niggle

I've been an atheist for 9 years and I've pretty much stayed in the closet with the exceptions of my friends and my sister.

For the rest of my family, I've kept my mouth shut with the occasional barb. Yesterday, I said "They [Catholic Church] can take away a teaching award from a women because she's a lesbian but they can't get rid of a priest for child molestation?" I only said that to my father who would find it the least objectionable.

The thing is I moved out of my parents home only two months ago and I told myself I wasn't going to play along anymore. I was going to be honest about who I was and just accept the consequences.

I haven't gone to church since I've moved out. My excuse is that I work late nights and I sleep in the morning. (Of course, it's obvious I could go Saturday night.)

I went to GAMOW and told my parents it was a protest for the seperation of church and state.

But yesterday we had a barbeque, and as usual we prayed before the meal. I went along with it quietly and went through the motions. I feel bad about it because I told myself I wouldn't do it, and of course I did it.

OTOH, I've lost all guilt about lying to my parents about everything else. I tell my sister, in front of my parents, that she shouldn't tell them about who she's dating and her desire to try skydiving. I'm open about the attitude that if they can't handle the truth, then they don't deserve it.

Still, something still bothers me about going through the motions of religious rituals like praying.

Cipher Girl

Hi niggle

Do whatever you feel comfortable doing. My husband's family is very religious so I simply don't say anything. Occasionally I'll respond back with a question such as when my FIL asked me if I had ever been baptised. I answered "No, why should I be?" He really did not expect that and had no response.

We stayed at my in-laws for the Christmas holidays. At Christmas dinner, they usually say a prayer and want everyone to join in. I usually just stand there while everyone bows thier heads. They have never really said anything about it. But this last Christmas, my brother-in-law made a big deal about the prayer. He is very fundy. I simply slipped out of the room. I had a good excuse, as his grandchild was in the back bedroom crying. .

He was mad at me when I came back after they finished praying. If he had said anything, I would have countered with "Well obviously impressing everyone with your prayers is more important to you than your grandchild." But he said nothing.

If you think they can't handle it, then make them happy. Are they elderly? My inlaws are in their 80's and I'm not going to rock the boat. But if you are not comfortable going along, perhaps you can stand there and not bow your head. Would they notice or care? That way you can respect them but not join in.

keyser_soze

Stand for yourself, no one else will. Try not to hurt anyone, but you have to be true to your convictions. I'm not saying go out and spread the word, but you are strong enough to take the waves and stay afloat. Try to be polite(though I fail at this myself frequently) but be firm.

RufusAtticus

Q: Is it wrong to stay in the closet?

A: Depends on who's in there with you.

keyser_soze

Someone had to say it, glad it was you at least.

AspenMama

Well-- I believe that everyone deserves your honesty. I see it as a matter of respecting others enough to be honest with them.

And I'm assuming you are saying you don't think they can handle the truth that you are an atheist (as opposed to the truth that their belief in a god is seriously lacking real evidence).

People have handled their "coming out" in different ways here on this board. Some people have written a long letter. Others have used a long car ride to initiate a serious discussion. I suppose some have come out slowly.

When I'm with others close to me who pray, I do not participate, I hold my chin up and remain quiet. If someone I work with, spouts out a phrase like "god doesn't give you more than you can handle." I simply say that I have a different philosophy.

Remember diplomacy always. Say "no thanks" firmly, but with a smile. Keep the door open for friendly discussion. Finally, Learn some simple ways to refute standard arguments with grace.

Godless Dave

Welcome to another Minnesota heathen!

I don't have much in the way of advice. I think it's polite to bow one's head at grace when at someone else's house. You don't have to close your eyes or say "Amen" though. As for coming out of the closet, you could wait until someone asks you why you don't go to church and just say "I haven't been a Christian for 9 years". If they press, say you're an atheist. If they start wigging out you can play it cool and say "I wasn't going to bring it up because I knew it would upset you, but you asked."

Did you get the name "Niggle" from the Tolkien story?

Jennie

You know your own family best, so that's your call; however, I do think it wrong of you to encourage your sister to reveal her secrets to your parents when you don't feel capable of doing the same.

I came out gradually to my parents after I left home, there was no big discussion about it. I also knew that my parents are (absent their beliefs) reasonable and loving people who wouldn't cast me out for my beliefs, which made it much easier. Interestingly my brother had the strongest reaction in a discussion we had as teens: he said that I was worse than a Satanist because I felt no need to worship anything. Ah well, we get along fine, and I even babysit his sons now and again.

Jewel

Do what you are comfortable with. For most people, comming out takes time. You've only been on your own for a couple of months. I do think, however, you should tell them before they figure it out on their own or someone else tells them. That way you are in control of the situation.

I like the idea of writing a letter -- that lets you spell out your thoughts precisely and you get to edit. I just kind of blurted it out one day in a fit of frusteration -- I don't recommend that, although I am glad to have it out of the way. Now, I don't feel like I need to hide my reading material (as if it were possible) when family comes over and I do not need to lie about who I am.

Good Luck.

-Jewel

6748_smith_w

No offense, but I think atheists like you are doing us a disservice by allowing yourself to be railroaded the way you are. There is absolutely nothing wrong with having a rational mind. Don't hide it. Don't apologize for it. When someone asks why you don't pray or why you haven't been baptized, just say "I'm an atheist." "I don't believe in Jesus." "Religion is unsupported by evidence, so I feel it is irrational.", etc. What's the big deal? Why do we always have to bend over backwards to try to appease religious people? Why are the rational beliefs of the atheist always second-class? Don't just "go along with it". Stand up for yourself and the rest of us.