dangin

Hi AK,

I think you should go ahead and have a relationship with him. But get your sperm elsewhere, so his legal requirements are not an issue. Either I or Yguy will send you some, I'm sure.

I'm 6'5" (What is that in metric 177-179 cm?), I have green eyes, thining hair in my 30's, above average IQ, no family history of cancer, heart, or any other disease (but an addiction trait seems prevalent in several generations) You can see my picture at rogues gallery, with a biological niece of mine, you've already seen my infant son.

Yguy has to do his own job of selling himself.

Debbie T

Either way is fine, I answer to either.

I believe others brought up other factors to point to that makes more sense such as poverty, lack of opportunities, education. Investing in our future generations is not a priority in this country, which I believe is a big mistake. You take any child out of poverty and give them a good education and opportunities to better themself and chances are you will have a better adult who is giving back to society, instead of investing in a lifetime of prison and taking away from society (Pay it forward, instead of backward).

I was talking more about the grandparents used to be part of the family not seperate from it.

I am not gay (or I forgot to tell my hubby I was ). Kids learn about not approving of homosexuality from where?

In that case a parent losing their job, could also go under your interpretation of the meaning. I woud say this would mean to me that an abusive father, alcoholic mother, or negligent parents etc would be the meaning I would use dysfunctional as. So I would not think of a death of a parent turning a family into dysfunctional. Unless the surviving parent went into long term depression and neglected the children, or turned to drugs and the family fell into dysfunction because of it. Most families go through rough times some where along the way I would not say at those times it turns a family dysfunctional.

I would not classify a hard working single mom or dad raising their children with love as a dysfunctional family. Yes there are single parent families that are dysfunctional, but there are many more that are not. This is where I took acception to you calling a single parent family dysfunctional and I feel a needless stigma attached to it.

I believe she is well informed now about the possible hardships. But she has stated that she has a good support system, she can support herself and it seems like she is thinking about all angles. It sounds like her family will not be "dysfunctional" Heck she sounds like she has thought things through far more than many married couples have.

It sounded like you was raised by a wonderful mom, your life wasn't perfect but you turned out ok, right? I was raised by my parents (until they divorced when I was in my teens) who were abusive and my family was very dysfunctional. I would choose a loving mom over the dysfunction I was raised with anyday!

Anyway it was a good exchange, it is nice to exchange with someone that is as thoughtful as you appear to be.

Anna Karenina

brighid,


In this case, I am thinking in both possibilities and in the worst scenario I know that I could get hurt and a child could suffer as well. Maybe I am being a little risk-averse.

However, I still think that the father figure is very important for a child's development, although it is not neccesary. We must be realistic and consider that some fathers just cause more damage than benefit.

I will tell him, but I am a little scare of his reaction.

Going through IVF is a big experience. I really admire those women who choose to use this method. I need to learn more from them.

Anna

Anna Karenina

Don't say that. Of course I trust him, but I am also realistic. We have opposite points of view about almost everything. He is a mental monist and I am a reductive materialist. Maybe some people may think that this is not important, however it determines how we think about reality. We have had nice discussions about our points of view so far, that's why we met, but how long can it last?

I do not want to raise a child in a distressful environment.

Anna Karenina

Thanks for the offer. I will keep it in mind.

At this moment, I have mentioned that the identity and intellectual characteristics of the father are very important thing to me. I want to tell my child who his father is and I would like that he could have some sort of contact with him.

Anna

brighid

That is totally appropriate - hope for the best and prepare for the worst! I don't think you are being risk-averse, but probably very excited by all the emotions and possibilities (good and bad) and you are allowing those feelings to surface. There is nothing wrong with that at all. This is how you discover what is really going on inside and then you can discover ways to deal with those emotions. Supressing them rarely is beneficial IMO anyway.

Yes, I agree as well. A father figure (not necessarily the biological father though) is very important. As you said some fathers can cause more damage than benefit, so it is not always important that the biological father be present, but rather the presence of positive role models (male and female) to help a child develop into a happy, healthy adult.

Despite my son's biological father's negative influence, and later his complete absence from his life I made it a point to fill his life with good men: friends, coworkers, extended family, etc. We discussed what being a man is suppose to be, and what it is not ... even as a young child I spoke of these things to him. Children are amazingly perceptive and although they can't always communicate with us on an adult level they understand more then we realize. Despite being one of those horrible feminists I have never allowed male bashing. I won't allow the female character to be impuned because of negative stereotypes and it would be hypocritical to allow it for the male character.

I would say that my son is happier now that I am married, but that is largely in part because I am happier. My husband is not his father, but he is his dad. He is the one who reads to him before bed, attends his school activities, works on his homework with him, tucks him in and wakes him up, ... all the things I do as well, but a dad is not something purely genetic. A dad is made through proper action and love. It is a honor to bestowed upon the worthy, not simply to those who donate (traditionally, or otherwise) their genetic material.

