agapeo

Godless Dave makes some good points in regards to dangers that can exist to your children or yourself if your wife displays violent tendencies. Yet if these violent tendencies are an indication that your wife is mentally ill then I would think you should talk to professionals that deal with mental illness instead of a lawyer.

Part of the agreement two parties make whenever they decide to get married is to love each through sickness and in health. (At least this constitutes most marriage vows that I'm aware of). If your wife is mentally ill then the loving thing to do is to seek help for her illness. Not to abandon her. Would you do so if this sickness was physical instead of mental?

If the two of you ever get to the marriage counselor that you can both agree to perhaps this counselor (Christian or secular) will recognize the irrational behavior your wife is displaying and will make an appropriate action to take to deal with this mental illness first. This might simply be a matter of medication. Whatever is the cause of your wife's behavior a lawyer is not going to help. But if no other alternatives are possible then that option may be the only one you can take.

BibleBelted

Goddamn, Vicar. I don't have too much to add to what others on this thread have said except . . . goddamn!

This may qualify as the dumbest thing you've heard yet, but on the off-chance it will help I'll ask: Does your wife consume a lot of caffeine?

It may sound crazy, but my wife used to have these nearly psychotic episodes (before I de-converted). There have been studies done that show a correlation in PMS-like symptoms and caffeine intake. After my wife got off caffeine, the emotional outbursts have pretty much disappeared.

Behavior like what you've described is not normal . . not even close.

I might be sleeping in a different room . . with a deadlock on the door . . and furniture piled against it . . and boarded up windows.

Goddamn.

Viti

This is right on the money...the guitar doesn't matter so much as what it represents...YOU...this is a blatant and mean spirited show of contempt and disrespect for you as a person and should not be brushed off. I think it's ultimatum time, she gets medical help AND you two go into marriage counseling (not with a pastor, with a liscensed therapist), or you separate.

muon

Hi Darren. I really think seeing a lawyer is warranted, even if you have absolutely no desire and no intention of getting a divorce. I think that there is a significant chance (but not a certainty) that you will get hit with a divorce filing in the next few months, particularly when your wife's pastor doesn't instantly reconvert you. I'm sorry to say that, and I hope it doesn't happen, but it's possible.

The aftermath of your wife filing for divorce could be severe. If you think your present situation is bad, imagine your wife using your kids as bargaining chips in a settlement, preemptively emptying all the money out of your joint bank accounts, and telling a judge that you shouldn't have custody or even visitation with your kids because you're an "evil atheist".

You also need to be thinking about what custody arrangements should be if there is a divorce. Quite frankly, your wife doesn't sound like someone I'd want to leave my kids with.

So, please see a lawyer, not to initiate any divorce proceeding, but to protect yourself and your kids if a divorce happens. A lawyer can tell you what you should and should not do to give you the best possible legal position. Certain actions you take now could prejudice the outcome of a divorce one way or another. For example, you need to be somehow documenting what's going on with your wife, and what effect it's having on your kids and yourself. You need to know what to do if your wife tries to physically kick you out of the house, or what to do if she runs off and takes the kids with her. You may even get some advice on whether it's possible or even advisable to force your wife to get a psychiatric evaluation.

Obviously you probably do *not* want to let your wife know you've taken this step. If you're caught, a divorce might be inevitable. (Or maybe it would have the opposite effect, and shock some sense into your wife) But a divorce may be inevitable anyway.

I'm very sorry.,

BadBadBad

Darren, I think you got some very good advice today. You've brought a lot of people back into this today. Pay attention to their reaction. I think the message is that this goes beyond spoiled tantrum like I posted earlier. It goes beyond regular fight.

I think the other key message most everyone had was you need to look out for yourself. My dad was an alcoholic from the time I was a teenager. I know what we went through, and as I got older, I went to Al-Anon meetings. The one thing I learned is that only your wife can deal with her problems. You can't fix them, and you can't make her fix them. You can only decide how to fix your life given how she is. That means setting boundaries. Having the courage to set the boundaries and live by them may be enough to give her a wake up call. It might not be. I'm no psychologist, but she, like alcoholics, may not hit rock bottom because of your decisions. You need to decide when to get off this train. That doesn't mean divorce, or even separation, but it definitely means boundaries. You need to be prepared to go as far as it takes to limit you and your kid's exposure to what's going on now. You can either make decisions yourself, or YOU need help.

Never

I'd just like to second oser's post. There's a lot going on here and lots of advice you may try, but the bottom line is she may at any time play that divorce card she's been threatening. And you have two strikes against you that you can't change. #1, you're a man and #2, (depending on the judge), you're an atheist.
While she may not be the most stable single parent for the kids (don't know that, just a possibility based on reading this), you would need proof of that or you're back to the disadvantage of being the father.
Even if you never end up in that situation, it's better to be prepared and not need it than to end up regretting it. You sound like the stability in your kids lives. Just because you see a lawyer and have a backup plan doesn't mean you can't follow all the other avenues in an effort to reconcile your differences and maybe never use it.

seebs

Oh. My. God.

Do you have citations for this? Because my wife drinks almost nothing without caffeine, and is sorta random.

seebs

I dunno if this is a good idea, or a bad idea, but:

How many people here would be willing to chip in a few $ for a fund to "ease financial strain on VP's family"? Seems to me that even one utility bill paid might make a *big* difference, emotionally. Do enough of us care, and have a few spare bucks, to make a difference? If so, let's do that. It can't hurt, and if she finds out where the money is coming from, the idea that atheists might be charitable people might help VP's wife. (If this ends up getting done, I'll try to hide any money I contribute in with the other money to avoid spoiling a perfectly good dramatic example.)

Never

Actually seebs, if this was done I think a better "dramatic example" would be knowing that it came from a combined effort of atheists and Christians (if that was the case). Sort of proof that they can co-exist and work together to help a friend even if they hold different beliefs. Wouldn't you agree?
I'd be in.

Hobbs

I've been thinking about this guitar thing, and I can think of a couple of possible interpretations.

One possibility is that she is very insecure in your love for her now, and she is testing you. The crux of the matter here is her relationship with you. She obviously has a wildly inaccurate understanding of what an atheist is, so she is likely afraid that you will reject her or that you will become unreliable. From what you have reported, she has said this several times. So perhaps she is testing you, to see how important she is to you, to see if she can rely on you, even if she is acting in such, um, unconventional ways. This would make sense of her comment about fearing that your guitar is more important to you than she is. But it doesn't make a lot of sense out of her behavior: why act that unlovably toward someone whose love you desperately want but are afraid you will lose?

Another interpretation is that the crux of the matter is her relationship with God. You have attacked the most important thing in her life, so she has in retaliation attacked what she thinks is the most important thing in your life. This would make sense of her behavior here. But it would not fit with her claim that she fears you love the guitar more than you love her.

If the first possibility is correct, then it looks like you have some rough time ahead of you as you reassure her that you do still love her and that you and your love are reliable. She will keep testing your love, either to make sure your love is reliable or to discover and reveal its unreliability. But as long as you do love her and demonstrate that, she will eventually calm down as her sense of security in your love grows.

But if the second possibility is correct, well, to put it bluntly, it looks like you're fucked.

I suppse there are other possibilities, though. She could be having a crisis of faith of her own or doubts of her own she wants to suppress and not have to face, and you are certainly not helping her accomplish that now. Or, due to other issues, she had already been thinking of divorce for a while but could not justify it and now she sees an opening. Or she could just be plain fucking nuts. What do I know? One thing I do know, though, is that I'm going to bed now because it is late. Good luck.