Bree

Is it possible for you to take a two-week cooling off period from each other? Perhaps have the children stay at a nearby relatives house, and each of you stay separately - away from the house? A friend of mine did that when they were contemplating divorce, and it helped clear their heads. That way there were no turf-wars, and you couldn't use the children as bait or emotional weaponry against one another.

admice

It sounds like a good idea to make her aware of the impact of her spending by making her handle her checkbook and bills. I don't think the power play of it will help your marriage, but it sounds like that's not an issue with you either anymore.

Just fyi, legally, even if you have accounts in separate names, as long as you are married and don't have a legal separation or divorce decree, either one of you is responsible for payment (that means if she defaults, you can be held liable for the bills).

In the case where you get a decree of separation, some creditors won't honor it, seeing it as an agreement between spouses.

take care

Proxima Centauri

This silent treatment game is one I know well. My Father used to play it a lot. Played for days at a time the game is dangerous. Eventually any type of social contact, even dysfunctional social contact becomes less unpleasant than no social contact. Take care that your behaviour is reasonable, (sorting out the finances looks reasonable as may be sorting out sleeping arrangements).
When your wife’s behaviour becomes unreasonable (even more unreasonable) see that you have a hidden microphone and tape recorder ready. You can, perhaps, say you need to go to the toilet. You set up the tape recorder and microphone in your pocket while you are there. You are ready to record all the sh*t that gets thrown at you when you get back to her.

Proxima Centauri

You could try an online support group dealing with marital breakdown. I used the GOOGLE Search Engine and looked for, "divorce+support group+US" I found a few which might be good but I can't take responsibility for them. You are intelligent. Beware anything which guarantees to save your marriage for a high price. That looks too good to be true. You could try discussing suggestions from any new group with us.
It may be better not to tell your new group that you are an atheist. There is a great deal of prejudice against atheism in the US. A specialist support group dealing with marital breakdown will know things which we don't know.
A large part of the problem is your atheism. You will need a great deal of continuing support from us over that.

Proxima Centauri

I don't know what happened with the Native American student and the Indian Chief mascot. Did you witness the debate or did you only hear your wife's account? Your wife "was devastated, cried for a week, and felt humiliated and small. Perhaps your atheism did not cause her breakdown. Perhaps she was already starting to break down before your deconversion.
Are there any doctors/therapists who know your wife, who knew her during previous breakdowns and can advise you? Are there any doctors/therapists who can advise you or your lawyer about your wife's suitability to be sole carer for the children?

Vicar Philip

Peace has returned to the Vicar household. So has lots of unbridled sex.

She actually forwarded an e-mail to a friend of hers in which I had written to her about getting together with some of our friends from church to talk about non-theistic ways to approach religion. I also asked her last night if she would still go to the UU church, and she agreed.

In that aforementioned e-mail, I told her that this small group we could get together would be a study that I wanted to lead. I'm using a book written by John A.T. Robinson entitled Honest to God, a book about how Christianity has to change its basis away from a "being" god to a "life" god. To be clear to everyone, I don't agree with calling something "God" just to appease Christians; however, in this case, I'm willing to do it with my wife and some close friends to SAVE MY MARRIAGE. Besides that, it will shock them and encourage intelligent conversation about their beliefs and religion. I can't see anything wrong with that.

B.shack, the Indian problem, I believe, was simply a trigger for what happened. My wife had just gone to work full-time, during the day, for the first time since we started having children. She soon found that being a "working mom" was not nearly as glamorous as she thought, and she missed greatly her life at home with our three-year old and the regular, secure life affirmations that come with staying at home. She misses it, and will thankfully quit her job in a few weeks and just keep her night job. I believe the job, more than the religion, was the real stress that lead to a lot of the strife we encountered.

Gotta go to work, I'll write more later today.

Thanks y'all.

Vicar

HelenM

<PHEW>

Sounds great...I do hope it continues this way!

Keep us posted!

Helen

Hobbs

Ah, so that's why you haven't read my PM yet.

Proxima Centauri

Vicar Philip has said

If the reconciliation doesn't last long renew the threat to make these financial changes. Carry out the threat if necessary.

Vicar Philip has said
Your former Pastor, the man you respect, was trying to get you to accept a definition of God along those lines. He hoped that would save your marriage. I feel he was well motivated. The Christians around you probably think you are alone without secular support. If you were alone in this way you would quite likely eventulally come to see yourself as a theist again with an impersonal definition of God. You would become loyal to Churches and Pastors again.
We will help you stay logical when God is defined in a way indistinguishible from impersonal forces believed in by atheists. To save your marriage a little pretending looks like very much a good thing.

Vicar Philip has said
Could the frequent quarrels and reconciliations be to confuse you so you are disorientated and easily brainwashed? Does she hope to bring you back to Jebus that way? Fortunately you have secular support. Hold on. Bear the disorientation. Your marriage is worth saving.

Rhea

Holy Crap what a roller-coaster.