I would say that is quite a natural reaction to this situation. It's a scary proposition. You have invested a lot of thought and emotion into this decision and the possibility that he might not agree is scary. I don't see anything wrong with that. It takes time to develop that almost innate trust with another human being. You have to test the waters and time will build that security that a new relationship just hasn't completely earned. All you can do it be honest. He has the right to say no, or even react poorly ... although I hope he doesn't when you deem the time appropriate to have this discussion.

I have PM'd you the link to the article I previously mentioned. I know many women who have undergone this procedure and a close friend is going to be going through it shortly. If you would like to talk about it further you can always email me at brighid@infidels.org. I will provide you with whatever information I can so you can make informed decisions about your future.

I really hope all goes well with your gentleman friend. I hope your dreams of having a child are achieved. WHEN it does happen I expect to see those chubby, baby pictures

Brighid

yguy

You don't trust him to stick with you for as long as it takes to raise the child properly. If he bugs out when the kid is five, it will be devastating for the child.

You'll always have it in the back of your mind that his commitment is worthless. That can only poison the relationship.

I don't see how you can possibly avoid it if your present state of mind is what the kid will be subjected to.

dangin

No one can be trusted with this. Those joining in marriage at the height of love and committment can walk away from each other only a short time later, and even if the committment remains, death, accidents, sickness, an endless world of potentialities exist. In a time when over half of marriages fail it seems really asinine to say that starting out with a loving marriage is some panacea of lifestyle for child rearing. In fact a child that starts out in a world of two loving parents, and is then thrown into the tumult of divorce and separation is likely to be more traumatized than a child raised in a nontraditional family from the start, who could potentially live their entire life without being neglected of anything.

openeyes

AK, I just want to say that I understand what you're saying about reaching a certain age and not being able to find a man who is interested in you and will enhance your life, especially if you've been taking care of yourself all of your adult life.

I didn't get to that as I did marry in my mid-twenties and had a couple kids within 7 years. But I became a single parent when my husband left me and an only parent when he died some years later from a mental illness. Fortunately I am educated, happened to have chosen a career that's it demand and make a very decent income. My kids are doing as well, if not better than most. I've had more "magic moments" being a parent than as part of a couple. I've only recently started "dating" again as I found it easier to focus on raising my kids alone than "finding" someone, especially since the guys I dated while I was a single parent (before only) were so far from a compatible fit.

I've worked with many capable young woman who have difficulty finding guys to date, especially if the women have any sort of extra weight. I actually recommended to one that she consider a foreign adoption if she wanted a child instead of uprooting her life to pursue an internet romance that seemed to have some major liabilities, in my view. I see nothing wrong with single parenting of a woman in her thirties, either by adoption or her own pregnancy, if she wants a child and it's not likely a suitable mate will be found before the biological clock stops ticking, and she has the resources to adequately raise a child.

I wish you all the best, in whatever you decide to do.

abe smith

Dear Anna K. sorry I haven't time right now to read the SIX pages of posts your OP qy has provoked so far. You've asked for input/opinions, and we've produced a spate of them.
In the long run, I expect you'll go w/ your own gut-response.

At the age of 36 (very long ago now!= half my life away, indeed) I chose, quite deliberately, to do the action wh you are now contemplating. I did not ask anyone's permission nor advice. In a sense, my choice & its sequelae were based on what other people will probably label "fantasies". I did it ON-PURPOSE.; for reasons which were adequate to me then, and wh/are adequate to me now. (Come to think of it, so did Dorothy Day; from whom I differ in many ways.)

Doing that got me AND my ordinary, healthy, normal well-loved kid into messes & complexities noone could have foreseen. He & I endured & survived some rocky & even terrible times together. Not toobad really; not as bad as those experienced by many "normal" parents & children.

SO? how is this different from what ALL human parents, deliberate or not, experience.?
I did it; I've never regretted a moment of it. Knowing NOW what I know now, (= at my age), I couldn't choose to "do it again". I am satisfied; my son has grown up to be a very decent loving ordinary competent and happy guy. We were lucky, of course. LUCKY!

NO-BODY here can presume to advise you what to choose, Anna K. (Except, *I* shdn't call myself "Anna Karenina" if I were you; but "she" was written by a MALE, Tolstoy, who therefore didn't know MUTCH.) I don't think you ought to take ydog, or whaever-his-name-is's abstract & moralistic strictures too seriously; my impression izz, that he is not experienced adequately to give you advice. Heck, woman: NO-ONE is.

Choose what you decide to choose. You've got only one life;
and NO life comes with any reassuring guarantees. Your original question, and your ultimate decision, are NOT abstract nor ever general. They are unique to you; and *ultimately no-one else's business*. Your right to choose, and the choice you make, are no more perilous than any other mother's are, at-last.
Whatever you decide, I wish you good luck, and happiness withal. Abe, parent, father, mother & grandparent. (I am now 77, if that matters.) Perhaps there are others here at the EyeEye site equally-experienced & able to comment.
In parting 1.She that pays the piper calls the tune.
2. In for a penny in for a pound.