AspenMama

Carrie-- I think this is a bad idea. If I had done that with my kids, I would be feeling dishonest. I always told my kids that many people including their daddy were religious, but I wasn't and this is why-- I think you will be handicapping your kids intellectually. Can you perhaps come up with a simple phrase to answer their "why" questions? Don't you think if they know you are an atheist, that your kids will worry about you going to hell too? I think you need to enable them-- give them the tools they need to think for themselves. They need to know why. What do you consider old enough?
It won't kill them, but it won't teach them to respect your belief system. Again, I think they will worry about you going to hell. That is a big thing to lay on a child. I'm sorry if I sound negative, but I agree with Michael-- you are as much a parent as your husband is--an unequal marriage will only make you unhappy in the long run.

Clutch

I think you should argue for neutrality until the kids are old enough to decide for themselves.

Something like, "Teaching kids religion when they are very young makes it look like you're worried -- worried that they wouldn't believe it unless it's fed to them at their most vulnerable and trusting stage. Aren't you confident that there are good reasons for believing? Then why not let those reasons compete on the open market, when the kids are old enough to make their own decisions? I'll step lightly around any positive arguments that there are no gods, if you'll not churchify them or get them praying or worried about Hell."

As usual, a lot of the pressure he'll feel is the same pressure you're feeling; not so much that the kids must be religious, as a worry of how he'll be judged by family and social group, if his kids aren't there in Sunday School.

Don't be surprised -- these are exactly the mechanisms of social conformity that have reinforced religion forever.

Karyn

My children sometimes go to church with their grandparents - my side is Southern Baptist, their father's side Pentacostal Holiness. The boys (twins age 7) don't seem to have any questions about it, but they know that their dad & I don't go to church, don't intend to, and don't go with our parents when we're visiting them. We just politely decline.
If any of the kids want to go, that's ok with us. After all, it's infrequent - they don't see the PH grandparents but about twice a year, & when we visit my parents, my mother won't ask if she can take the kids with her.
Sometimes my daughter (age 5) will ask questions about God & Jesus, and my answer always starts with "Some people believe..." If she's still interested when she gets older, we'll provide her with a balanced outlook.
You shoulda seen the Southern Baptists when I was a teenager, about 14 or 15, telling them that I planned to expose my children to all manner of religious beliefs and let them decide for themselves which, if any, they'd like to be a part of. Freaked 'em completely out

Carrie

Hmmm, well I guess I'll have to give this more thought. Yes, I guess in my fundie days I got used to the idea of submitting, so now I'm like, "well it won't be so bad," but it could be. I might hate it, or it might feel impossible to restrain myself. My husband and I still haven't had "the talk," so I have some time to think about what position I want to take. Thanks for the advice, I sure need it.

Proxima Centauri

Wait till your husband has got used to you not believing in God. Then later he can get used to the fact that you will tell your kids what you believe and why when they ask questions about God or atheism.
I don't think you have told us if you have kids yet.

dunadan

Carrie, I would just like to add another voice of caution about this. I would also like to preface my comments by saying that I don't know you, your husband, what your life is like, or anything about you except for some of your posts that I have seen. I am going to make some speculative comments, please do not take them personally if you disagree with them.

I am approaching you from a somewhat similar situation. I had a very serious girlfriend in college that was a fundy. I was non-religious at the time, but had not made a study of my beliefs or learned how to defend them. I did my very best to respect her and her beliefs, to the point that I would avoid talking about some things because I knew it would cause problems. As much as we loved each other, there were some very deep issues and conflicts that avoiding could only delay. The possibility of children was always contentious. Things started coming out in small ways at first. Eventually the message became 'get saved or get out.' It takes two people willing to compromise to have a succesful relationship. Our relationship ended because of her faith, something which I have always felt bitter about, although I know that it was for the best.

Right now, you have recently made huge shift in your beliefs. You may be feeling a little guilty (i.e. your husband didn't 'sign up' to be married to a non-christian.) You have a desire to be conciliatory, to give his beliefs respect, and allow him to set the 'moral framework' for the household. There is a fundamental problem with this approach. One thing that I found out about myself when I became a dedicated secularist (compared to my earlier non-theism) was that I had an immense thirst for knowledge, to learn as much as I could and draw my own conclusions about moral, religious and spiritual issues. As time goes on, you will learn more and become stronger in your beliefs. Issues that may seem like a logical compromise now may not be so in 5 or 6 years when your potential children are ready to go to school. Beliefs are very personal and important things, and there is always a desire than to see your children grow and learn, to follow in your footsteps. It is natural. But you and your husband are now light years apart in your conception of the universe. What may now seem like a common-sense compromise may become extremely contentious in the future.

I would encourage you to learn more about your new beliefs, and not to try and hide them or subjugate them for the sake of domestic tranquility. Just be aware that, especially in the beginning, you are still acquiring the logical tools and evidence you need to be fully confident in yourself. You can always bring your issues and concerns here to the forums(like you just did!) There are some very caring and concerned people here that will try and help you in any way they can.

In the end, it is important to keep in mind that it may not be your desires which determine the course of your life and relationships. Unfortunately, your husband is still apparently a religious absolutist, and the ability to compromise or find a middle ground may not rest in your hands. I say this not only out of observation, but personal experience. In my case, I regretted my early choice of conciliation, because by trying to be the one to compromise, the one to subjugate my beliefs for the good of the relationship, I gave her the perception of moral superiority. By the time I realized what a mistake I had made, years had gone by, and there was no way of resolving our differences. I took the 'easy' road, avoided conflict for the sake of love, and in the end it cost me a relationship that I had always hoped would be life long. We may have never been able to work out our differences, but now I must live the rest of my life knowing that because of my unwillingness to make a hard decision, to confront beliefs I knew to be false, we never really got the chance.

I'm sorry if this sounds very depressing or fatalistic. If it is of any comfort, on of my best friends went through the same thing as you - they were both fundamentalist xtians, his wife deconverted, but they maintained their honesty and openness, and now are both happily married atheists. That could not have been an easy road for them, and I am sure that they had many pits and landmines to work around, but the one thing they have always known is that they loveeach other more than anything else in the world. Even God could not stand between them. I have the deepest and most profound respect for them, for having the courage that I lacked. You have a long and difficult road ahead. I hope the very best for you.

Richard1366

My approach would be to tell them:

I've got good news and bad news.

The good news is that I've given up my protestant fundamentalism

The bad news... I'm an atheist

dunadan

Shouldn't that be: The bad news... You're not an atheist, YET!

Actually though, you know sometimes I think it is easier for a fundamentalist to deconvert than a 'casual believer,' because the fundy is so much more immersed in trying to make it all 'true.' To the 'casual believer,' it is just something you do on Sundays unless you are too hung over.

Jewel

Actually, I would say that's good news and good news

Captain Howdy

tell them. It was very difficult for me to live a lie. Before dealing with your family, you must first deal with yourself. How can you do that if you live a lie.

Tell them. There might be some terrible consequences, but tell them anyway.




Good luck!