Freethought & Rationalism Archive

openeyes · 12-24-2002, 05:45 AM

'Tis the season for holiday letters. I send one myself so I'm not against the practice, but I received one yesterday that I found alarming.

This letter was from a first cousin (I have over 40 of those) who's close to my age, but we weren't close growing up. For the past few years, I've been on her Christmas card list.

Her 3 page, single-spaced letter outlined her year with hubby and 7 (count 'em, 7) kids. The word "blessed" is used several times in each paragraph. Oldest daughter (age 11) biggest hobby seems to be to produce "tracts" for the neighborhood and Daddy's "worker guys". The kids are all home-schooled.

Saddest part was mention of her 5 year old, "a special boy", who, if they believed in labeling would probably be diagnosed as "mildly autistic" by the doctors. He's not speaking yet. They've prayed, researched (not sure in which way) and have put together their own program, which they think is working. They are praying for financial resources to be able to partake in a program through the Homeschool Network. They are focusing on how "He (the Lord) is using this to grow and stretch us".

They've traded in the van for a bus. The church they found where they're comfortable (have switched over the years) is a 45 minute drive (they live near Oakland, CA.) My cousin ended the letter to state that "we have completely turned over our family size to Him, desiring to have all the children he has ordained for us."

I hope that wasn't a tip-off that number eight is in the works! (This cousin is in her forties, even if she didn't have 7 including at least one with major disabilities, she's playing with fire).

She seemed fairly normal growing up.

HelenM · 12-24-2002, 05:57 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by openeyes:
Saddest part was mention of her 5 year old, "a special boy", who, if they believed in labeling would probably be diagnosed as "mildly autistic" by the doctors. He's not speaking yet. They've prayed, researched (not sure in which way) and have put together their own program, which they think is working. They are praying for financial resources to be able to partake in a program through the Homeschool Network. They are focusing on how "He (the Lord) is using this to grow and stretch us".

Their son may be no worse off than if he were in a family that let 'the system' decide how best to handle him. He's probably better off than in a family who didn't care.

I don't like labels either and I expect that most parents who are raising a 'special needs' child, and who care, have had to work hard to find out how to best care for that child. I think the key is to consider their individual needs. That can happen just as well in a home-schooling conservative Christian family as in another one, imo.

If they'd said "his problem is demonic!" then I'd be concerned. But evidently they don't think that way and I'm glad.

Helen

Queen of Swords · 12-24-2002, 05:59 AM

Originally posted by openeyes:
My cousin ended the letter to state that "we have completely turned over our family size to Him, desiring to have all the children he has ordained for us."

The eleventh commandment : thou shalt not use birth control.

My mother's a Catholic, but she didn't keep having child after child. I asked her about her views on contraceptives once and she said that God helped those who helped themselves.

Perchance · 12-24-2002, 06:36 AM

I would be concerned about how they thought of their autistic son. If they care about him for him, then great. But if they're focusing, as openeyes said, just on how the Lord is "growing and stretching them" through their child, then that diminishes the boy. I think that considering other people's importance to you primarily in terms of what God might be using them for is highly and deplorably selfish.

It's hard to tell from the letter if that's the case, though.

-Perchance.

openeyes · 12-24-2002, 06:55 AM

I agree that that they may be dealing with child 5's problems responsibly if they have actually "researched" solutions in a fairly broad way. But a kid like that is going to need extra resources, something that a parent would be hard-pressed to give with six other kids (including two born after he was).

HelenM · 12-24-2002, 07:28 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Perchance:
I would be concerned about how they thought of their autistic son. If they care about him for him, then great. But if they're focusing, as openeyes said, just on how the Lord is "growing and stretching them" through their child, then that diminishes the boy. I think that considering other people's importance to you primarily in terms of what God might be using them for is highly and deplorably selfish.

It's hard to tell from the letter if that's the case, though.

-Perchance.

