good times. Remind her why you fell in love with and still love her.

She has been quite the hand-full, but maybe she is just so insecure that she just can’t see straight. Maybe your parents or the in-laws will take the kids for a night or two. Then surprise her.

Brighid

HelenM

That often can do wonders - especially for parents of four children aged 13 to teenager.

I recommend scheduling it for when she's going to be cranky

Helen

Vicar Philip

Actually, I'm going to the NAB (National Association of Broadcasters) convention in Vegas in early April, and she's coming with me for 4 days. My employer is even paying for our room. We have some old friends that live out there, so I think it will be good for us.

Thanks for the thought.

brighid

April is a bit far off! You might want to consider something sooner - Valentines Day IS coming up ... maybe the weekend after when prices aren't unconscionably high.

Brighid

BadBadBad

Absolutely! Theres's been a lot of good advice here, and I too have commented on dodging the head banging, but this is not your deal. You may contribute by butting heads, but even if you were an angel this isn't going away. Are you really expected to be an angel here? She's throwing the shit here, and I don't expect you to just sit there and take it.

There's all this about what you need to do, how you need to behave, how you need to do what ever it takes to make her happy, how you need to be careful about what you say, how you need to go for christian counselling, how you need to go to church with her, how you need to control your temper. You don't get a free ticket to do and say what ever you like without it impacting the situation, but give me a break. Frankly, I'm getting a little tired of that. You're only human.

Let's compare your offenses to hers. She's saying the only thing I feel when I hug you is the warmth of your body. I can't be married to an athiest for ever. I'm not going to leave you alone with my children. Not to mention trying to burn prize possessions. Not to mention her giving you shit. You may not be helping your own case by not being on your best behavior, but please. How about let's not forget we have an instigator and we have a victim in this conflict. All Darren has done to bring on all this shit is to admit he doesn't believe in God. Darren, shame on you, you're such a bad bad bad man!