excreationist

Anna Karenina:
I think it is ok, but it would be best to raise the child as well as possible... e.g. have a lot of spare time and patience for them in their early and teen years. You should also encourage them to be independent as well (rather than doing everything for them and being nosy all the time) It would be a good idea to read books about raising kids I think... there are many different approaches though with their own pros and cons. (Not that I know much about it)

keyser_soze

I don't think it's about sex at all. I think the seeming sterility and anonymity of IVT is what is bothering her. I just want her to realize that it's a VERY short procedure(either way, as most men aren't exactly Mr. Endurance) and that the legal liabilities for one last into years, and possibly crushing of spirits, while the other is over and done with.

brighid

Anna,

Sorry I haven't had time to address your questions about egg donation.

I would not say it is the easiest process in the world, but it wasn't terribly painful. It took a little getting use to and the most difficult thing for me was having to give myself injections in the thigh or my abdomen (subcutaneous).

If you are an anonymous donor and not a woman seeking to harvest her own eggs you are paid anywhere between $3 and 5,000 US. I do not know the cost to harvest ones own eggs.

I was interviewed and given a complete physical. About 6 viles of blood were taken to test to see if I had HIV and other diseases, as well as a complete gynecological examine to determine my sexual health and test for any STD's. You have to be healthy to donate your eggs and they prefer younger women. I do not remember, but I believe if you are over 30 you are generally disqualified from donating your eggs because it is more difficult to get as many eggs from an older woman. I was 26 at the time. They want 10 or more eggs to be produced with the procedure.

I filled out information about my family medical history, their educational backgrounds and my own, hobbies and other extracirricular activities.

My donors only know me by that information and have no other information such as a name, address, social security number, etc.

I signed confidentiality agreements and signed away any rights I would have to my eggs, or any offspring produced from those eggs.

First I had to take birth control pills for 2 consecutive months without taking the placebo pills to sync my cycle up with the donor who chose me. After that I had to give myself injections of fertility drugs and go in once weekly for an internal ultrasound. The condition of my ovaries would determine if they needed to see me more, if the shots needed to be increased and to receive another shot in my hip. None of it was painful, just uncomfortable at times. The whole thing took about 10-12 weeks. I don't remember the details exactly anymore. Toward the end I have to give myself more injections a number of times a day (usually two or three in the morning and the same at night.) The injections did not hurt.

The harvesting procedure was the most uncomfortable, but not really painful. I know some women who experience more pain, but that is pretty subjective and a doctor cannot tell how much any woman may or may not feel. The doctor and his staff did a very thorough job of explaining aspect of the process to me. I was put into a semi-conscious state and the procedure took only a few minutes. A large needle (meaning long) is inserted through the vaginal wall to extract the eggs from the ovaries. I felt alot of pressure, but no real pain. Afterwards I had to stay in a recovery area for an hour or more, and a friend drove me home. I was uncomfortable for a few days and the worst part for me was when my body was coming back to normal from all the hormones. That really was the worst part because it took about 3 months for me to feel like I was back in sync with my own cycles.

IVF is very similar, except that you don't have to take the birth control pills. You would have to go through the same injections and some more once the eggs were implanted.

It isn't terribly easy and there are no guarantees. The "traditional" way is definately more pleasant But the end result is the same.

edited to add: Are there risks? Yes, just as any medical procedures carry risk. I don't believe, or atleast this is what the doctors told me, that there are any major risks. I know I was given a bunch of information and I simply do not recall all of that at this time. I know they seemed minor at the time and therefore I chose to proceed with the donation.

Here is a site that is pretty informative about the whole process from supression of your natural ovulation, to stimulation of the folicles, to extraction, transfer, implanation, etc.

http://www.ivfconnections.com/questions.htm

Here is some information about sperm donation

http://www.markhamfertility.com/sperm.htm

Here is a book that may interest some regarding the medical, legal and ethical issues of sperm donation
http://health.jbpub.com/catalog/0867204834/

Info on single parent adoption
http://adoption.about.com/cs/singleparents/

Because the laws in the UK differ then those in the US I do not have the knowledge to discuss those issues in a way I feel comfortable. If I were in your position I would consult an attorney, or do a thorough web search (actually both) and find out what problems can occur in your legal system with the arrangement you wish to have. What rights will the biological father have? How can you terminate his rights, or how can he, etc. ?

Brighid

dangin

Anna, I'm donating to a lesbian friend and her partner, I've never done it at a bank, because I can't find one in my area. I will have no legal ties to the child, but the child will know me as the source of its genes.

My friend says she wants the kid to know me well enough that he/she doesn't idolize some mythic father, that oughta take about a day.

Anna Karenina

I already know everything I wanted to know about the future father of my son (if he accepts). His intellectual and personal characteristics make him to be unique. He is wonderful and fascinating. I cannot describe with words how much I admire him.

You are presenting to me the worst scenario, when in fact all I have in my mind is the best scenario. I am not a naive woman, I have thought about him changing his mind in the future, and I really cannot see him as someone who could ever cause any harm to me or my child. That's why I chose him .

Anyway, I will talk to him about all the possible scenarios and I will suggest to sign an agreement. I still can decide not to get pregnant if somethings suddenly makes me to be suspicious.

I just described the kind of society where I live. I won't change my plans in order to satisfy those traditional standards.


I cannot stop my plans just because I have to think of someone else who does not even exist yet or who will never exist. Are you suggesting that it is better not to have a child because I could hurt someone else's feelings?, someone who I don't even know?

