captainpabst

...It sounds like she has said some conflicting things... On the one hand she said "don't come home, I don't want it, etc." On the other hand there's this:

So was she sleepless and tearful when you weren't there? She still wants to smell you and have you near? I'm sure if that's the case, she wants those things under HER terms, but nevertheless, she may not want the marriage to end...maybe she just can't deal with it and the only solution she can think of is divorce.

Maybe you could ask her if she'd be willing to try a marriage counselor (not a pastor, maybe someone who specializes in it). Remind her that divorce is emotionally damaging to the kids, and it would make the financial situation even more rough.

I don't know what else to say. Where is her "god" now? Why won't he fix all of this? Bah.

Oh, as an afterthought, I think it's kind of cool that that Methodist church has a special small men's group to discuss xianity more critically. Nifty.

southernhybrid

I'm sorry Darren. I'm sorry things haven't turned out the way you wanted them to. I have no advice right now, just wanted to tell you I'm sorry.

Vicar Philip

Her plans now are to bring my clothes, guitars, etc. to my office.

She says she doesn't want to put my mother in the middle, that she'll side with me soon enough.

She's also going to wash my other clothes that are dirty, and get those to me in a few days.

She's being sickeningly sweet, even asked if I wanted her to bring me something for lunch. I know she's just being this way on purpose, I suppose she's making herself look good for any future action I might take against her.

I think I can stay with my brother. He's got a spare bedroom. Then I guess I'll find out how far she's willing to take this charade. Unfortunately, my gut tells me she will do whatever it takes out of sheer spite. She holds famous grudges, and I will be no exception. Now that she's in this "mode," I fear she will play the suffering, martyr wife to the hilt, since I was the evil bastard who didn't call her back last night.

I do have phone records from the radio station. I called my cell phone several times to check messages, and also called my mother. So I'll have proof of my whereabouts.

I absolutely hate this crap. I've seen movies about divorce, and witnessed several friends go through it, and always told myself "I'm glad it's not us." Well, guess what. It may be us.

BadBadBad

Vicar,

It seems clearly like two things,

1. She's an absolute spoiled brat, oh so willing to throw a tantrum if she doesn't get what she wants.

2. It's the church thing. Go to church, talk to church cronies, come home and fight with hubby. Not just church but the church image thing. Who needs that shit? Church is all about conformity. Be like we are, Act like we act, Think like we think, then we'll welcome you with open arms, and we'll all praise Jesus together for the rest of our lives. Aaaah, that just sounds wonderful doesn't it? Otherwise, "Well, isn't that special!" How could it be? I just can't think why you aren't like us. I just wonder how it could be that you're such a freethinking spirit. Could it be SAAATAAN?

If I were you, I'd really think twice about not coming home. It seems to have definitely inflamed the situation, plus, if you stay away, it may limit your case for custody. I'd go back to the house and absolutely refuse to fight with her. Then, if you're serious about divorce, go see a lawyer and file for it. Based upon what you want, the lawyer can help you decide how to proceed in your best interests rather than proceeding based upon emotions only.

Otherwise, if you're not ready for divorce, go home, sit back and watch all this screaming tantrum threat shit just like you would a three year old rolling on the floor kicking and screaming. All this shit streaming out of her mouth is just to get under your skin, hurt you, and suck you into a brawling fight. You can stand above it all and act like a mature calm adult.

I have a five year old. She's quite the little drama queen. Sometimes when she doesn't get what she wants, or she gets scolded, I get the little pouty face, I don't love you anymore, then she runs up crying to her room. I don't give in to that. I don't let it hurt my feelings. I feel sorry for her. As an adult, I tell her this is how it is. You don't always get what you want. People will make fun of you. You'll get in trouble and get scolded or worse. You have to deal with life without throwing a crying tantrum. That's not acceptable.

