Opera Nut

Mom is dying. Went in Friday afternoon. She is in Progressive care ICU. Has a PAP breathing machine pushing air in and out of her lungs. Got a jugular line put in today. Mostly just old age (81) and being sedentary. Only think keeping her alive is the pacemaker I suppose. They are feeding her some solid food and she can talk when she is awake some.
Today she said "Anybody that feeds me green beans is a jackass!!" Thay were on her plate. So we decided she was feeling good if she was calling someone a jackass. &8^D

Dad died 2 years ago from quick cancer. Big sister died 12 years ago from brain cancer, age 42. So I have been through some of this already, the only immediate family left is me and my daughter.

We were all raised Scots-Irish Presby and Mom, Dad and Grandmother all concluded there is no afterlife, and they have all been agnostic or atheist. I'm a Unitarian of the same type.

Coming from a family of huggers and kissers, I know that it all boils down to three little words "I love you."

Loving your family and friends and being there and telling them you love them often. I read something on the bombing anniversary about what people say on their cell phones when they know they are going to die. I love you.


So our family motto is "Thank you for giving a shit".


I knew this already but I guess a lot of people had to be jolted by the terrorist bombings to realize that you have to TELL people that.

Mom has been staying with me for several months and i have been taking care of her. I did some griping about things she did when I was young that I did not like, but decided that I needed to remind her of what she taught me that was useful, like how to cook a roast, how to cook good stuff , in general, and how to sew, and names of plants and how to take care fo them. All this so she wouldn't feel like her life was a total waste since she's kinda bitter about things.

Last night I went to my 30th high school reunion and had fun. I didn't see anybody from orchestra, Latin or biology class which were the main things I was into. But I did have a good time.

Unfortunately the DJ wasn't real good and didn't play our class song -- IMAGINE.

Viti

What a great post. I am sorry for your impending loss, but thank you for the reminder May her passing be peaceful.

[ September 29, 2002: Message edited by: LadyShea ]</p>

Opera Nut

Thanks for the sympathy. A couple of people have said they will pray for her, and at a time like this I am NOT going to get indignant about it. It shows that they do care about me/her. So I thank them for it.

The only thing that got me to work thru my sister's death was going to Compassionate Friends meetings. The regular meetings (parents) and also the sibling groups were both helpful.

Mom is better than we thought it would be. We thought that when she was mvoed to ICU she was in a coma or something cuz they described it as a "change of consciousness". But she was mostly just asleep. It's kinda tough to go see her, but the worst was watching my sister shrivel up and have strokes and get paralysed. She was in a coma for the last 3 days and in Cheyne-Stokes respiration -- which to me is the most horrible sound in the world (it's a feedback loop when the resp centers of the brain are failing).


Tonight I drove out to my old hood to tell a couple of the neighbors in person that she was qutie ill.
Now that I am about to become an orphan, 47 seems awfully mature now. Dad was 44 when I was born, mom was 34, so I had middle aged parents.

sakrilege

Your story is similar to my mate's who is not yet 50 and has no immediate relatives. He lost his mother early, his dad just after college and his only brother died this year. But he does share your philosophy and pays attention to people and shows his appreciation for what they mean to him and therefore has a ton of friends.

You are correct, it is more important to remember the good things than it is the bad as you are doing with your mom.

Take care, Susan

lunachick

Hey, Opera Nut. Sorry to hear about your mum. I sincerely hope that when the time comes, her passing is peaceful. John Donne once wrote "Great sorrows cannot speak". The passing of a loved one is always difficult, even when it is expected. Take care, Opera Nut. Love is never easy to let go of. I wish you, and your mum, all the best.

Regards,
Petra.

ksagnostic

((((opera nut))))

I wish you the best possible outcome under bad circumstances, with a minimum of pain for your mother. It sounds like you are approaching this so well.

Opera Nut

THanks guys and girls. Your concern is muchly appreciated.

&8^D

Went to see her this afternoon. She is much improved. They sucked 600 ml of fluid out of her abdomen that was pushing on her lung. She is now on the BiPAP machine at night only. Today they did not give her her drugs so the speech therapist evaluated her swallowing and they decided she could eat a bit more solid food. Yesterday they put in a large bore line in her jugular vein and are giving her electrolytes as well as the glucose & normal saline.

My daughter, BF and I went to see her and she was sitting up talking and she is pink. So she may have a few more days or weeks, I don't know. I am not used to people that are that sick getting better. I am used to this inexorable downhill slide towards death, like my sister did with her incurable brain cancer.

Thanks again people. I feel like a big weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I can cope again (plus some Effexor helps somewhat).

Opera Nut

Hey KansasAgnostic, I see you are in Wichita. Didja know that famous operatic bass Sam Ramey is a graduate of Wichita State and comes from Colby??

I spent a fond summer at music camp in Lawrence, way back in high school. So I have Jayhawk stickers on my fiddle case. That was the first time I had been on the campus of a humongous state school.

Richard1366

Sorry for the insertion of a bit of a rant, but why are so many people afraid to use the word "death" or "died."

"I am sorry for his passing..." when you die you don't pass, you die and are placed in the ground, case closed. "I am sorry for his death.." is somehow so much better.

"He lost his mother..." no he didn't lose his mother, she died, was buried and they probably put a large stone over the burial spot with her name on it so they know exactly where she is. "His mother died..." is a much better description of what actually happened.

Opera Nut

Mom passed on peacefully Sunday afternoon about 5:30 pm. She was 81. Her heart stopped (nodes quit sending signal to pacemaker) and she stopped breathing. She had been in the hospital for 8 days in ICU.

They put in the feeding toob in the stomach on Thursday and I just saw this downward spiral and thinking "This ain't no life." It was merciful.

I'm having her cremated per her wishes. I told her sister who is a Methodist who said she was worried about mom's soul, and said that I should think about it. I thought "Oh no my aunt has turned into a fundy. we need to have this little discussion later." Guess I'll have to tell my aunt that I have seen no evidence in my life that prayer does anything, or that there is a god who listens to us, or anything like that.

Mom was basically an atheist/agnostic and so was dad, although mom was raised Presby, Dad was raised Congregationalist in Ohio and I was raised Presby.
Of course I am sad, but I am also very relieved. I did the best I could to take care of her while she lived with me for a few months.