You are still presenting the worst scenario. I am optimistic.

I still can prevent that. If he changes his mind, I can face it. It will be paintful but I cannot choose a lonely and empty life for me just because I was afraid of facing a legal battle (when it might never happen).

I would like my child to have close contact with his father. This would be something I would appreciate.

I am full aware of this. Self sacrifice and losing my freedom are the most important things that made me think twice.

I still cannot see why it is so obvious to you that it will be a disaster. I already said to you that:

a) I am willing to share custody and
b) the father's identity is just as important as the child.

I won't choose another guy or another method. If he says so, then it is over. I am already very stress about this decision. I think I am not strong enough to follow the unconventional method to conceive.

Anna

Anna Karenina

This is exactly what I want to do. I want my child to know his father.

Did you have any conflict when they asked you to done sperm?

What did you think about it?

Would you ever ask for joint or full custody?

What kind of agreement did you signed?

I will appreciate your answers a lot.

Anna

Jamie_L

Anna,

I'm a late-comer to the thread, so forgive if I re-cover old ground.

First, the act of bringing a child into this world is almost always "selfish." People usually choose to become parents because they want children. I guess your fear is that it is more selfish in your case because you are having a child without the extra support of a second parent.

In general, I would say there is some morality attached to creating a life if parents have reason to believe that child's life will be unpleasant. However, no parent can create a perfect life for their child, so merely bringing a child into a "less than ideal" situation does not rise to the level of an immoral act.

With that said, I also happen to believe kids are better off with a good father and a good mother than with only one parent. Be it genetics or socialization, men and women (in general) interact with kids in different ways, and there are studies that suggest the way a good father interacts with a child creates good traits that a traditional good mother may have more difficulty creating. Plus, there's just the general benefit to the whole family of having a second parent to assist both the child and the other parent with all the trials and tribulations of family life.

But, again, that just means a single-parent situation may be less ideal than a two-parent situation. Clearly, single-parent families can produce happy human beings, and no one can say whether the world as a whole would be better or worse off if you did or did not have a child on your own. Ultimately there's just not enough evidence for anyone to say you are doing the "wrong" thing. So, it really just becomes a matter of personal choice.

As a parent myself, I would just encourage you to think through the ways in which you will get "down time" from parenting. Kids are demanding of time, attention, and sanity. Every parent needs a way to get away every now and then, to replenish their reserves. Don't underestimate the importance of that.

Otherwise, you just gotta do what you feel is best for you and your potential child.

Good luck.

Jamie

brighid

Anna,

I only present the worse case scenarios because my personal philosophy is to be prepared for the worst, but hope for (and take action) for the best. I also say these things because at the time I also took the very optimistic position and didn't know well enought (or even these possibilities existed) that the worst can and will happen. I mean no disrespect, but just to clearly point out the foreseeable consequences that are known to me as a woman who has been in the position you are contemplating.

I do not mean to suggest that this man you have chosen is a bad choice. I merely mean to illuminate the foreseeable pitfalls that can very well effect your future and that of any child.

As I have said before you are the ultimate arbitor of your chosen fate. You have to do what is right for you and in the end the opinions of others are just opinions. I do think chosing to have a child is one of the most enormous responsibilities any person (married, single, or otherwise) can make. I think people should look at the whole picture, not just what they want to see.

If you do not consider and at least partially plan for foreseeable harm it is my opinion that you are acting naively. I am actually an optimist, but at the same time I am practical. I have simply been screwed over too many times because I failed to plan and therefore I feel strongly about advising those seeking it (as you are here) to be aware and prepared for what is probable (and in some cases highly probable.)

I do not think you should base your decision about actually having a child on what may, or may not happen in the future. No one knows what the future holds, but we should be prepared and take action to avoid what we can reasonably know may very likely happen. That is why I have suggested the unconventional routes, AND if you chose the traditional route to have thoroughly thought through things you may not have yet considered - especially the legal aspects. They will come up I am sorry to say, except in the rarest of circumstances.

I do hope for the best in your situation. I hope that your chosen man will want to undertake the responsibilities you desire him to, and that those things don't change. Unfortunately, change is one thing you can count on.

Parenting is an amazing experience, truly unlike any other you can undertake. Single parenting has some benefits as well. I also don't believe you should not do something because patriarchial tradition dictates such. I am the white mother of a biracial child, a feminist, and atheist married to a white man, living in a conservative, republican community riddled with churches, working in an industry dominated by men in a position of power over many of them. I am anything but traditional. That does not mean you do not have to fight, or feel the sting of discrimination. It simply means you dawn your battle armour and learn to fight. You also learn to tell the patriarchial assholes to shuv it But that is just me.

I am sorry if my words have offended you, or stressed you out. That surely wasn't my intent. Please accept my apologies.

Brighid

Anna Karenina

Sorry, I forgot to answer this question. Although, I think that I have already answered it. There are two reasons:

The most important is that I have always thought that I would only have a child from someone who I deeply admire and love. I don't know about other people, but as a parent I think that we want our kids to be special and unique, different to the rest of the children. Being the son of someone so unique as this guy will make him different in a way.

And the second reason is that in vitro fertilisation, sperm banks, home insemination are not for me. I could't justify emotionally and morally that way of conception to myself and to my child.

Anna

Anna Karenina

I agree with that. If I could choose, I would always prefer to have a child in a normal family. But circumstances have not given me that choice. This was the only solution that I found.
It does not make me completely happy, but I think that just as any other human being I want to get the best of what life offers to me.

There is a lot of work to do.

Step by step.