Freethought & Rationalism Archive

muon · 05-15-2003, 06:38 AM

Darren, I have said many times on this thread that you needed to see a lawyer to protect yourself in case your wife files for divorce.

Today I'm going to go one further ... you need to file for divorce. Your wife is violent, controlling, and manipulative, and from everything you've told us about her, you are your children would be better off without her.

You are not going to get off that roller coaster any other way. I'm very sorry.

brighid · 05-15-2003, 06:48 AM

WOW � Roller coaster ride is quite an apt description of your relationship. IMO your wife seems to need individual therapy to help her deal with her anger, resentment and feelings of insecurity as these things seems to be drastically affecting your marriage. Are you both still attending marriage counseling?

I personally think your wife was testing you with the dramatic car incident. If it ever comes up again, I would personally let her get out, storm or no storm. She would be back to senses shortly after her first fright and you could simply pull over a bit down the road and tell her you will wait there until she comes to her senses OR you could simply let her throw her childish temper tantrum and deal with the consequences of her own actions. I do understand why you wouldn�t want to leave her in tornado like conditions! She is acting like a petulant child and one of about the age of 3 or 4!

Maybe you can discuss parenting strategies a bit more by presenting hypothetical situations and one another�s expectations of the other�s behavior/reactions. It seems she has expectations that you aren�t aware of and becomes offended when you don�t live up to those expectations.

I am not sure I understand your wife�s reasoning about not telling anyone about your new job in order to weed out any town gossip. That isn�t exactly the kind of thing the hatemonger gossips really take hold of. Frankly, it isn�t juicy enough � and ooohhhh � how tantalizing that you are taking a job, closer to home, with more pay so you can have more time to spend with your family and more money for their future � you godless, immoral, heathen you! If anything this is exactly the type of information you want to feed those tiresome, old bitties with nothing better to do then talk about everyone else�s business: look at MY husband, the intelligent, caring, good, thoughtful provider � what has your husband done for you lately?

Unfortunately, no matter what you do in your life if there isn�t something interesting going on in your life those type of people have very imaginative ways of creating stories about what is �REALLY� going on in your life. So I learned along time ago to just go on with life, not give two shits what those types of people say because they never get it right anyway. Furthermore, I am always amazed and even entertained about the things attributed to me. The sex life I have in the minds of others is really, really quite entertaining and worthy of some orgiastic porn flick. Reality is quite a bit tamer!

I don�t really have any advice, but you do have my sympathies. It�s very difficult to deal with, but at the same time you become so conditioned to these sorts of dramas you learn to cope. It�s also hard when you love that person and want to do all you can to help them through their difficulties. Only you can decide what your threshold of tolerance for that is.

As I have said before I think she needs to be exposed to what it is like to truly have a BAD husband: one who cheats, who abuses her and her children physically, verbally or otherwise, one who can�t hold a job, who doesn�t provide for the family, who is unwilling to help or meet her halfway � the list is endless. Maybe I can hook her up (not in a relationship sense) with some of my ex�s for a bit, or tell her the hell I went through with my son�s father so she can gain some perspective!

Brighid

Godless Dave · 05-15-2003, 07:14 AM

I don't have any advice, just the observation I've made before. Your wife needs help. If she's not willing to seek it there is nothing you can do for her. At best she is immature - grown-ups should discuss their emotions, not throw temper tantrums. At worst she has some kind of personality disorder.

Proxima Centauri · 05-15-2003, 07:29 AM

Sorry to hear the tantrums have restarted. Just try and be a bit distant and a bit unrewarding for a time after each tantrum. That way she won't be rewarded for silly behaviour.

:banghead:

HelenM · 05-15-2003, 07:46 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Vicar Philip
Vicar is getting pretty tired of riding the roller coaster. I know what you guys are going to say, I just had to continue documenting this pathetic saga. Talk to ya later.

Could you tell the class teacher about these things (just in the presence of you and her or you and your wife and her) and see if she has any suggestions? Do you think your wife would be really angry if you did that?

It seems like the other times your wife has gone to such emotional extremes, she's realized afterwards that she acted inappropriately. I hope that happens. I realize it doesn't help, though, when you're in the midst of it.

Helen

Proxima Centauri · 05-15-2003, 08:14 AM

I get the feeling the times you were a bit distant and a bit unrewarding after a tantrum are the times she's realized later that she acted inappropriately. Looks like that's the way to go on. Give her plenty of comfort when she's not in a tantrum. She needs it.
Helen's suggestion that you discuss this with the class teacher looks like a good one too.
At least this time it isn't about f***ing religion.

Queen of Swords · 05-15-2003, 08:50 AM

Your wife should be made to realize that hitting people is not acceptable behavior, ever. Hell, I've seen fundamentalist websites which say, "don't spank your kids if you're angry". As for hitting you in the head, well, my first thought when I read this was, "If I had a husband who did that to me, I'd have to call the police to save him before I beat him silly."

I hope things improve for you.

Goliath · 05-15-2003, 09:04 AM

oser,

Quote:

you need to file for divorce. Your wife is violent, controlling, and manipulative, and from everything you've told us about her, you are your children would be better off without her.

You are not going to get off that roller coaster any other way. I'm very sorry.

I said the same thing many, many, many pages ago. It's unfortunate for Darren and his children that we are being ignored.

Sincerely,

Goliath

Godless Dave · 05-15-2003, 09:17 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by B.Shack
I get the feeling the times you were a bit distant and a bit unrewarding after a tantrum are the times she's realized later that she acted inappropriately. Looks like that's the way to go on. Give her plenty of comfort when she's not in a tantrum. She needs it.

