Illithid

Whatcha eatin' under there?

Under where?

Underwear? You're eating underwear!

Calzaer

Q: How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?

A: They rearranged the furniture.


Q: How did Helen Keller burn her hands?

A: She tried to read a waffle iron.

***

Elephant Jokes!

Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?

A: "Look at the elephants coming over the hill!"

Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill in sunglasses?

A: Nothing; he didn't recognize them.


Q: Why do ducks have flat feet?

A: From stomping out forest fires.

Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?

A: From stomping out flaming ducks.


Q: Why do elephants paint their balls red?

A: To hide in apple trees.

Q: What's the loudest sound in the forest?

A: Squirrels eating apples.


Q: What do you get when you cross a hippopotamus, an elephant, and a rhino?

A: The heliphino! (sounds like "hell if I know")

Random joke:
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Impatient Cow!
Impatient Cow wh--
MOOOO!

...then we got to high school....

Q: What's the difference between a tribe of jungle pygmies and [insert rival school]'s girls track team?

A: One's a pack of cunning runts.


Q: What's the difference between a nun and a blonde taking a bath?

A: One has hope in her soul.

{The top two require you to fill in the second half of the punchline by rearranging a specific pair of letters in the given half, just in case anyone didn't get it}

...edit... and then we got to college (true story my dad told me about a 'friend of his')...

"Mom, if you call your fraternity your frat, what do you call your country?"

Chicken Girl

Q. How did Chicken Girl burn her arm?

A. She tried to reach over a waffle iron.

MJones

Q: What color are elephant farts?
A: BLUE!!!

Q: What color are mosquito farts?
A: Pink.

And one along the same lines I made up:

Q: What color are telephone farts?
A: Green!! Green!!!

Dirty Dog

Strawberry

Are you a PT?

(If the person says yes, "HA! You're a pregnant teenager!" and if they say no, "You're not potty trained?")

And then, since I'm a music geek, the ones my first orchestra conductors told us when we were 9 and thought they were hilarious:

What do you get when you drop a piano on a mine shaft?
A flat minor.

What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?
A flat major.

What's the difference between a viola and an onion?
Nobody cries when you cut up the viola.

What do you have if you put 50 violists on a rocket to the moon?
A good start.

Entropic_Gnosis

and to continue in the spirit of musical jokes . . . . . .

how do you tune 2 oboes? Shoot one.

Whats a bassoon good for? Firewood

english horn? kindling!

sorry all you double read people out there . . . . .

Walking through the forrest a woman say the following: a dragon, bigfoot, an honest politician and 2 picclo players that were playing in tune......all of these have one thing in common .. . . .they are immaginary.


Fritz and Johann were digging in the hills outside Vienna one day and started joking around.

Fritz: You know, i hear they burried Mozart out here.

Johann: really?

Fritz: Ja, but they dont know where exactly because it was an unmarked grave.

Johann: hmmmm.

so they keep digging and the like for several hours, they are not too bright so they dont give up at whatever it is that they were digging for. Anyway, Johann in his digging manages to hit something that has a hollow wooden sound.

Johann: Fritz! i just hit something! Do you think . .. . . . .

Fritz: Thats impossible! it cant be . . . .

They keep digging and unearth a coffin.

Frtiz: Johann! i cannot believe this!!!! Its amazing!!

Johann: I know!!!! Imagine that!!!!!!!

Soon a sound is heard in the box and the lid opens up and a very decayed Mozart sits up.

W.A. Mozart: Would you fools keep it down! Im decomposing!!!


yes its a horrid joke but we had fun telling it

Strawberry

Hehe. I could do this all day.

What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?
A bull has the horns in the front and the asshole in the back.

What's the definition of a minor 2nd?
2 violists playing in unison

I'm stoping now...I promise...bad me. These are terrible.

Treacle Worshipper

As an ex-violist, I would just like to say:

What's the difference between lightning & a viola-player's fingers?

Lightning sometimes strikes the same place twice.



TW

Monkey

Q: What's green and sits in the corner.

A: The incredible sulk.

vicesboy

Who could forget....

Knock Knock! ... Who's There?
Banana ... Banana Who?
Knock Knock! ... Who's There?
Banana ... Banana Who?
Knock Knock! ... Who's There?
Banana ... Banana Who?
Knock Knock! ... Who's There?
Banana ... Banana Who?
Knock Knock! ... Who's There?
Banana ... Banana Who?
Knock Knock! ... Who's There?
Banana ... Banana Who?
Knock Knock! ... Who's There?
Orange ... Orange Who?
Orange you glad I didn't say Banana!



And here's one of our favorites..Say this out loud...at least three times

"Eye yam we Todd did, eye yam sofa king we Todd did."

If you don't get it...say it to someone without letting them see the words, heheheheh