You're not likely to influence your wife to grow up. It's too late for that. You've hit on an issue in your 16 year marriage where she's prompted to throw tantrums to get her way. I suspect this isn't the only issue either. This one is never going to be resolved. It's going to keep coming up every Sunday morning and Wednesday night. I believe the only way you're getting past this one is if she stops going to church. Either that, or she grows up, which ever comes first. In the mean time, find a storage locker for all your good stuff, and hold on for a rough time.

beth

I'm sorry to hear this. Maybe she just needs a cooling off period. It sounds like she thinks you're cheating. I do know that if my husband stayed out all night and didn't call, I'd be spitting nails. I think that I'd be clearing accounts the very next morning. Maybe you can apologize for not coming home and for making her worry. I know this is swallowing your pride and kissing up, but I can understand a little of this reaction, as I am an irrational woman at times. If you provide her with proof as to your whereabouts, she may soften up.

Really though, you need to ask yourself if your marriage is worth this misery, anyway. In the end, this might be the best thing for you. I do hope that this isn't the end. I hope resolve can be made. It seems quite sad to me.

Godless Dave

Brettc made a lot of good points, especially about going back home. If you're not careful she will retell this story to your kids, family, and friends with you as the bad guy, the guy who left. Everyone, especially your kids, needs to know that she is the one talking about breaking up your marriage, not you. You left for one night because she was yelling at you. Lots of spouses can sympathize with that. Her phone calls to you didn't exactly make it seem like she wanted you to come back, so you thought you'd chill until she had calmed down. You have tried to save the marriage. You suggested marital counseling but she refused to go. Meanwhile you met with the church pastor twice, and resumed going to church, and checked out the Unitarian church to see if it would be a good compromise for the two of you, and you wanted to go for additional Bible study, by yourself, just because you thought it was interesting. And she still got mad at you.

I do disagree with Brett on this point:
It seemed that way at first but Vicar is not only going to church he has had theological discussions with the pastor and expressed an interest in discussing theology with the other men in the church. Vicar has bent over backwards to accomodate his wife on the church issue. I think whatever is going on with his wife is going on entirely in her head, and not with the other church people.

I think that's it. She thinks she wants you to be like all the other church husbands. What she really wants is for you to be like the church husbands in her head. It's not enough that you're willing to explore Christianity, she wants you to do it exactly like she does - go to church, read what you're told, sing what you're told, go home, like everybody else. She's not intereseted in the actual religious aspect - that's why she's so threatened by the discussion group, because thinking and talking about Christianity doesn't gel with her personal idiosyncratic view of Christianity. I really think this view comes from inside her mind, not from the rest of the congregation.

HelenM

I'm sorry, Darren .

Helen

Splat

Sorry Darren. Really sorry.

I agree with Brett and Godless Dave. Don't let her have this--she can do way too much damage with it.

Meantime, get the meanest SOB lawyer in town and find out what your options are so she doesn't screw you blindsided.

BadBadBad

I think you misunderstood. I agree with your comments, and you summarized it very nicely. Darren has bent over backwards, he has compromised, and he has legitimately sought out a solution. I was making the comment that many of these fights have started up after SHE went to church or talked to church cronies.

My wife is going to church by herself without me and the kids. Every Sunday morning that she goes, I can see the look on her face whether we have a fight or not. The solution is not for me to go to church with her. The solution is not for her to split our family down the middle and drag the kids off for some good'ol Southern Baptist brainwashing, including the part about how poor dad's going to be with Satan soon. The solution is for her to drop this church shit, and enter into her closet, and when she hast shut her door, pray to her sky daddy which is in secret all she f*!@ing wants but leave the rest of us alone!

Vicar Philip

Appreciate everyone's advice, I really do.

I think at this point it would be unwise for me to return home. Today when she dropped off my stuff, she was very formal and rigid. I'm telling you guys, she's playing hardball. I feel that if I return home, it will do nothing but provoke her and lead to a fight in front of the kids. I don't think they need any further stress.

I am looking for a good lawyer, at least to get some initial advice.

FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!!

I can't believe it's me going through this.

She was such the damn martyr, too; acting as though because I was gone for one night I was effectively filing for divorce. Where does she get off? What's that song, "Gimme somethin' to break?" That's how I feel right now.