Witty

My fiance and I are currently in limbo trying to decide what to do with ourselves over the next few years, and so I thought I'd ask for help here.

The situation:
I am 24 and graduated in December with a BS in Computer Science, and will (hopefully) have full time work in the fall (even if it's just $9/hour). She is 21 and will graduate next spring with a BS in Aerospace Engineering. We are both contemplating graduate school for the fall of 2004, she for her MBA and I for a Masters in Math or Com Sci. With scholarships and a research assistantship, her graduate school would be essentially free. I would probably have to pay for most of mine.

The problems:
I have no cash reserves, and am scraping to make ends meet. Despite having a full ride scholarship, she is still financially dependent on her parents, and I still get help from my own as well. We want to get married next summer, but also have to worry about planning a secular ceremony without her overbearing and overly religious mom getting pissed and cutting her off before we're married and financially independent.

The questions:
What should we do? Should we postpone the wedding until we can more easily afford it? How would marriage change our financial situation? Would getting married make it easier or harder for both of us to go to graduate school? Would it perhaps be wiser for me to let her go to graduate school first while I support us? How do we plan a secular ceremony without her mom disowning her for not having a proper Catholic wedding? Should I buckle down and get several jobs to build up a savings? WHAT SHOULD WE DO!?!?! :banghead:

Any thoughts, questions, or advice would be greatly welcomed. Thanks.

Witty

Jutsuka

Why marry at all? My parents lived together for 20 years and raised me and my sister without ever getting married, and they would have seperated even if they had been married. My point is that commitment is possible without marriage.

As for her mother, tell her to butt out of your lives! If she cannot bring herself to love her daughter even though you do not have a "proper" wedding, there is something seriosly wrong with her.

And if you still feel you need to get married, postpone the wedding until you can afford it and whatever you do do not get yourself into debt over it! There is no point in owing the bank or a credit card company money for a pointless ceremony that lasts a few hours! It is the rest of your lives together that is important.

AspenMama

Are you already living together or would that also be taboo with your situation? How do your parents play into it? It seems her parents would be happier if she were married to you rather than just living with you. If you want to be married, you should tell them and perhaps even elope with a few friends in tow. Then let the parents have a little reception their style later on.

It sounds like a dilemna between wanting your independence, yet not wanting to give up the parents. It seems that one or the both of you will have to work if you want to get married completely your way. I bet you can find a compromise.

Often if you go for an advanced degree, there are teaching postions available at your university of choice.

CheeseheadHeathen

Witty--I noticed you're in Iowa. I'm in Wisconsin, and I married a Catholic too. We had some of the same issues with money and family (although we were both close to 30, so his family was much less buttinsky than your fiancee's). Aside from financial reasons, we wanted a small ceremony because my family's mostly dead, and a big wedding (he has a huge family; I have one relative left) would have been painful for me.

We ended up getting married in Door County, WI. There's a 120 year old chapel up there that just does weddings (kind of like Vegas, but much classier). That way, we still got married in a "church" and they provided a preacher (I think he was Lutheran or something), so we had the God stamp of approval for my husband and his family, but it was much easier to control. The cost was about $600, and included the church, the preacher, the organ player, and the flowers for the church. All we had to buy was something to wear (got the dress for $137 on sale--best bargain ever), and a bouquet and boutennier (sp) ($100 for all of it). The whole thing was well under $1,000.

So, if you feel you need to get married, and you have to do it in a church to satisfy the family, and you need to do it cheap, it's an option. We also stayed up there for our honeymoon, thus saving more money by not having airfare, rental car, etc. (and we had a great time).

As for the rest of your questions--you're going to have to work through how your wife is going to stand up to her parents (and please, make sure she learns this still before you have children, or you will be in for a rough ride.) As to how being married affects your finances--it's bad from a tax perspective, but you can get health insurance together (assuming one of you has a job that offers it), and obviously you live together (which I'm guessing you can't do now because of her mom) and save money that way.

PM me if you want more info on the wedding planning info.

trillian

Just wait. Why not wait until you are financially secure and you both have developed careers? There's no rush to get married at such a young age!
In a list of pros and cons, what exactly do you think the pros are of doing it now vs later? Just think about it.

trillian

Loren Pechtel

I see no reason to marry in your situation. Normally marriage has only negative effects on finances in your sort of situation--it's only positive when one of you makes a lot more than the other and when it comes to things like employer-paid health insurance and estate issues.
I don't see any of the positives applying.

Edited out excessive quoting.

cheetah

I also don't think the finances would work out. It's really dependent on info we don't know about you, but if you get married, any income one makes would count towards the other's financial aid, so you could possibly get less grants, loans and scholarships. If you aren't married, it shouldn't count!

BTW, how is your girlfriend going to get into B School right out of undergrad without other experience and get it all paid for? most B Schools want 3-5 years work experience and I haven't heard about such great financial aid expectations! With the economy so bad, too, the B schools are flooded with applications, as everyone decides to go back to school when jobs are scarce.

AspenMama

Finances aside, I believe there are many good emotional and social reasons to marry someone you love and are compatible with-- I think you need to weigh the importance of those issues against the importance and the practicalities of finances. Which is most important to you? If you truly want to marry, you should be able to find a happy compromise with her family to do so. Hopefully, you will also get some advice from others who married in your situation.

wildernesse

Make a pros and cons list. What would be best is having financial independence and good relationships with both families. Build up savings. Decide what is best for each of you individually--and then see if that is workable married.

I'm in no position to tell you not to get married, seeing as I'm 23/husband is 24--we've been married nearly a year, and this fall will both be in graduate school and not working (planning to exist on husband's stipend). My parents also are planning on helping with my tuition (as needed), and still pay my car insurance. . .hmmm. We are supposed to own my car now. . . maybe I should get with them about that.

Most professional schools (business included) do not offer research assistantships. They may offer scholarships, but rarely a full ride. You are more likely than she is, IMO, to get a teaching position in your graduate program. (I think now of all the ta's that our university needs to teach calculus and intro to comp sci.)

--tibac

Bree

Getting married will change your financial aid situation - especially for your fiance�, who you mentioned was 21 years old. The government has, ah, reevaluated the status of young college-goers (this goes for graduate school too) and decided that the "majority" of kids these days continue to receive at least 50% of their financial support from their parents until the age of 24. That means that when you file the FASFA, if you check the "I'm unmarried and under the age of 24" box, you will automatically be ineligible for certain scholarships. If your family makes above a certain amount of money (in Wisconsin it's $23,000/yr) then you will be eligible for next to nothing, except those high-interest loans. Now, if you're married you're automatically considered "independant" and you get tossed back in the poor people's pool - bam, eligible for more scholarships and grants.

This is huge, especially if you'd like to graduate without tons of student loans.