It's a common Christian way of saying, in effect, "this has been difficult". It doesn't necessarily mean they are being selfish or not focusing on their son. On the contrary, it sounds like they are working hard to meet his needs.

It's their way of reconciling what's hard in their life with the existence (according to their beliefs, of course) of a God who loves them and cares about them. It's their answer to "Why would God let us go through this/put us through this?"

Helen

Blake · 12-24-2002, 08:07 AM

openeyes, an excellent book to recommend/give to your cousin is <a href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0316690694/internetinfidelsA/" target="_blank">The Siege</a>, written by a past teacher of mine (Clara Park). It's the story of a couple who had a severely autistic child "back in the day" when autism was barely even named (1958). Since they had no support or literature to draw on, to successfully raise her daughter Clara had to develop original and practical techniques in a home-school situation. That environment may actually be the best situation for your cousin's 5 year old.

The Siege tells the story up to age 8; <a href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0316691178/internetinfidelsA/" target="_blank">Exiting Nirvana</a> brings it up to the present. Check the "look inside this book" feature for the full-sized version of the cover, a piece of their daughter's (fantastic) art.

Oh, and here's a website of her art:

<a href="http://www.jessicapark.com/prints.html" target="_blank">http://www.jessicapark.com/prints.html</a>

[ December 24, 2002: Message edited by: Blake ]

Pitshade · 12-24-2002, 08:36 AM

Off to GRD.

nj_heathens · 12-24-2002, 09:01 AM

openeyes,

I've only been lurking on IIDB for a few months, so I could be driving the wrong way on a one way, but:

Quote:

They are praying for financial resources to be able to partake in a program through the Homeschool Network.

I would interpret this as a (not so) subtle request for money from family members.

and

Quote:

They've traded in the van for a bus.
. . .
"we have completely turned over our family size to Him, desiring to have all the children he has ordained for us."

This seems alarmingly similar to the Andrea and Russell Yates scenario.

QueenofSwords,

My Catholic mother had five miscarriages in between giving birth to four children, the youngest of which was born 3 months premature in 1969 when my mom was 42. Less than a year later, my mom had a stroke. During her rehabilitation for left-sided paralysis, my parents "got religion" about birth control.

In addition, the effects of taking DES has been her legacy to her daughters, especially this one.

Mrs. Heathen

openeyes · 12-24-2002, 09:52 AM

The part I find alarming is their seeming lack of responsibility for their situation. Since I don't believe anyone is "upstairs" directing them, it's up to them to take care of the seven children they've brought into the world. They seem to be hanging in there for now, but I have this sense there's some strife below the surface (other "challenges" mentioned). Nothing on the level of Andrea Yates (let's hope!)

As I mentioned, we're not really close, so there's not much else I plan to do besides rehash with my sister! My approach to problem solving sounds vastly different from theirs, so it's not likely I'd be much help anyway. (Her parents live fairly close to mine; I may try to get their take on the situation if I get a chance sometime).

12-24-2002, 05:45 AM	#1
openeyes Veteran Member Join Date: Sep 2002 Location: Minnesota Posts: 4,215	Scary Holiday Letter from Fundy cousin 'Tis the season for holiday letters. I send one myself so I'm not against the practice, but I received one yesterday that I found alarming. This letter was from a first cousin (I have over 40 of those) who's close to my age, but we weren't close growing up. For the past few years, I've been on her Christmas card list. Her 3 page, single-spaced letter outlined her year with hubby and 7 (count 'em, 7) kids. The word "blessed" is used several times in each paragraph. Oldest daughter (age 11) biggest hobby seems to be to produce "tracts" for the neighborhood and Daddy's "worker guys". The kids are all home-schooled. Saddest part was mention of her 5 year old, "a special boy", who, if they believed in labeling would probably be diagnosed as "mildly autistic" by the doctors. He's not speaking yet. They've prayed, researched (not sure in which way) and have put together their own program, which they think is working. They are praying for financial resources to be able to partake in a program through the Homeschool Network. They are focusing on how "He (the Lord) is using this to grow and stretch us". They've traded in the van for a bus. The church they found where they're comfortable (have switched over the years) is a 45 minute drive (they live near Oakland, CA.) My cousin ended the letter to state that "we have completely turned over our family size to Him, desiring to have all the children he has ordained for us." I hope that wasn't a tip-off that number eight is in the works! (This cousin is in her forties, even if she didn't have 7 including at least one with major disabilities, she's playing with fire). She seemed fairly normal growing up.

