HelenM

That makes sense to me because this really is her problem - meaning, she is the one who needs to realize that this is not a 'catastrophic' situation except in her own imagination. She maybe has gone into some weird sort of emotional 'survival' mode that goes back to her childhood...who knows...it seems that in her more rational moments she knows it's her. And the absence of those moments, this week and in recent months, causes a lot of pain...

But you leaving might only add to her confusion and fear and inability to be rational about your family situation.

I'm sure it's very hard to be there and have her being so cold and distant (and unkind), waiting to see whether she'll come to her senses. I'm sorry.

take care
Helen

southernhybrid

Do you have anyone to talk to outside of this forum? Could you have another conversation with the pastor? Do you have family members or friends that know what you're going through with your wife? I'm just worried that regardless of our good intentions, you need much more support than what you're getting here. If you have a close friend or family member that you haven't shared this with, I strongly encourage you to do so. This forum is no substitute for the kind of support that one can get from a face to face encounter with a trusted friend.

I'm not suggesting that you stop seeking support here, but that you supplement our support with the support of someone close to you. You're going to need all the emotional support you can find in the coming months. If it weren't for a few close friends, I don't know how I would have survived the breakup of my first marriage.

I'm so sorry that things are rapidly deteriorating in your marriage.

Vicar Philip

My mom and dad came out last night and we talked. The sad thing is that if my wife knew I had spoken to them, she'd accuse me of turning them against her too. No matter what I do it seems I'm wrong.

BadBadBad

You're just going to have to accept that she is going to see you criticizing religion equal to criticizing her. That's just the way it is. Don't criticize religion. Now if she's going to criticize you because you don't believe in religion that's not ok either. At that point focus the fight on how she treats you not the merits of either of your beliefs.

southernhybrid

It's good to know that you have parents that you can confide in. Regardless of what your wife may think, you did the right thing by telling your parents what's going on. I hope they will be a source of support for you and your children as time goes on. Try not to let your wife's opinions lower your self worth. At least you have been very willing to try and work at making compromises and solutions.
It doesn't seem that she has helped your situation at all. At least not up to this point.

Splat

Hi Darren.

I'm sorry things have degenerated again. I was hoping that your recent optimism might pan out.

Can you continue talking to the pastor on your own? He seems to have the perfect combination of philosophical and psychological insight and wisdom to help you with this. And he knows your wife, which is a huge advantage over those of us here. And where do the two of you now stand on counseling as an option?

And Brett's right--don't send emails, except to say things like "I love you, and no matter what you say or do, I always will." And tell her that a few dozen times a day, especially in front of the kids. After all, that's probably what jesus woulda done.

Bumble Bee Tuna

You could try to talk to the pastor, and see if he would do a special sermon for you. Make the sermon be about accepting non-believers, citing verses about infidel marriages, etc etc...as a kind of big hint to your wife. Of course, I can predict the response:

"Oh, now you've gotten the Pastor against me too!!"

but it's an idea.

-B

Vicar Philip

That's a good idea, BBT, but she's already said that.

I did e-mail her and told her no matter what, I would always love her..... she wrote back STOP IT!!!! (18 more exclamation points)

I figure if I send her some variation on that every day she'll either want to make up or it'll drive her to a lawyer.

DMB

VP: it looks as though you don't want a divorce. You are, however, in a very delicate situation and I think you have to react defensively. The fact is that, if things do continue to deteriorate, your wife may file for divorce whether you want it or not.

You should therefore not hesitate another day before getting legal advice. Be honest with the lawyer and say that at the moment you don't want a divorce but you would like to understand your position if your wife goes ahead.

It may feel disloyal and another nail in the coffin of your marriage, but, from what you have posted here about your wife's current behaviour, you could end up at a severe disadvantage in the courts. Consulting a lawyer isn't doing anything to hasten the demise of your marriage.

Proxima Centauri

From Vicar Philip
I didn't nention my sex before because I wanted people to evaluate my posts on their merit and I didn't want my posts judged differently as I am a woman.
At the moment I fear you may need to stay, put up with the sh*t and gather evidence. Perhaps you could go on a course connected with your work. Perhaps there is work you could do away from home for your university.
Sorry to hear things are so bad for you. Sorry to hear the meeting with the pastor which I suggested didn't work out.



From Brettc.For 'God's sake' don't delete. You need the emails as evidence. Giving reasonable answers to her emails will probably persuade her to send you yet more emails which may be usable as evidence.
If your wife knows later that you have evidence against her and that a divorce won't run smoothly for her she just might improve her behaviour.
I didn't mean, "For 'God's sake". There is no evidence that any 'God exists. We have to rely on ourselves.

Talk and email a lot to people who care about you, your parents, your children. That will make the silence easier to bear.