eldar1011

Now that I'm a father, the (a)religious upbringing of my daughter has become very important to me. I am an atheist, whereas my wife is agnostic. However, she is culturally Jewish.

I'm not sure if that's the right terminology. Basically, she's unsure of the existence of God, or perhaps the existence of God as per Judaism. However, her family very strongly identifies with their Judaism. The way I see it, it's exceedingly difficult to separate the cultural aspects of being Jewish from the religious ideas of Judaism.

Therein lies a potential problem. Though my daughter is too young to understand religion just yet (she's just turned 6-months), I know that this is a topic I'll have to deal with eventually.

I have no problem with bringing her to a Passover seder, it's a good way for family to get together. But, once the story of Passover is told, I'm afraid I'll have to either bite clean through my tongue or stuff myself with brisket to keep from telling my daughter what I believe to be the truth.

I don't know how I can reconcile the conflict between giving her access to her mother's cultural heritage and the importance of my atheism. The "this is what some people believe" approach doesn't really appeal to me.

How can she understand why her mother's family believes one way while her father believes in none of them? She'll be told that her mother's family believes in Judaism with cultural and family history as background. She'll attend the various bat/bar mitzvahs of her cousins. But, at the same time, I'll be telling her it's all bunk (in not so many words, of course).

I guess this is what I'm really concerned about, I am worried that either I'll have to compromise my position or have to attack (and eventually defeat) the Judaic position. I want her to respect her maternal family. I don't want to offend my in-laws. But, the idea that my daughter might not apply critical thinking to her faith is anathema to me.

Finally, I'm taking this opportunity to show-off my little princess, she's darn cute as far as I'm concerned.

vagrant

If you figure it out, let me know (replacing Jewish with Lutheran in my situation)!

Congrats and she's a cutie.

Jolimont

She's adorable! But it'll be many years before she will care about any of this, won't it? I think being a cultural Jew or a cultural Catholic or whatever is actually a good thing because it gives you some exposure while allowing you to think for yourself and even bad-mouth religion. My daughter is being raised with light exposure to mormons, catholics, and her daddy is a pretty gungho unitarian. She has ties to religions, I can't help it and I don't want to try. But I'll make sure she doesn't spend much time in church without me being right there with her so I can bring up the stuff they leave out at church and we know they do that a lot. I think my job as a parent is to tell her the whole truth as I see it and I hope she'll come to conclusions that agree with me!

Clarice

First, she is absolutely adorable! And don't you love the John Lennon collection? If only all the words to "Imagine" appeared on them!

Now, hubby and I are ex-Catholics. After our daughter arrives, we'll be celebrating a secular Winter solstice feast involving tree trimming and gift-giving. I'll probably just call it Christmas, but explain that we celebrate it out of tradition, and to remind ourselves that the days will start getting longer again (I freaking hate winter). Not only will I explain what a solstice is, but also how the holiday came to its current place in American culture, including the myth of Christ's birth. I think she'll be way more interested in the gifts, but it never hurts to forewarn the kiddies about the predominant myths in their culture.

Anyway, I'm not sure kids differentiate much between a seder, Thanksgiving, and an individual family tradition of pizza and videos on Friday nights. Rhythm and ritual seem to soothe us even when we don't believe in supernatural hoo-ha.

I wouldn't worry too much. My philosophy is to teach "some people believe . . . but I think . . ." so I don't quite know what to tell you. The only thing I plan to indoctrinate my kids into is critical thinking, and I'll leave the religious decisions to them, but I'm not going to hide what I believe either.

Enai

Wow, I think your daughter is absolutely adorable and that says nothing about her cute smile!

To your problem, I'd discuss it with your wife if I were you. It's her family and her cultural tradition. Try to find some sort of balance together. I think it's good to start such considerations early, but why talk to strangers on the internet when the expert is wedded to you?

I wish you and your family all the best,
Enai

Shadowy Man

I doubt you have that much of a problem. If your wife is an agnostic Jew, then even though she partakes in the Passover Seder, she doesn't necessarily think that the story is a true story.

If you say "I think it's bunk", she may agree with you. But that won't necessarily interfere with her, your, or your daughter's appreciation for the Jewish holidays or cultural traditions.

I mean, how many people around here were talking all about what they were doing for Christmas, what Christmas presents they got, etc. So, even though they are mostly ex-Christians, they still hold onto the holiday - most likely for traditional reasons left over from their childhood.

Oh, and actually it is easy to "separate the cultural aspects of being Jewish from the religious ideas of Judaism" and many American Reformed Jews seem to do it.

scarmig

Good work there! I also have a new daughter (7 months). I'm going to let my daughter lead me on what she wants to know about religion. If she never expresses a desire or interest, I won't force it on her. If she hears about it from Grandma, I will explain to her what Grandma believes. She'll know what she's ready to learn by asking.

What objection do you have to the "some people believe this" approach? Children can be pretty smart and I doubt if she will be confused by the idea that different people believe different things.

Besides, how much *more* damage could occur when your daughter finds out that she's been to all these Jewish functions all her life and you've never told her you *don't* believe in it? I think honesty is the best course of action. Parental lies, even lies of omission, can carry some heavy repercussions. I believe that if my daughter has the chutzpah to ask me what I believe, I should respect her enough to be honest and up front with her.

Lots of people disgree with me though.

Rhea

Cute kid!

One way that we deal with religion is to talk about "rituals" that people "like to perform". And sometimes we talk about the rituals _we_ like to perform, like picking apples in fall and going to the cider mill, having an Easter celebration in the spring to have fun with all of the growth and fertility going on. And sometimes how "they are very serious about it, and even though we're not, we don't want to interrupt their way of enjoying the ritual".

And finally - what a great opportunity it is to experience and understand tolerance. THIS IS TOLERANCE. Us showing respect for THEM by not taking away from their ritual and their feelings for it.

And it's kind of a cool story, too. Look what happens. And remember that one about the Minataur?

G.P. Hanes

One "problem" I envision is that your daughter will grow up around religious cousins who celebrate bar/bat mitzvahs, having big parties thrown in their honor and receiving lots of gifts and cash--and when she's 13 she may pout, "Where's my party and presents?"

Or maybe I'm just projecting how my teenaged daughter would act!

brighid

Eldar,

I don't have much time to post right now, but she is just so beautiful! You and your wife should be very proud, as I know you are Doesn't it amaze you that something so beautiful and seemingly perfect somehow came from you (and of course your beautiful wife?)

Every time I look at my son I am awed - 9 (almost 10) years later!

Brighid