Boro Nut

God never speaks to me in my sleep like he did with all those OT prophets. He's nowhere to be seen in my dreams, not unless he has big tits and likes me to come in his mouth. I do often wake up with a stiff neck though, and I seem to remember he doesn't like that for some reason. Could that be the problem? It's not because I'm not listening in my sleep, just that our lass likes the window open. Do you think he would be more likely to speak to me if I slept in a tent?

Boro Nut

scumble

Perhaps the more important question is whether you're sexually frustrated or not.

Normal

Don't you think if god showed up it might kill the mood?

DMB

Let's face it, Boro, perhaps you stink and god has ultra-sensitive nostrils. Oops! No, it can't be that: he doesn't have a nose, does he?

livius drusus

Yup. That's the guy. See? He hasn't forsaken you after all. He just doesn't talk with his mouth full.

phlebas

God is very much an eye-to-eye deity. All the doggie stuff leaves him a little nonplussed.

Jamie_L

Well, it's obviously because you aren't really trying to listen and you aren't really open to God. Even if you think you are trying to listen, even if you honestly believe that you are open to God and searching for him, you obviously are full of self-deception and your soul is closed. That's the only possible explanation. Because if you weren't closing yourself off to God, then he would be talking to you.

Always remember this maxim: when things go right, it's God's fault. When things go wrong, it's your fault. This should be intuitively obvious, but since it's apparantly not, you should remind yourself of this often.



Jamie

Boro Nut

Who's fault is it when things go tits up, but you're really pleased about it, like Sunderland getting relegated and that? It would please me no end to find out I was in some way responsible.

Boro Nut

tensorproduct

[Apoplectic Rage]
THAT WAS YOUR FAULT!!!!

Do you know how much you cost me?
[/Apoplectic Rage]

Jamie_L

Like I said, "good result" = God did it.
"Bad result" = You did it.

If you're really pleased about it, then God did it. That's the rule. Human beings are pathetic slime that can't possibly do anything useful. Unless God helps. And if you think you managed to do something that you think is good, then you probably didn't really do something good, but somethig bad. Like getting laid. You may have been responsible, but getting laid is wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. Bad, bad, bad. All pleasure is wrong, so if you give yourself pleasure, that's your fault, but it's bad. And if someone else give you pleasure, well that's bad too, and it's their fault, and your fault for letting them, but it's not God's fault. God doesn't doo those kinds of things.

If you feel bad about some event or situation, it's your fault, because God never causes people to feel bad. Ever, ever, ever. Even when he floods the world and kills everybody. That was your fault. Or, someone's fault, since I guess you weren't around. But God works in mysterious ways, and he's omnsicient, so he would have known back then what you were going to do today, so maybe it is really your fault. All humans are evil. You are human. You deserve whatever you get, just like the rest of them. But God's not doing things to you. He's just standing by so you learn your lesson.

And the lesson is: It's all your fault.

Except for the good stuff.

Jamie