theIPU

Two days ago my mom invited two kids over. That night they went into a nearby house and stole something as a "joke". They asked me to go with them, and I refused. I told them not to take it and when they brought it back I said that they should give it back. The next day the people in the nearby house came looking for it and my parents found about what had happened. My parents are now punishing me because what the kids my mom had invited over did. Is it my fault?

The Other Michael

Hello theIPU,

We'd need to know what expectations your parents had of you to know if you are at fault.

While your actions to discourage/remonstrate with the others are fine, I think what you are being punished for is an error of omission. Your parents probably think that you should have told them 1) that the others used their home as a base for an illegal action and 2) that stolen property was present in their home (since it sounds like they discovered the property in the house - your post isn't quite clear on that point).

Your parents may have invited the people over, but it seems unlikely they did so with the knowledge of what they were going to do.

What do you think? Is it reasonable for your parents to have the expectation that you'd take those extra steps of notifying them? If not, why not? Where do you see your responsibilities actually ending?

FYI, I considered moving this to MD, but I think we can probably get a bit of a discussion on moral/ethical responsibilities out of this.

cheers,
Michael

ImGod

Let a little time go by and ask them. They may think you were in on the plot, think that you knew about it and didn't come forward, or be mad at themselves and are passing it on to you.

It's reasonable for you to understand exactly why they are punishing you. The conversion may also show them a level of maturity in you that they have overlooked.

You never know with parents. But as my wife always says "You don't get, if you don't ask".

theIPU

I think it's unreasonable that I am being punished because 1) I didn't do anything wrong, I just stayed at my house 2) I told them they should give the stolen item back (Isn't that a good thing???)

Is it reasonable for your parents to have the expectation that you'd take those extra steps of notifying them- well my parents have that expectation and to them it's reasonable. I don't think I had to notify them (parents) that the kids stole something because it's the kids' fault if they get in trouble. I had nothing to do with stealing the item so why should I have to report it. I just wanted to avoid getting in trouble myself, I didn't care what they did because they would be the ones to blame, not me. Now that I'm taking some heat for "not telling my parents when I should have" I'm pretty pissed off.

theIPU

Why? I'm being punished right now and I would like to stop it as soon as possible. No, they don't. Yes Yes, a little bit.

NearNihil Experience

Um, you're not the police. Its not your job to prevent crime. You actually went out of your way to prevent it by trying to reason with them. Your loyalties are your own business...to your friends, your parents, or the neighbors who had something stolen, its all up to you.

Go easy on your parents. Don't inflame anything. Parents are often unreasonable and immature. This is because they have only matured as parent for as long as you(or possibly an older sibling) have been around. I realized one time that in concordance as I matured at being an offspring, so too did my parents mature at being parents. There's no manual and experience comes as it comes.

But, do not take any shit from anyone...even your parents...especially your parents. respect should be a two way street, but often the authority bug makes sure respect only goes one way...to them. You sound like a good kid. Honest and up-front may work wonders.

If not, may I suggest subtle revenge on your "so-called" friends and associated unreasonable parties? Not malicious and blatant, but just enough to make you feel better about the whole situation. But only after everything else has failed.
(Semi-kidding)

But you had better get used to this kind of treatment. Often this is how things work outside the homelife. The Law is immature and callous and so too its figures and authorities.

good luck friend.

ImGod

To clarify, I think you need to talk to your parents about why you are being punished after they cool down. They may go easier on you when they can hear your side without it going through their mad filter.

Based on your other posts, you are being charged by your parents as an accessory because you didn't come forward to stop it. That can happen in the real world too.

I've taken one for the team in my youth to keep from being labeled a snitch. I may not have for these kids, but I don't know your relationship to them and I wasn't there. Pay the price and move on.

Next time, these guys to something similar I'd squeal like a pig.

Jennie

Speaking as a parent, you did have the obligation to inform them of what happened; just as an adult has the obligation to report a crime that they know happened to the police. In reality, things are flexible, certainly I don't call the cops when I see someone jaywalking; but I would for more serious crimes. I even pull over when I witness an accident, which you are also supposed to do.

Some of the fuzziness surrounding the issue here are what was your relationship to these kids? Were they kids your parents thought were your friends or ones they volunteered you to babysit, and were your parents home at the time? Adults rarely invite kids to simply come over to their house.

Nowhere357

If your friends announced that they planned to commit a rape or a murder, would your reactions have been different? If so, why?

trillian

IPU,

I tend to agree with your parents on this one. If there are people in YOUR house doing something illegal and you don't say anything, it's wrong. Telling them to stop or return it doesn't matter. In most states parents are liable for actions taken while they are "on watch" so they have a definite right to be concerned that you allowed this behavior in their home (yes, even if they simply brought the "goods" back to your house)

How would you feel if you had a little brother who had 2 friends over. The 2 friends decided to steal your best friend's bird (who lives next door). The 2 take it and let it fly away. Your little bro says DONT! DON'T! but they do it anyway. How pissed off would you be if he didn't tell you?

Imagine searching with your friend for hours and hours while your little bro keeps his mouth shut. sheeesh!

If that analogy doesn't work for you, just think of the Catholic Church and them "keeping quiet" about all that abuse.

You may not have comitted a crime, but you didn't do the right thing IMO.

All that said, I hope they are lenient on you in the end.

trillian