This is a good observation. Your wife does not want to argue in these situations, she wants to vent. Just keep your cool and don't argue. If she demands a response from you, tell her she is having a tantrum and you'll be happy to talk to her when she has calmed down.

Proxima Centauri · 05-15-2003, 09:21 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by oser
Darren, I... you need to file for divorce.

Quote:

Originally posted by Goliath
oser,

I said the same thing many, many, many pages ago. It's unfortunate for Darren and his children that we are being ignored.

Sincerely,

Goliath

The trouble is, those fundy United States judges might award custody of the children to that she dragon wife. After all... that she dragon is a Christian.

05-15-2003, 08:50 AM	#817
Queen of Swords Contributor Join Date: Nov 2000 Location: Canada. Finally. Posts: 10,155	Re: Re: Roller Coaster Your wife should be made to realize that hitting people is not acceptable behavior, ever. Hell, I've seen fundamentalist websites which say, "don't spank your kids if you're angry". As for hitting you in the head, well, my first thought when I read this was, "If I had a husband who did that to me, I'd have to call the police to save him before I beat him silly." I hope things improve for you.

Thread Tools	Search this Thread
Show Printable Version	Search this Thread: Advanced Search

05-15-2003, 06:38 AM	#811
muon Veteran Member Join Date: Aug 2001 Posts: 1,767	Darren, I have said many times on this thread that you needed to see a lawyer to protect yourself in case your wife files for divorce. Today I'm going to go one further ... you need to file for divorce. Your wife is violent, controlling, and manipulative, and from everything you've told us about her, you are your children would be better off without her. You are not going to get off that roller coaster any other way. I'm very sorry.

05-15-2003, 06:48 AM	#812
brighid Veteran Member Join Date: Apr 2001 Location: somewhere in the known Universe Posts: 6,993	WOW � Roller coaster ride is quite an apt description of your relationship. IMO your wife seems to need individual therapy to help her deal with her anger, resentment and feelings of insecurity as these things seems to be drastically affecting your marriage. Are you both still attending marriage counseling? I personally think your wife was testing you with the dramatic car incident. If it ever comes up again, I would personally let her get out, storm or no storm. She would be back to senses shortly after her first fright and you could simply pull over a bit down the road and tell her you will wait there until she comes to her senses OR you could simply let her throw her childish temper tantrum and deal with the consequences of her own actions. I do understand why you wouldn�t want to leave her in tornado like conditions! She is acting like a petulant child and one of about the age of 3 or 4! Maybe you can discuss parenting strategies a bit more by presenting hypothetical situations and one another�s expectations of the other�s behavior/reactions. It seems she has expectations that you aren�t aware of and becomes offended when you don�t live up to those expectations. I am not sure I understand your wife�s reasoning about not telling anyone about your new job in order to weed out any town gossip. That isn�t exactly the kind of thing the hatemonger gossips really take hold of. Frankly, it isn�t juicy enough � and ooohhhh � how tantalizing that you are taking a job, closer to home, with more pay so you can have more time to spend with your family and more money for their future � you godless, immoral, heathen you! If anything this is exactly the type of information you want to feed those tiresome, old bitties with nothing better to do then talk about everyone else�s business: look at MY husband, the intelligent, caring, good, thoughtful provider � what has your husband done for you lately? Unfortunately, no matter what you do in your life if there isn�t something interesting going on in your life those type of people have very imaginative ways of creating stories about what is �REALLY� going on in your life. So I learned along time ago to just go on with life, not give two shits what those types of people say because they never get it right anyway. Furthermore, I am always amazed and even entertained about the things attributed to me. The sex life I have in the minds of others is really, really quite entertaining and worthy of some orgiastic porn flick. Reality is quite a bit tamer! I don�t really have any advice, but you do have my sympathies. It�s very difficult to deal with, but at the same time you become so conditioned to these sorts of dramas you learn to cope. It�s also hard when you love that person and want to do all you can to help them through their difficulties. Only you can decide what your threshold of tolerance for that is. As I have said before I think she needs to be exposed to what it is like to truly have a BAD husband: one who cheats, who abuses her and her children physically, verbally or otherwise, one who can�t hold a job, who doesn�t provide for the family, who is unwilling to help or meet her halfway � the list is endless. Maybe I can hook her up (not in a relationship sense) with some of my ex�s for a bit, or tell her the hell I went through with my son�s father so she can gain some perspective! Brighid

05-15-2003, 07:14 AM	#813
Godless Dave Contributor Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: With 10,000 lakes who needs a coast? Posts: 10,762	I don't have any advice, just the observation I've made before. Your wife needs help. If she's not willing to seek it there is nothing you can do for her. At best she is immature - grown-ups should discuss their emotions, not throw temper tantrums. At worst she has some kind of personality disorder.

05-15-2003, 07:29 AM	#814
Proxima Centauri Veteran Member Join Date: Jan 2002 Location: England, the EU. Posts: 2,403	Sorry to hear the tantrums have restarted. Just try and be a bit distant and a bit unrewarding for a time after each tantrum. That way she won't be rewarded for silly behaviour. :banghead:

05-15-2003, 08:14 AM	#816
Proxima Centauri Veteran Member Join Date: Jan 2002 Location: England, the EU. Posts: 2,403	I get the feeling the times you were a bit distant and a bit unrewarding after a tantrum are the times she's realized later that she acted inappropriately. Looks like that's the way to go on. Give her plenty of comfort when she's not in a tantrum. She needs it. Helen's suggestion that you discuss this with the class teacher looks like a good one too. At least this time it isn't about f***ing religion.

Freethought & Rationalism Archive

The archives are read only.