12-24-2002, 05:59 AM	#3
Queen of Swords Contributor Join Date: Nov 2000 Location: Canada. Finally. Posts: 10,155	Originally posted by openeyes: <strong>My cousin ended the letter to state that "we have completely turned over our family size to Him, desiring to have all the children he has ordained for us."</strong> The eleventh commandment : thou shalt not use birth control. My mother's a Catholic, but she didn't keep having child after child. I asked her about her views on contraceptives once and she said that God helped those who helped themselves.

12-24-2002, 08:07 AM	#7
Blake Regular Member Join Date: Aug 2001 Location: N/A Posts: 349	openeyes, an excellent book to recommend/give to your cousin is <a href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0316690694/internetinfidelsA/" target="_blank">The Siege</a>, written by a past teacher of mine (Clara Park). It's the story of a couple who had a severely autistic child "back in the day" when autism was barely even named (1958). Since they had no support or literature to draw on, to successfully raise her daughter Clara had to develop original and practical techniques in a home-school situation. That environment may actually be the best situation for your cousin's 5 year old. The Siege tells the story up to age 8; <a href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0316691178/internetinfidelsA/" target="_blank">Exiting Nirvana</a> brings it up to the present. Check the "look inside this book" feature for the full-sized version of the cover, a piece of their daughter's (fantastic) art. Oh, and here's a website of her art: <a href="http://www.jessicapark.com/prints.html" target="_blank">http://www.jessicapark.com/prints.html</a> [ December 24, 2002: Message edited by: Blake ]</p>

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12-24-2002, 06:36 AM	#4
Perchance Veteran Member Join Date: May 2002 Location: Kentucky Posts: 1,059	I would be concerned about how they thought of their autistic son. If they care about him for him, then great. But if they're focusing, as openeyes said, just on how the Lord is "growing and stretching them" through their child, then that diminishes the boy. I think that considering other people's importance to you primarily in terms of what God might be using them for is highly and deplorably selfish. It's hard to tell from the letter if that's the case, though. -Perchance.

12-24-2002, 06:55 AM	#5
openeyes Veteran Member Join Date: Sep 2002 Location: Minnesota Posts: 4,215	I agree that that they may be dealing with child 5's problems responsibly if they have actually "researched" solutions in a fairly broad way. But a kid like that is going to need extra resources, something that a parent would be hard-pressed to give with six other kids (including two born after he was).

12-24-2002, 08:36 AM	#8
Pitshade Veteran Member Join Date: Aug 2000 Location: Sugar Grove,NC Posts: 4,316	Off to GRD.

12-24-2002, 09:52 AM	#10
openeyes Veteran Member Join Date: Sep 2002 Location: Minnesota Posts: 4,215	The part I find alarming is their seeming lack of responsibility for their situation. Since I don't believe anyone is "upstairs" directing them, it's up to them to take care of the seven children they've brought into the world. They seem to be hanging in there for now, but I have this sense there's some strife below the surface (other "challenges" mentioned). Nothing on the level of Andrea Yates (let's hope!) As I mentioned, we're not really close, so there's not much else I plan to do besides rehash with my sister! My approach to problem solving sounds vastly different from theirs, so it's not likely I'd be much help anyway. (Her parents live fairly close to mine; I may try to get their take on the situation if I get a chance sometime).

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